I Will Always Love You
by shayla1462
Summary: This is a sequel to Chasing Cat. See how Sidney Crosby tries to heal and live up to his vow to care for his new daughter Lizzy. Will the Pen's new sport psychologist be able to help him heal and, maybe, even love again?
1. Chapter 1

I take a sip of my beer while I watch Lola and Lizzy play in the pool at the Dupuis' Pittsburgh home. The September sun is hot as summer clings a little bit longer to the air. The girls are giggling and laughing as Kody, the Dupuis' son, does cannonballs into the pool and splashes water everywhere. It's wonderful to see Lizzy laughing and having fun. Not so long ago, she was either sullen or acting out after we both abruptly lost the most important person in our lives. The chasm that was left in our hearts when Cat died may not have been completely filled and healed but Lizzy and I got through the abrupt and stunning loss together. As I've learned to be a dad, a single dad, we've depended on each other and built a bond so close that it's like we've always me father and daughter.

"She looks happy" Carole-Lyn whispers to me and I know that she's talking about Lizzy not Lola.

"Yeah, about two months ago we started to turn the corner" I replied. "Being in Nova Scotia was the definitely the best thing for us. I missed training in LA but there were more important things to do this summer than train."

"Did that really come out of Sidney Crosby's mouth?" Duper says as he sits with us to watch the kids.

I can't help but laugh at him. "Yeah, that was me Dupe. I trained, of course, and Andy was great coming out east to me. They even moved two of the camps out there. I'm ready" I tell him and I don't know if I mean for the season or for the challenge of being a single dad. The summer was like a haven where I could focus completely on Lizzy and work my schedule around her needs. Now that we're back for the season, that isn't going to be possible and it's going to take adjustments from everyone.

"When do your parents get here?" Carole-Lyn asks.

"They arrive tomorrow. I had the contractors, decorators and movers working overtime for us to move into the house. They were able to make the changes so that mom and dad have their own suite and Lizzy has the perfect princess room. We're going to stay there tonight for the first time to be alone for one night before my folks come down" I tell her.

"It was the best solution Sid" Duper tells me.

"Yeah Sid" Carole-Lyn agrees. "It provides Lizzy the stability she needs. She'll have her grandparents in her life year round, in the season and the summer, and you won't have to worry about her as much. Well, you won't worry more than any other parent about their child."

I smile at her and then look back at the kids. Not for the first time I think about how lucky I am my mom and dad decided to move to Pittsburgh during the season to help me with Lizzy. With Taylor at Shattucks full time and nana passed, there was no reason they had to stay in Cole Harbour year round. Carole-Lyn is right about giving Lizzy stability. I didn't want a nanny for her and the psychologist agreed that family will be the best thing for her. For the briefest of moments, I considered quitting hockey to care for Lizzy or, at the least, taking a year off. The moment the thought passed through my head I knew that Cat would kick my ass if she were here. She would tell me that I need to be who I am. I was so lucky that Cat understood my life and never made me choose. In fact, when we broke up it wasn't because I played hockey and had other commitments. I didn't understand how my actions affected Lizzy and now I'm very careful what I promise. Lizzy knows that if I make a promise then I will always live up to it, always.

"Sid" Duper says and I realize I've been lost in my own thoughts and not paying attention.

"Sorry" I say and watch Pascal and Carole-Lyn exchange a worried glance.

I understand it. During the Boston series last season, I was often in my own world and easily distracted. I offered not to play in the series if the team thought that I would hurt them but everyone, to a man, said that they wanted me to do what I needed to do including not playing the series if that's what I decided. The series began only three days after Cat died. I played horribly and the team did too. It gave me some hard, guilty moments days after the series ended until Mario sat me down. He told me that I played like shit but so did the whole team, every single player, and I can't own the loss by myself.

"Guys" I begin. "I'm fine, really. I won't blow smoke and tell you I'm perfect and happy but I am fine."

I look at Lizzy when she yells "daddy! Watch me, watch me" and then she does a cannonball herself into the water after Kody.

"Great job princess" I yell after her. After looking at my watch, I say "we'll need to get going soon. Come out of the water please."

Lizzy pouts for a moment and I begin to worry until I see Lola pout too. I'm still learning what normal three year old behaviour is and what's acting out. Today, it's normal behaviour. Wow, soon I'm going to be saying four year old.

"Come on Lizzy, you need to get dried up" I tell her.

"Lola, Kody, you need to get out too" Duper tells his kids.

Carole-Lyn glances at the baby monitor and hears the other two waking from their nap. Just a year ago at this time I was sitting on a patio with the single guys on the team drinking beer and talking about the summer. I'm still drinking beer but everything else has changed.

"Are you sure that you don't want to stay for dinner?" Duper asks me.

"Thanks but I really want to have our first dinner in the new home just the two of us before my parents come tomorrow" I reply.

"Gamma and Gampa" Lizzy says as she runs up. She can say the 'r' in the words now but they are gamma and gampa to her and may always be.

"Yep, Gramma and Grampa are coming tomorrow."

I dry her off and then we go into the house to get changed. Helping her wash and dress has become second nature to me now. In fact, in the past month Lizzy has become much more independent and wants to dress and undress herself. It takes forever and tests my patience constantly but it's an important developmental step; or so the books say. I think that I've now read every book on child raising that has ever been written.

Once dressed, we say goodbye and head to our new home.

"Are you excited to see your new bedroom princess?"

"Yeppers" she says, her favourite word.

I glance in the rear view mirror to where Lizzy is sitting in her car seat. She seems happy to be going to the new house, our new home, rather than sad to leave the apartment. Maybe I'm being overly cautious about her emotions, fuck I probably am, and maybe I always will be.

I use the code at the gate and look at the mess in the front yard. I focused first on inside the house for finishing and then the back yard so that Lizzy has somewhere to play. The front yard is the last thing that they'll finish and it wasn't crucial to us moving in. Lizzy and I have been here every day for the week we've been back in Pittsburgh. I was checking on the progress and wanted it to start feeling familiar to her. It must be working because once she's free of the car seat, Lizzy scrambles up to the front door and waits for me.

"Do you want to see your new bedroom?" I ask her.

"Yeppers" she replies.

I make her wait and don't open the front door right away.

"Daddy, daddy, daddy. See room."

I still don't open the door.

She puts her hands on her hips, tilts her head and says "daaaaddddy."

In that one moment, she looks so much like Cat that it takes my breath away. It happens like that, periodically, and always takes me by surprise. I see Cat in our little girl in a movement, her smile or something she says. I always feel a tug of pain on my heart.

"Daddy!" she yells and pulls my hand so I unlock the door.

Lizzy starts to run through the front hall until I yell "shoes!" Lizzy comes back and takes her shoes off like it is the hardest thing that she's ever done in her entire life. It's quite comical.

When she's done, she runs down the hall and up the stairs. I follow her noticing that the decorators and movers have finished up the last things that I asked them to do.

"Wait for me before you go in" I tell her. I really want to see her face when she sees the room so I rush up the stairs because I don't think that she'll wait. She doesn't but I get there just as she's opening the door.

She stops at the entrance to the door, her mouth drops open and she stares at the room. This is what I was hoping for when I created this room with the decorators. I wanted a princess room for my princess. The bed has a contraption around it that is shaped like Cinderella's carriage. The room is all pink, white and baby blue. There is a mural of her favourite princess on one wall and a chandelier sparkling from the ceiling. In one corner is a dress up centre, who knew there was such a thing, with princess gowns on dress forms in her size. Beside that are a bookshelf and a plush carpet for her to lay and read them. There's also a plush comfy chair where we can read books together. Reading Lizzy a story before bed is the best time of the day for me.

After she's looked over the whole room, she runs to the bed and throws herself onto the pillows which pretty much swallow up my pint sized girl. When she rolls over and looks at me, there is a huge grin on her face.

"Do you like your room princess?"

Without answering me, she jumps off the bed and runs to the dress up area to examine all of the dresses, purses, shoes and whatever else the decorator purchased when she basically bought out the Disney catalogue. I guess her fun is my answer.

* * *

I'm nervous. There's no other way to describe it. Ok, I'm very nervous. This is the job that I've wanted since I basically tore every ligament in my knee that ended my hockey career. I'm also the only woman part of the team that isn't in communications. Being a sports psychologist, or a Mental Training Consultant as I'm officially being called, became the dream when I couldn't continue to play. I studied like I play; with a single minded purpose of achieving my goal and, in three years, I earned my post graduate degree. Usually someone with my lack of practical work experience wouldn't be hired by a professional sports team; but, given my athletic career at the highest level a woman can achieve, the Olympics, I have the experience to accompany my education.

So here I am at the Consol Energy Centre and working for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Mario Lemieux himself sought me out and interviewed me for the job. He wants to go a completely different way this year to support his players' mental health given the collapses of the last two years in the playoffs. I guess I'm about as different as you can get. Sure, most of the people in my position are women but none of them are actual past players which he hopes gives them an advantage. The last season was hardly usual as it was a half season due to the lock out. Marc-Andre Fleury had another complete melt down in the playoffs. Then in the last series with Boston they were swept. Of course the tragedy that happened to their captain left the team, the whole organization, reeling. No problem; I'll have them all sorted out in a couple of days.

If I wasn't surprised to be sought out by Mario then what he told me about the job would have; I'm traveling with the team. We're called 'consultants' purposefully because teams usually bring us in for specific reasons. We help plan for the year, consult with coaches if the team is having a slump or a specific player if they need assistance. That is not what Mario wants. I'm going to be a key member of the training staff. Mike Kadar works on their physical conditioning and I work on their mental conditioning is what Ray Shero told me. The incredible talent that was on the team at the end of year and still they didn't go to the Cup pointed to the executive that something else is needed and they've decided that I'm one of those 'something elses.'

I sit up in the stands and watch the first practice of training camp. It brings back a lot of memories. I remember my first camp for the University of Calgary. That's the only university I would even consider because it's where Hayley Wickenheiser played. She was and still is a hero of mine. Playing with her for National and World Cups and then in the 2010 Vancouver Olympics was incredible. Winning the gold medal in Vancouver will remain the best accomplishment of my career. My first Olympic camp was the worse. I puked until there was nothing left in my stomach before I took the ice. When Wicks actually said hello to me by name I thought that I would faint. She was the best female hockey player in the world and I was barely a rookie. I bet some of the AHL guys feel the same about Sid.

I'm brought back to the present when Mike Kadar, the Strength and Conditioning Coach, sits beside me.

"So Mackenzie, what do you think of the guys?" he asks me.

"I haven't actually met them yet Mike" I reply. "In my world, we need to actually talk to people to make an assessment" I tease him.

"Fair enough Mackenzie, fair enough."

"Call me Mac" I tell him.

"Ok Mac" he replies.

We both settle in and watch everyone set up for the next drill. The coaches have them doing line rushes.

"How did the guys do in their conditioning tests?" I ask him.

"A few pleasant surprises with some unexpected guys coming into camp in high conditioning. A few are going to have a rude awakening in the next few days on the ice."

"Yeah, I remember watching some of the new girls who were invited to national camps to see how they might do for a future team. The level of conditioning required was definitely a rude awakening."

"It's mostly the young guys. What are your plans for assessment?"

This is the question that makes me most uncomfortable because we're doing things differently than it's ever been done before and the guys aren't going to like it. Having played himself, I know that Mike probably won't be a fan of the assessment process either.

"Well" I begin. "I'm going to meet one on one with everyone initially. Essentially I just want to have a conversation to begin getting to know each other. Between being a woman and a psychologist, it's going to be very odd having me around all the time I'm sure."

"I like that idea" Mike says. I guess he notices that I'm surprised. "Mac, we've got something weird going on here to have this much talent and not be nearly at our potential. Sometimes it's leadership or chemistry or work ethic but that's not the case here. We have all of those things. Anyone who isn't willing to try anything and everything to win shouldn't and wouldn't be playing here. Let's try this."

"That's exactly it" I tell him. We go back to watching the players.

"What about Sid?" he asks.

I'm ready for this question having anticipated that someone at some point would ask me. "Mike, here's how your job differs from mine. I can't and won't talk about my assessment or work with any of the players. Often I'll meet with guys where and when no one will know about it. That's the only way it works."

"Yeah, I get it. Wish I had that a few times when I played."

We hear the whistles and watch everyone gather around Dan. He has a quiet, serious nature that draws all of the players' attention to him naturally. I notice Sidney Crosby kneeling in front of the coach with a few others. During camp they all wear warm up jerseys with their names and numbers on them because there are so many guys out there. He is a puzzle. There's the incredible strength he has to get through a tragedy that would make most people curl up in the fetal position for months and he went back to play two days later. He's been seeing a doctor with his daughter to help them heal and that's not my role here. I'm not a grief counselor anyway. I'm here to help the guys with the five c's: control, composure, concentration, commitment, confidence and consistency. We've made this part of the mantra this year for the team. It's beyond my capabilities, and job, to help Sid with his grief or his daughter although I've made sure that I have a few referrals to experts if he needs them. My job is to help him focus on his game.

Watching him stand and get in position for a half ice scrimmage reminds me of how much talent he has. He easily helps one of the young prospects with the last play just discussed. He's a natural leader on the ice and in the locker room. Like most leaders, he is vocal about the game through giving advice and direction. Off the ice, he's more introspective and less vocal. They almost have less confidence off the ice than they do on it which makes sense. With captains, it's often helping them manage different personas and what's required of them. Of course then there's Malkin, Neal, Letang, Sutter, Dupuis, Kunitz, the list of talent goes on and on; each very different and with very different coping methods for the mental side of the game. I can't do anything more until I meet with them so I sit back and simply admire elite athletes watching Sid deke a young goalie and flip the puck into the back of net.


	2. Chapter 2

"Thank you for meeting with me Mackenzie. The collective bargaining agreement can be tricky to navigate if you're not used to working within one."

I'm meeting with Travis Williams who, among other roles, is the Chief Counsel for the Penguins.

"I'll be honest Travis. I tried to read it and couldn't get past the first few pages. Of course it's a little bit daunting given that it's over a hundred pages long" I tell him.

"That's why I thought we could meet and make it easier on you."

"I was trying to read it because I didn't really understand why we had to meet and discuss the CBA specifically and in detail. As a member of the operations team, I thought that there would be some things that I'd have to be aware of but not that we would have to talk for two hours" I reply.

He chuckles and replies "we'll go over the details but let's start with whom you can and can't talk and what topics can be discussed."

This surprises me. I didn't know that there would be conditions on the work I would do. It looks like this is going to be even more complicated than I anticipated.

Travis goes on to tell me that the CBA is very specific about what the medical doctors, trainers and mental training consultants can do. Apparently, if a player already has someone like me working with him then I'm only allowed to talk to that player about the team as a whole and they can't be a 'patient' of mine. I can answer questions and give advice to them but only if asked specifically by the player. Players need to waive this CBA clause in writing should they want counseling from me. This means that I'm severely hindered by what I can do with the players if they already have a mental training consultant. Great.

"Travis, I have one on ones set up with each player on the regular roster over the next week. Does this mean that I can't meet with all of them?"

"No, from what I understand, it's a meet and greet, right? That is allowed in the CBA and you can also ask them about the team as a whole. Beyond that, you'll need to abide by the CBA guidelines."

Travis goes on to describe the other nuances and details that I need to be aware of and follow. He has someone on his team preparing a brief for me to summarize the key components of the CBA that apply to me. Great.

"Can you tell me who is out of bounds based on the CBA?" I ask.

"Marc-Andre started with a new consultant this summer but has indicated that he wants to explore a relationship with you as well. Marc is very open to the support and wants to see how you will fit together. Kris Letang, Tomas Vokoun and Sidney Crosby all have their own as well."

Hearing that Crosby has a consultant doesn't surprise me. He probably has a full team of people who are on the payroll and ready to help him any time he needs it. The money isn't a probably plus he needs people that he can completely trust and that will only happen over time.

"So that I'm clear Travis, I can talk to Marc, Kris, Tomas and Sid about the team and their opinion of the team but not about how they personally do things, right?"

"Exactly right. We'll get you that list to help you too."

We talk further about the team and some of the things in the CBA that pertain to 'support staff' of which I'm now included. The whole thing does take the full two hours and I have to rush down to the locker room to be on time for the team meeting that ends the first day of camp.

I step beside Mike Kadar at the entrance to the room and listen as Dan begins to debrief the day. It's interesting to watch the players as the coach talks. Some pay attention but you know their mind is somewhere else. They know they'll be on the roster regardless of camp results but at least show Dan the respect of faking their interest. The rest hang on every word that he speaks. The very novices are in awe of Dan and the whole situation. They're sitting on the floor and following Dan's every move as he walks around during his talk. Those who are hoping for a spot on the roster are paying close attention too as they try to find anything that can give them an edge.

I have noticed some of the guys glancing my way and a couple nudge the guy next to them. A woman in the locker room is odd during team meetings. Women are always around, the press and communications staff, but not during the team meetings; but, I'm officially part of the team so here I am.

Chris Harner is introduced and he talks about changes on the medical side. The entire medical team was recently replaced by this group by UPMC. The guys have already had their physicals but Chris talks about a few changes in process and then introduce his team and their expertise. They aren't here right now but the players already met them during the medicals. I expect him to introduce me as planned but he turns the room back to Dan so I stay where I am. Dan tells the guys that Mario wants to say a few words and there are some murmurs from the players. Maybe this is unusual but I wouldn't know.

"We've had play-off disappointments the last few years and something needs to change. Every single person on this team owns a piece of that poor play; players, ops, coaches, everyone. We have talent in this room, a lot of talent, skill and ability, so something else is going on. We need to fix it fast. We will not experience another play-off like we've had. Changes have been made to secure the ending we want for our season. Some of the personnel have changed specifically our medical team and we've added Coach Jacques Martin. In Coach Martin, we have added the experience of 1294 games, 613 wins and 12 playoff appearances in 17 seasons. He ranks 10th all-time in wins and 7th all-time in games coached in NHL history." Mario pauses here as some of the guys applaud. Everyone knows the experience and success Coach Martin brings. They also know that he is a defensive genius who has been brought in to help the forwards, like Sid and Geno, be better defensively while still playing their style of hockey.

Mario continues "we are very lucky to have Coach Martin on our team. There is another addition to the Pens team that I want to mention and that is Mackenzie St. Pierre. Her job is as mental training consultant but her role is very different from her peers. Mackenzie is going to work closely with the coaching staff and the players. We will be the strongest, hardest working team in the league both physically and mentally." Mario nods to me so I nod back. He knows that I'm not speaking at this time but wanted to recognize that I'm here. As if the guys would miss the only woman in the room. "And" he continues "she will be traveling with the team."

That has some murmuring start although it ends quickly when Mario looks back at the guys. He says a few words of encouragement and talks about the tradition of the Penguins and how to live up to that tradition. Dan finishes it off by giving directions for the next day's schedule and then ends the meeting.

I'm really surprised when a couple of the guys come over to introduce themselves to me. Rob Scuderi is the first. He was with the Pens, went to LA where he won another Cup and is now back with the Pens. Marc-Andre and Tomas stop by as well. I'm kind of glad that the goalies have their own psychologists because they are an odd bread of hockey player. I've never met a goalie that didn't have at least ten quirks. I'm immediately laughing at Marc who has a very dry sense of humour. He's hilarious.

When we're done talking, I leave the locker room and try to remember which way to go for the medical area. They've set up my office there but I'm completely turned around. There are too many doors going into and out of the players' lounge.

"Are you looking for your office?"

I don't need to turn around to know that it's Sidney Crosby behind me; I instantly recognize the voice.

Chuckling, I say as I turn around "yeah. I'm completely lost."

Sid offers his hand and says "I'm Sidney."

I shake it and reply "I'm Mackenzie. You can call me Mac."

"Good to meet you Mac. Welcome to the Pens."

"Thanks." He obviously doesn't remember that we met at the Vancouver Olympics. I haven't forgotten. How could you forget that body or those luscious lips? It was all the girls talked about when we weren't discussing hockey.

"It must be nice to have a full season this year" I say. "Last season had to be weird with it being only half the usual time after the lockout."

"Yeah, it's going to be nice to play a full season this year."

We simply stare at each other for a few moments. We've been making idle chit chat but there's an odd connection. It's not sexual, although it definitely could be; I mean just look at him. It's not weird or uncomfortable. It's just odd. There's a feeling like I know him, really know him, in a way that I really don't. I feel like, even though I'm a stranger, Sid has lowered his defenses and reserve that I've noticed he uses to keep people just slightly away from him. He breaks the moment first.

"See that sign" he points to a street sign that says 'Mario Lemieux Way.' "The medical area is down there. I assume that's where they've set you up."

"Yeah" I reply with a giggle. God, why now do I have to be such a girl!? "Thanks Sid" then I move in the direction that he pointed to find my office. Please tell me that I didn't just behave like some high school girl. Ug.

* * *

I watch Mac walk away and can't get over the feeling that we've met or that I know her. She doesn't look or even sound familiar and yet there's a familiar feeling when I look at her. It's really strange.

"What do you think of the new shrink?" Duper asks beside me.

"I really don't know. We only said a few words to each other." I look at my watch. "I have to get going to be at home for dinner on time."

We part and I go to the change room. The thing I hate the most about camp, actually the only thing I really hate, is how full the change rooms become. Even though we use both ours and the visitors spaces there is still very full rooms all the time. Thankfully, most of the guys are working out or talking and haven't come in yet so it doesn't take me long to shower and change.

It does take a little longer to get out of the rink. As captain, I feel an obligation to make sure I talk to everyone at least once or twice. Usually I don't mind that part of the job but today I have my little girl waiting for me and need to get home. Actually, to my surprise, I want to get home. I focus on hockey when I'm here but Lizzy is never far from my mind. I'm hoping that we can get into a routine soon. The child psychologist said that routines are important to children. They're important to hockey players too so I know how to establish a routine; it's just finding the right one for us. When I talked to mom and dad about it, we decided that we'd focus on how to meet Lizzy's needs knowing my schedule and then figure everything out from there. I hope that I can be half as good as my parents have been.

The second best part of my day is about to happen now. I open the door to the house and hear "daddy!" The smile that spreads over my face is wide and immediate while I catch Lizzy in mid jump. I nuzzle and kiss at her neck smelling crayons and apple juice that usually follows her.

"Daddy, daddy, daddy!"

"Hi princess. Did you miss me?" I ask my usual question when I see her after training or practice.

"Nope" is her usual answer which causes me to tickle her until she wiggles down.

I follow Lizzy as she runs to the back of the house where my mom is making dinner. I kiss mom's cheek and then help set the table with Lizzy. This too is our routine. Cat always had Lizzy set the table and I want to continue teaching Lizzy how to do chores that are appropriate for her age. She needs to learn that even though we have all of this money, she has responsibilities as part of the family. This is one of the other reasons that I want my parents here instead of a nanny. I want to raise Lizzy the way that I was raised.

We sit down to dinner and Lizzy tells me all about her day. She is very excited that she went to the park with her gampa. It's wonderful to watch my dad with Lizzy. I never got to appreciate how good he was with Taylor. First I was too young and then I was gone. Lizzy loves being with her gampa and especially going to the park with him. When dinner is over, we all help clean up with Lizzy standing next to dad at the dishwasher putting the cutlery in the spots inside.

After dinner, I take Lizzy up to her bedroom to spend some time with her and give mom and dad a break. They decide to go out to a movie while Lizzy and I play Hungry Hippos. I keep hoping and praying that she'll outgrow the game but no such luck. As we get closer to her bedtime, we finish the game and head to the bathroom. I fill up the tub with bubbles and get out her bath toys while Lizzy takes her clothes off and drops them on the floor.

"Lizzy" I say and point to the clothes.

My little girl actually rolls her eyes at me, gives a huff and then picks up clothes to put them on the counter. Spending so much time with Lola has meant that she's also spending time with the Dupuis' eldest daughter thirteen year old Maeva. It seems that my daughter is picking up on the pre-teen's less acceptable behaviour. Maybe if I don't acknowledge it then she'll stop. Sometimes that works, right?

"Ok princess, time for the tub" I help her into the tub.

"Letters daddy?"

I realize that I forgot the tub letters that change colours and stick to the tile. I hand them to Lizzy and she immediately looks for the letters to spell her name.

"L-I-Z-Z-Y" she spells out as she puts the letters on the wall. Then she moves onto "D-A-D-D-Y." She's getting better at spelling her name and 'daddy' because she used to forget the second z and the second d. I start to chuckle but stop when I see what she's spelling next. "M-O-M-M-Y" she turns and smiles at me when she's finished then claps her hands.

"I spelled mommy" she says.

It takes a lot for me to smile back but I do and say "yes you did princess. You spelled mommy."

She turns her attention to another toy and I pause at the pain tightening in my chest. I notice that it has lessened over the months since Cat died although it's not altogether gone. Maybe it will never be gone completely. I don't know that I'd want it to be gone completely because then it would be like she was never here or we never had that love. I draw my attention back to Lizzy and chuckle while she talks to the bath time Barbie. I don't want the bath to cool too much so I start helping her bathe. It's taken a while but I've finally figured out how to bathe and rinse her off quickly. It took a little longer for how to wash and rinse her hair without the water and bubbles going into her eyes.

When we're out of the bath, I wrap her in the towel and dry her off while she giggles. Lizzy runs to her bedroom, naked of course, to put on her pajamas. I look down and realize that I may have figured out the bathing but not how to keep dry. My tee shirt is soaked, as usual, but at least I kept my pants dry this time. After finishing the cleanup, I meet Lizzy in her bedroom and she's already sitting in our chair with her two books. Every night we read one book while she sits on my lap on the chair and then the second one in bed. The books said that you need to help kids wind-down in order for them to fall asleep easily.

I lift Lizzy up and sit down on the chair with her. The way she cuddles into my arms always makes my heart swell with love.

"Read this one first daddy" she hands me a book.

It's Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. Every few weeks, Lizzy wants to read this book about a mom and her son through the cycle of their lives together. I don't know that Lizzy really understands what it means but she loves when I read it to her. She especially loves it when I sing what the mom sings to her son. "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." Only for my daughter would I sing.

When the book is done, Lizzy turns to look up at me and takes my cheeks in her hands, as she likes to do, so that I pay attention to only her.

"I love you forever daddy."

That almost undoes me; but, in the way of three year olds, her mood shifts quickly and she pulls out 'Duck Rabbit' and says "now this one."

This is one of the things I love most about being a dad; the unpredictability of her moods. We go from the sentimental and sad story to the funniest kid's book I've ever read. I tuck her into bed, lie beside her and read the 'Duck Rabbit.' She chuckles sleepily until, before I'm finished, I know that she's asleep. I finish the story simply for me and then close it. Lizzy is sleeping sweetly and looks beautiful. I know that I should go but I stay a little while watching her sleep. Yeah, this is the absolutely best part of my day.


	3. Chapter 3

I feel the sweet, wet kisses trail up my stomach and over my chest. Her soft hands run lightly up my sides, over my arms and then to my neck while her body slides up mine. I can feel every place where her naked body is touching mine. When I look up to her face, there's a wide and beautiful smile there.

"Hi" Cat says to me.

"Hi yourself" I reply.

She leans down and takes my lips, quickly parting them so that her tongue can sweep over mine.

"Mmmm, I miss this Sid. I miss how you taste, how you feel and how your body feels against mine."

I pull her hair back so that I can see her face again and give her a few soft kisses.

"I've missed this too babe. I've missed you."

"You know that I never wanted to leave you Sidney. If I had a choice, I would never have left you and our beautiful life together."

I take her lips again and reverse our positions so that she is beneath me.

"I missed the feeling of your body covering mine" she says between kisses. "I miss feeling the love in every touch from your hands, lips, everywhere."

The kiss quickly becomes heated so that neither of us can speak. Cat's fingers slide down my back, over my ass and then back up. She pushes me so that we are reversed and she is on top of me again. Cat runs her fingers lightly over the planes of my face and smiles.

"You are such a good dad Sidney."

"I'm trying babe but I really can't do this without you."

She smiles wider "yes you can. In fact, you are. Look how happy Lizzy is here in your new home."

"It was supposed to be our home and now I'm here without you."

"I know and it's not what I wanted either but you are being a great daddy to our little girl."

"It was supposed to be both of us Cat. I can't do this alone."

"You aren't alone. Your parents are here to help you but you don't even need that, really, you can do this Sid."

"I can't do this without you" I repeat.

"You don't want to do this without me, there's a difference" she says as she climbs from me and the bed.

She puts on her robe and walks to the bedroom door.

"You can do this Sidney. I know that you can, I have faith in you."

I sit up to go after her but I'm alone in the room. It isn't the first time that I've dreamt of her and I'm sure it won't be the last. I'm left with a heaviness in my heart and a hard-on that won't let me go back to sleep. I don't know how to solve for the first but I take myself in hand to alleviate the second. When I'm done, I clean up in the bathroom and quietly walk down the hall. I see Lizzy sleeping in her bed when I peek in the door. As usual, the covers have been kicked off, she's lying on her stomach and her mouth is wide open.

I chuckle as I move into the room and pull the covers up over her. She's very small in the large bed. She's tiny, like her mom is, like her mom was. The pain is there again around my heart but I'm still convinced that it has lessened over time. I push those thoughts out of my head for not the first time. How I'm feeling doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter, because it's this little girl who matters. My life is about caring for her and making her happy. I would give up anything for her, anything to make her happy. My pain and my needs don't matter. It hasn't even been a year since Cat's been gone so Lizzy can't be over it. She's been happy and resilient but I need to keep an eye on her when I start traveling. The psychologist said that she may start acting out again when I'm gone for a view days. We'll need to prepare for that and see if we can do something to prevent it. The books say to get her involved in my preparing to leave by having her help me fold clothes and pack. She can also help me bring things to the door. I bought an iPhone so that we can FaceTime anywhere and at every time. We're doing everything that the psychologist suggested.

Walking back to my room, my mind wanders to the new team shrink. She didn't look like any of the 'consultants' we've had in the past or that I've seen with other teams. Most of them are very professional or look like doctors. Mac seems athletic and not at all like a shrink. I noticed her sitting up in the stands with Kadar during practice. It's really weird to have a shrink watching us practice and she's even going to travel with us too. It's definitely weird. Oh well, hopefully she can help, at best, and simply not bug us at worse.

* * *

"Yes dad, I'm at training camp with the guys." I've talked to my father every day since I found out that I got the job here. He idolizes Mario.

"How do the guys look?" he asks like he knows them personally.

"They look good dad but it's only the second day on the ice."

"Yeah but you can tell. I remember when I was at camp for the Habs" and that launches him into the story I've heard so often that I can tell it word for word.

Dad was drafted by Montreal and played one preseason game before he was in a freak car accident that shattered many of the bones in his leg. He's never completely recovered from having his career ended so suddenly and cruelly. Of course we never talk about it, the accident, but focus on the 'war stories' instead. Knowing him well, I wait for him to wind down.

"That's what the guys are going through Mac but you can always tell from the beginning who's going to make the team. The rest is evaluating guys to see who you may be able to call up if you need to throughout the season."

I know my role when he talks like this; yes dad, ah-ha, yep. That's what I'm expected to say. Now I'm waiting for the question he always asks since I got this job.

"When do you think I should come down and visit?" he asks me.

Silently I sigh. "Dad, let's start the season and then we'll figure out when you can come down." I know that's going to disappoint him so I continue "let's make it when we have a couple game home-stand, ok? That way you can come down and see a few games."

This appeases him. "Good idea Mac. Ok, talk to you later."

He hangs up before I can respond. I replace the receiver and put my head down on the desk barely resisting banging it over and over.

"Is it a good thing when the team shrink is found frustrated and banging her head against her desk?"

I look up and reply "thanks Kadar. I appreciate the kind words on my second day."

Mike laughs and sits on the sofa.

"How come you get comfy furniture? I have a corner in a room crowded with the other assistants."

"Just lucky I guess" I reply. "It helps when I meet with anyone if we aren't across from a desk to talk."

"That makes sense I guess. You need to be sure to lock the door or else you may find Heinzey asleep on it one morning."

It takes me a moment but then I remember that Dana Heinze is the equipment manager and they have very long days.

"Mike, I forgot to ask you the other day about staff use of equipment like the weight room."

"As long as it's not when the players are in then we can use it. First thing in the morning is usually the best time since hockey players love to sleep in. We don't see the guys drag their asses in here until after 9am and then it's only the guys with kids who have woken them up early. Did you bring your gear with you?"

I don't have to ask what he means. Mike knows that I played. "I wasn't sure if I should so I did just in case. Are there opportunities for us to skate too?"

"Definitely but we also have a scrimmage on game day. Before the game, we have a staff and coaches game where everyone is invited. Most of us are out of shape ex-players and wannabe players."

"I assume I'll be the first woman" I say rather than ask since I know the answer.

"Yeah but not because women aren't allowed to play; we just haven't had any who wanted to play."

"Then I look forward to it."

We both look up when Dana Heinze comes to my door.

"I have a few things for you Mac" Dana says and I notice the clothes in his hands. "Since you're part of the team, more like a coach than a doctor, I thought that you might want some gear. We have warm-up gear, work-out gear and a variety of tee-shirts."

I look from Dana to Mike. I know that I have an athletic build but men's clothes aren't really going to fit me. Maybe the tee shirt and jacket will be ok.

"They're women's sizes. I got yours from Hockey Canada" he tells me realizing what I was thinking.

"Dana, that is so wonderful of you. Thank you so much" I tell him and take the clothes.

"Let me know how they fit. I have more for you but thought we could see how they fit before I bring them all down" he says before he nods and leaves.

"This was very kind of him" I tell Mike.

"Mario has been talking about you as part of the coaching staff even if he can't actually call you a coach. This way the guys should treat you like one rather than a shrink."

"It's still very kind of Dana."

"So, get into your new clothes."

He leaves the office and I lock the door behind him. I don't know if there's a place for a woman to change so I might as well stay in my office. It's one of the nicer places I've ever had for changing clothes. As a kid, we sometimes changed right on the bench.

The pants fit perfectly and they're long enough which doesn't happen often. The tee-shirt says 'Property of' with the Penguins' logo. Before I can pull it over my head, the door opens and Sidney Crosby walks through it. I don't know who is more shocked or embarrassed. I'm simply staring at him in my pants and bra while holding the tee shirt. Sid's mouth is open and he looks equally shocked. Finally, Sid snaps back to consciousness and says "oh God, sorry" and then heads back the way he came in while shutting the door.

It takes me a moment to be conscious of what really just happened. When I do, I pull the tee shirt over my head and put away my other clothes. After taking one last moment to steady myself, I go to the door and open it. Sid turns when he hears me.

"I'm so sorry Mac" he begins.

"Seriously Sid, it's not your fault. I would have sworn that the door was locked."

"I knocked but should have done it louder. I'm really, really sorry."

At this moment, it's hard to see which one of us is more embarrassed.

"Sid, why don't we forget that it happened and move on?"

He gives me a lopsided grin and replies "ok."

We both go back into my office and I shut the door behind us. Sid is my first player appointment. It's going to be really awkward. Regardless of the CBA, there is much more to be cautious and tread lightly around. I need to talk about the team, the playoffs last year and avoid any discussion about Sid's loss.

Sid sits on a chair and I choose the sofa.

"They found some gear for you" Sid says pointing to my tee shirt.

"Yeah, Dana came by with them. I had no idea that he was going to do that but it's much appreciated."

"Heinzey is great like that, taking care of us, and you're part of the team."

Alright, there goes the small talk. Here I go.

"I know that you have your own personal support team. I want to really focus on this team with you rather than you personally. Is that ok?" He shrugs and nods so I continue. "You know that there has been a lot of conversation about why a team with this much talent isn't doing better." Again he nods. "Well I don't want to talk about the hockey or playing. My goal for the preseason is to get to know the players and the personality of this team. I'm not talking about the slogans and words I see posted around the locker room. Each team has a personality. Some of it comes from the coach for sure but it is driven by the players themselves. How would you describe this team without talking about the hockey?"

I watch as he considers my question. After a moment, he bites his bottom lip and I'm momentarily distracted. I give myself a mental shake in time for Sid's answer.

"How do you mean? Like dedicated, hardworking?" he asks.

"Sure, let's start there" I reply. That's not exactly what I'm looking for but it will take some time for him to warm up and open up.

"I've never played with a group of guys who are harder working or want to win more than the players here." He begins so I nod to urge him on. "The work ethic is there, the talent is there and the will is there."

I let him go on a little more and I can see him slowly relax in front of me. These first meetings are for the guys to feel comfortable. Whether he realizes it or not, he's slowly slipping out of his practiced and patented answers that he gives the press. He's not treading too far from it but he is slowly stepping away. It's interesting to watch. I'm disconcerted that, periodically, I find myself watching his tongue dart out to moisten his lips. Why am I so distracted by those lips? As I watch him licking them again, I know that my answer is in that lick; wow.

"Mac?" Sid says. Shit, I wasn't listening while I was staring at that tongue and those lips.

"Sorry Sid" I reply and try to gain some kind of composure. "My mind actually wandered a bit as I was thinking back over the playoffs last year and the year before." I pause here and try to decide how much to push given that he's become more comfortable. I'm convinced that the answer lies within the team and the players themselves. Sure, Ray and operations will ensure that the talent is here and make any tweaks required; but, the players have the answers and it's my job to help them find out. "Last year, the Pens became the first team in history to win every game in the month of March. Then you were swept by the Bruins. How does that happen?"

It is an immediate reaction. I watch Sid close up like he's pulling down the blinds to prevent anything from getting in. This reaction was anticipated and I'm ready for it.

"Sid, you're the leader of this team and you don't want to speak negatively about anyone. That's both admirable and exactly what I would expect from the team's captain. You don't need to answer my question today but I'd like you to think about what happened back then before we chat again. It's been going through your mind ever since, I'm sure, but I'd like you to put a different spin on it when you think about it again. Put aside how talented and hard working the players are because they definitely are talented and hard working. Think about it like chemistry. You can't put your finger on it right away and it takes time to truly sift through everything else until you get to the centre of it. When you're at the centre, then everything will be clearer and you'll be left with that one nugget that will make all the difference. Think about it like a tootsie pop. It takes time and patience to lick your way to the centre; but, when you get there, you will be rewarded by finding the nugget in the middle. We just need to take our time licking and then we'll find the solution."

I watch his face carefully. He became defensive, then thoughtful and now he chuckles.

"What?" I say.

"I've heard a lot of shrinks talk about the mental side of the game but no one has ever created a metaphor that includes licking."

Oh my God. He's right. It has to be my preoccupation with watching him lick his lips when he talks. I created a metaphor based on his lips.

"Yeah, well, it's not something they exactly teach in school" I tell him.

He continues to smile and says "I like the creativity." He becomes thoughtful again. "Mac, I think I get what you mean. It's going to take time for us to figure it out and I get it. The problem is that we don't have a lot of time because, while it's the beginning of the season, the playoffs will be here before we know it."

"Yeah, it does sneak up on you. We'll do all of the short term things that we usually do. After watching film, I think we can focus on composure and get some quick wins. Discipline is one of the keys to success and this team needs more of it. Stupid penalties, retaliation and fights derailed the team two years ago. You do remember the Philly series two years ago, right? The same thing happened in the Boston series last year. You guys know it, this isn't news, and we'll work on some techniques to help out."

"And while we do that?"

"While we do that, we'll also keep talking about how we can help this team help themselves. I really believe in the team here." I notice that he looks surprised. "Sid, this is an incredibly talented, experienced and character driven team. The answers are all here and my job is to help. I don't have the answers, you guys do."

"So are you giving us the tootsie pop or watching us lick it?" he says with a teasing smile.

Of course my mind goes straight to his lips and I have to force myself not to drift off into my imagination.

"Maybe a little of both" I respond and smile back. Oh boy.


	4. Chapter 4

I find my mind drifting back to my conversation with Mac over the next few days. It was unexpected although I'm not quite sure what I expected. She isn't as passive or a 'what do you think' kind of doctor. Most of these consultants are either too scared to offend one of the team's stars and never give you their opinion although you always have the feeling that they think that they have all of the answers. With Mac, she was confident in what she knows and trusting that the team knows how to make things better. I was also very grateful that she didn't ask about me, personally. I know what the CBA says but she could have offered if I wanted blah, blah, blah.

We're playing our second pre-season game of the season tonight against Detroit. We won the first game in Columbus and it was a good win. Lizzy was ok with my travel but it was only two days long. The test will be when we have a road trip out west and I'm gone for more than a week. As I walk down the hall, the long way around so that I don't pass the visitor's locker room, I'm feeling better than I have in a very long time. It's the routine of preparing for the game. Doing the same things, in the same way and at the same time brings a sense of peace. I can even turn my brain off and let muscle-memory take over.

I notice that the lounge and locker room are more empty than usual. So is the weight room. After I get into my warm up gear, I head back into the lounge and find Jennifer, PR director, who is walking toward the tunnel to the ice.

"Where is everyone?" I ask her.

"They're watching the coach's scrimmage. It's the first one of the season" she replies and then disappears.

Sure, it's the first one of the season but Mario isn't on the ice so I don't know why everyone is watching. To solve my curiosity, I follow Jennifer out to the rink to see what's going on that is so interesting. Almost all of the players are out here sitting low in the stands since the guys playing are on the benches. I can pick out the coaches, trainers and other guys playing. There's one guy that I don't know and he's currently playing D against Dan. A cheer goes up from the guys when he strips Dan of the puck, races into the offensive zone and scores. That's when I notice the guy is wearing a cage instead of a visor and that it isn't a guy at all. The long pony tail sticking out from the helmet is a giveaway before she gets closer and does a fly-by of her bench. It's Mac!

"You never said that you knew her" Glasser says beside me.

"I don't" I reply, at least I don't think so.

"She won the gold in Vancouver. You don't remember?"

I flip through the files in my brain. Fuck, that was almost four years ago and I remember Wickenheiser, Szabador and Jenner but not Mac. Huh.

"No, I really don't" I answer him.

The puck drops at centre and she's still on the ice so I watch. Kadar gives the puck away at centre and Mac has to pivot, skate backward and try and stop one of the interns on the communications team. He tries to deke on her but he gave it away with his eyes and she saw it then checked him. Another cheer goes up in the stands from the guys. The game is over within the next few minutes and the stands begin to clear out. We have our own game to prepare for and time is ticking for us. I linger a few minutes to watch the handshake line. As she skates back to the bench, Mac releases her helmet, pulls it up onto her head and I see the smile. Her eyes are a deep brown and shine while her grin widens. I recognize that look; it's the look of pure joy that you only get from being on the ice and playing the game that you love. There are dimples winking in both of her cheeks too. Although I haven't really noticed before, seeing her like this, clearly joyful, makes her quite beautiful. I wonder why she isn't still playing.

I refocus on our game tonight and go start warming up. The routine is good. The treadmill is first, then stretching and then legs. The complete focus is on warming up muscle groups slowly and feeling them respond. Our two-touch soccer game continues the warm up and adds a little competition with the other guys. The coach's scrimmage is on everyone's mind.

"Sid, did you know Mac at the Olympics?" this is from Duper.

"I don't remember meeting her although it's possible. We went to each other's games if we weren't playing" I reply.

"She's good; skates better than you Tanger" Duper says to chirp at Letang who retaliates by kicking the ball at Duper.

"Why isn't she still playing?" I ask the group at large.

"I think she blew out her knew in a game. She played in the AJHL and then the men's team at her university" Addsy says. He has a lot of family in Alberta so he knows about the league.

"She didn't play in the girls' league?" Kuni asks.

"I wouldn't let her hear you say 'girls' league Kuni" Duper says and we all laugh.

"Who knew she was so hot" this is from Nealer of course. "You know, if you go for the athletic sort."

Everyone laughs at him. If a woman has breasts then she's hot in his book.

Soon I'm out and leave the game to continue my warm up. After looking at the clock, I see that I'm just in time for a new pregame tradition.

"Daddy!" I hear as I enter the lounge. Lizzy runs across the room and I scoop her up in my arms.

"Hi princess, I missed you!" I nuzzle her neck with kisses and she giggles; best sound ever. "Hi" I say to mom and dad over her shoulder.

"Geno!" Lizzy yells and wiggles down so that she can hug Geno. My little girl has a huge crush on our Russian.

"She was looking forward to seeing you son but Geno is a very close second" dad tells me.

"Yeah, I know. Are you going to stay for some of the game?" I ask. We've decided to wait to see if Lizzy had her full nap before letting her stay up an extra hour for the first period.

"Yeah" mom replies. "She had a good nap and I think it's good for her to watch after your road trip. Can we bring her down after the first period to say goodnight?"

My immediate reaction is no because I don't want my routine changed between periods; but, it will be good for Lizzy and so, as if find myself doing a lot of, I adjust.

"Sure mom, come down directly after the period ends."

Mom smiles and lays her hand on my cheek. She does this when she knows I'm doing what I think is right even if it's not what I really want to do.

"Your girl, she love me best Sid" Geno says as he comes up beside me. Lizzy has her arms around his neck and is smiling.

"She only thinks you talk funny" I reply. "Don't you princess?"

"Yeppers" she replies as I knew she would. Lizzy didn't understand the question but she loves answering with 'yeppers.'

"Oh no, you breaking up with me?" Geno asks her and has Lizzy giggling again.

Geno puts Lizzy down so that he can continue his warm-up. Unfortunately, Lizzy is full of energy and goes running down the hall.

"I'll get her" I say and go after her. Wow, the little bugger is fast!

* * *

I'm eternally grateful to Dana for finding a place to dry out my gear. I know that there is a faint smell of nasty gear throughout the locker room but I'd rather not have it in my office. There's also a place for me to shower. I don't know why they set up two bathrooms with full showers but I'm very happy for it. This place is definitely designed and meant for the players, men, but there are a few touches that make me wonder if they thought a woman might be here occasionally. Dana even put in a cupboard in one of the bathrooms so that I can keep some toiletries here.

The scrimmage was fun although it did remind me how long it's been since I played. I'm definitely going to feel it tomorrow or the next day. A great side benefit that I hadn't considered when I took the job is the first class facilities that would be available to me. I need to work around the player's schedule but I'd do that anyway. Kadar has even offered to continue my rehab. As a 'regular' person, I'm back one hundred percent and in no need of additional rehabbing. As an athlete, or former athlete, there is still a lot of work to do. Again I feel grateful for this job. I know that my playing career is over and I'll never play again; but, I'd like to prevent arthritis as long as possible and, maybe, play in scrimmages like today without being in pain later.

Coming out of my office, a very small person slams into my legs. I look down and it's a little girl about three or four years old; she's gorgeous smiling up at me with big, mischievous blue eyes.

"Can you hide me?" she asks.

"Hide you from what?" I ask back.

"My daddy is chasing me" she says as she ducks into my office and goes behind my desk.

I look back out of the office and see Sid running down the hall. It looks like the mischievous urchin in my office is his daughter.

"Have you seen a three year old run this way?" he asks.

"No, I haven't seen anyone" I tell him while nodding and then pointing behind my desk.

Sid catches on and says "it appears that I've lost my daughter. She was going this way and then poof."

I stifle a chuckle back. "She'll need to be careful Sid or the Consol creature may go after her. You know how much he loves little girls."

Sid smiles back and replies "yeah he does. Oh well, I will miss her."

"Daddy I'm here! Don't let the creature catch me!"

She comes running from behind my desk and directly into Sid's arms. He picks her up and kisses her cheek.

"You can't run away from us princess. We don't want to lose you" Sid tells her. "Understand?"

"Yeppers" she replies.

"Do you really understand?" he repeats.

She looks thoughtful and says "yes daddy."

"Good" and kisses her puckered lips.

It's an incredibly sweet moment. I almost feel like an interloper watching them.

"Did you introduce yourself to Mac?" he asks his daughter.

Lizzy looks at me much more shyly than she did a few minutes before and, when I smile, she tucks her face into the curve of Sid's neck. Sid gives me an apologetic look.

"Lizzy" I say softly. "My name is Mac. I work with your daddy."

She peeks one eye to look at me and softly asks "you do?"

"Yes I do. I'm one of their doctors."

"You fix ouchies?"

"Sort of. I help them play better. Which one is your favourite Penguin?" I ask her.

May I'll get a smile from her now asking about her daddy. It works and she gives me a huge grin.

"Iceberg!" she yells and wiggles in Sid's arms.

I can't help but laugh when she doesn't say Sid's name but the mascot's instead. Sid gives me a self-deprecating smile.

"She knows what she likes" he replies. "Say goodbye to Mac" he tells Lizzy.

"Bye Mac" she parrots back and waves at me. She keeps waving as they walk down the corridor together. What a cutie.

I head back into my office to review my schedule for tomorrow. I'm continuing with the players and meeting with Tony Granato too. I've really admire the coaching team here. Dan sets the example as an even, thoughtful and respectful coach. He's a great communicator and knows how to lead superstars which is probably why they gave him the head coaching job for the Olympics. He knows how to coach a team of extraordinary players with probably the best two players in the world in Geno and Sid. Watching that relationship has been really interesting because I wouldn't call them friends but there is definitely a closeness that goes beyond being team mates. Some people were surprised when Geno signed a long term contract with the Pens since he'll always be second to Sid; but, you only need to see them interact, particularly on the ice, and you know why. They are simply the best at what they do and keenly understand how to use each other's strengths for the best of the team. The power play is the best example of that strength.

"Do you have a minute?" I hear from the door. I'm surprised to see Sid back.

"Sure" I tell him and move to sit on my sofa.

"I asked Dan if I could talk to you about something."

This sounds odd and I have no idea where he's going with this so I reply "ok."

"It's nothing bad, sorry" he says when he sees that I'm clearly wary. "You know that we're going to West Point as our last team event before the season begins."

I nod. I helped to choose West Point and in planning the event with the coaching team.

Sid continues. "Dan told me the medical team isn't coming, which they never do, but you're officially part of the medical team. This means that you aren't coming, right?"

"That's right" I reply not sure where he's going.

"Mac, if you want to be part of the team, really part of the team, then you need to come with us. These things always set the tone for the season and we always go back to what we discussed and experienced together that couple of days. After we spoke the other day, I started to understand the approach that you're taking. If what you told Lizzy is true, and you're here to help us play better, then you need to be part of this, part of the team. We've been practicing together but this trip is where we come together as that team."

I listen carefully to Sid as he explains why he thinks that I should go with them. He makes a very good point and one that I brought up when we were planning the trip. It was suggested by others that having a woman at West Point might not help the team come together. They would wonder who I am and why I'm there. They also might be concerned with being themselves which is essential to team building. I thought differently but didn't want to argue since I'd barely started the new job. Obviously I can't tell Sid what was discussed and decided back then. He obviously disagrees with 'them.'

"What did Dan say when you suggested that I should go?" I ask instead.

Sid tilts his head and looks at me thoughtfully. After a moment, he smiles and chuckles.

"Mac, when I was a kid, if my mom told me to do something that I didn't want to do then I'd sometimes go to my dad. He would always ask me 'what did your mom say" instead of answering my question. You kind of sound like my dad just now."

I really need to remember how smart this guy is and how quickly he picks things up.

"Why don't we simply move on" I say.

Sid understands that I don't want to answer, smiles and says "ok. To answer your original question, Dan said that I should invite you."

Part of me is surprised since Dan was one of the guys who was concerned about me coming on this trip. He didn't feel as strongly as others though, so part of me isn't surprised that he told Sid to invite me. I think that we're all figuring out how this will work and I'll have to roll with the punches as they say.

"Then I'll definitely go Sid. I look forward to it."

"You're going to have to participate in everything Mac. You might not look forward to it as much when you know what we're doing."

I can tell that he's teasing me. "Sid, I know what's been planned and you might want to be scared."

We both end up smiling at each. There's a comfortable moment that has happened between us. This is the beginning of a good relationship and that's going to be essential to making changes with this team. As captain, Sid is going to be essential to making changes with this team. I never expected to have him on board so quickly but I'm going to count myself lucky and utilize his leadership. It's going to be a very interesting season.


	5. Chapter 5

This isn't the Pens first trip to West Point. They've been here a few times to prepare for a new season; but, this time we've planned different activities from the past. I helped plan this event so you'd think that I wouldn't be surprised by how hard it is or what's happening. Ha! I feel a certain amount of pressure to keep up with everyone so I'm definitely hurting. If I'm honest, I'm also really competitive and want to win at everything. Right now we're on a tour of the training facility at West Point. It's really cool to watch how the military train. I wasn't expecting so much technology in their training and right now we're watching a demonstration of how they practice target shooting. It looks exactly like a video game. There are TV screens and the guys have what look like real guns even though I know that there isn't real ammunition in them.

There are huge smiles on the player's faces when the guide asks if they want to try it out for themselves. We're separated into our teams and given the opportunity to try it. I'm in a group with Marc-Andre, Sid, Tanner, Robert, Beau, Mike and Tony. Beau, Tanner, Mike and Marc go first. As expected, there is a lot of chirping going on. I learn quickly that these guys play Call of Duty on the plane during the season and there are a lot of scores to settle from previous losses and victories. Marc switches into French occasionally which has Sid and me both laughing. It looks like we're the only ones who understand French and I notice Sid's surprised look when I laugh.

When it's our turn, the guys let me choose my spot first. It's sweet really. They have no idea what they're in for of course. When we're all set, they start the video and we start to shoot. The same scene flashes across all of our screens and we need to shoot, or not shoot, the people we see. They explained to us before we started which ones you want to incapacitate, which ones you don't shoot because they're 'friendlies' and which ones you shoot to kill. Muscle memory isn't just in hockey; all of the times my father took me hunting with him in Northern Ontario come back to me now. We would shoot birds and deer and every size animal in between. I also learned to assess quickly if it was a species that you could hunt or was on the protected list.

When we're done, all of the groups get back together so that they can tell us how we did. There are no 'scores' on the screens like you have in a video game so no one knows who 'won'. Of course there is even more chirping going on now. The guys are all guessing who did better. Most think it was Sid because of the video games or Coach Martin because he hunts in the off season.

"In third place" our guide begins and the guys quiet. "In third place is Malkin."

Everyone claps and laughs at the same time. No one expected Geno apparently because he is horrible at Call of Duty.

"In second place is Crosby" our guide continues.

There is more cheering but it quickly turns to wonder of who came in first. Most think that it is Coach Martin.

"In first place" here the guide pauses for effect. "In first place is St. Pierre."

Everyone is silent and quizzical for a moment until Sid says "congrats Mac." That's when all eyes come to me surprised.

"We have a ringer" I hear Dan shout out and everyone laughs.

As we move to the next part of the tour, I experience a lot of chirping from the guys about my marksmanship. The significance of the moment isn't lost on me. The more they start to see me as one of the team then the easier it will be to work with them. We're building the trust and relationship which will enable everything that comes next.

We're brought into another room where there are lots of laptops set up on tables in groups. We sit in our teams and this phase of the training is explained. It is another simulation only we have earphones and microphones so that we can talk to each other and work as a team. The scenario and goal is explained to us. The whole team needs to get back to base together. We all have different vantage points and need to talk to each other to successfully overcome the challenges.

It takes us a little time to figure out the environment and how to navigate it. I'm thrown into the challenge and the fun of the game as well as the competition. Each team achieves points through the time it takes you to accomplish your goal. I have to remind myself to keep part of my brain on observing how the players interact. Robert and Marc are the most vocal at the beginning. They're pointing out where the team should go and how we should accomplish our goal. Slowly, Sid becomes more vocal and provides suggestions and then directions for where we should go and how we should get there. It's very consistent with his leadership style. In the 'game,' he is direct, confident and assertive. Outside of the 'game,' is more reserved and lets others take the lead. It's fascinating to watch.

When I first talked to them, one of the coaches' concerns about the leadership of the team was with Crosby. Everyone agrees about his talent and the example he provides with his compete-level and work ethic. What they are concerned about is the self-control, or lack of, when he's pushed or becomes frustrated. He takes part in a lot of shit after the whistle that often earns him a penalty or requires one of his team mates to step in and stick up for their captain. It's not that Sid would ever want them to but it's one of those unwritten rules; you don't touch our captain! The team follows Sid, a true sign of his exceptional leadership, but that includes his frustration and extracurricular activities between the whistles. The lack of discipline in those situations has been a key contribution that prevented this team from achieving the success they otherwise could achieve. The Flyers/Pens series in 2012 is a good example of that; that series was a true clusterfuck of bad decisions and frustration.

Initially, it felt really strange to be talking about areas of improvement for the best player in the world but, the more we talked, the more I realized we were talking about it because he's the best player in the world and the leader of this team. Everyone looks to Sid to set the tone in games and will follow his lead. It's because he's so good that he has that much influence, that much power, over his team mates. This is especially true of Geno. He can get very frustrated easily and when others, especially Sid, get frustrated too then Geno makes errors that often become penalties. The two best players are only good if they're both in the game and not the penalty box.

"Watch your flank Mac!" I hear Sid yell out to me.

I notice that there is an 'unfriendly' coming up behind so I take evasive action and Sid shoots him. We manage to get everyone to our team back to base and the game ends to record our time and score. Tanner was shot in the shoulder so we'll lose points for that but we didn't lose anyone. Apparently the same can't be said for every team as I hear Geno and Kris arguing about how Kris was killed. He seems to think that Geno didn't cover him and Geno thinks that Kris did something stupid. The way they argue is good to watch. Team mates that couldn't argue like this, over a game, wouldn't be as strong as they need to be to achieve success. The competitive spirit is also fascinating to watch.

"They're like that when we play Call of Duty too." I hear Sid say beside.

I look at him and smile. "I would expect nothing less from professional athletes. You're a wee bit competitive." This earns a laugh from Sid.

"That we are" he replies and looks around.

He gets an odd look on his face as he looks over his team mates and coaches. It's almost wistful but he is smiling. Sid notices me watching him.

"Sorry, bad habit" I tell him.

"What's a bad habit?" he asks.

"Staring, watching, observing; take your pick."

"I would think that it's a necessity in your profession" he says.

I smile "sometimes. Other times it's simply curiosity."

"I thought therapists were just nosey."

I can see that he's teasing. It looks like the Pen's captain is accepting me. Maybe his team will follow his lead here too.

"We are but you're not supposed to notice." I tell him.

Before Sid can respond, we are called to attention and do our best 'oo-rah.' Then we are quickly led outside to a football field. Oh God! I hate football. I may have great reflexes on the ice but I'm a spaz on land. I can barely run in a straight line, I can't catch and I can't throw. When they use the term 'throw like a girl' they are actually talking about me and I don't take it as a derogatory term. In fact, I only do the same routines when I work out because I've built so much muscle memory over the years that I don't trip and fall anymore. My team mates used to think it was hilarious and father was always mortified when we played baseball or some other sport; but, put me on skates and I can do anything.

We get on the field and agree that Sid will be quarterback. They want me to run long and I debate sharing how much of a klutz I am but decide against it. Maybe, by some miracle, I won't trip, fall or otherwise embarrass myself. It's two-hand-touch so I don't have to worry too much about falling, I hope. There's the snap and I start running. Thankfully Beau is open down the other side of the field and Sid connects with him. We set up again, there's the snap and I run again only this time I know that Sid is going to throw it to me. Shit. I extend my arms and put my hands out praying that I can catch the damn ball. I'm able to track it looking over my shoulder. I may just catch this damn thing. That thought quickly leaves my mind when the ball hits and then bounces out of my hands. That would be embarrassing enough since it was such a great throw but I need to add to it of course. When my head turns to see the ball bounce out of my hands, there is a split second when I see the post in the end zone before I run directly into it.

* * *

I saw it happening but there was nothing to do to stop it. I threw the ball perfectly so that Mac could pick it out of the air as she ran into the end zone. Her trajectory was perfect too. Everything was perfect until the ball bounced off of her hand rather than into it and then she smacked right into the post. She didn't hit her head thankfully. Most of the impact was taken on her right arm and shoulder. Mac bounced off of the post and then flat on her ass.

We're all stunned for a moment at what happened. I think I'm the first to realize what was going on and I start running toward Mac. Since I'm so far down the field I'm hardly the first person there. Kadar is beside her and checking out her shoulder and elbow.

"I'm ok Mike, seriously, I'm ok. My arm is fine. If I die it will be from embarrassment." Mac says and makes us all chuckle. "Guys" she says as she looks around. "I'm fine."

She gets up and we all move back. There is lots of applause as she shakes it off and we go back to the game. Mac insists on staying in and playing. She's definitely a gamer, that's for sure.

We finish our game, which we win of course, and then the other two teams play. I make sure that I find Mac as we watch the other two teams play.

"How are you?" I ask.

"Besides embarrassed, mortified and a little sore?" she responds.

"Yeah, besides that" I tell her.

"I'm just fine."

I replay it in my mind and, knowing that she's fine I can't help laughing at the absurdity of watching her run directly into the post.

"Sorry" I tell her.

She arches a brow which makes me laugh harder.

"Really Mac, I'm sorry" of course I say this through laughter.

"Sure Crosby" she replies and looks back at the game.

I don't know what makes me ask but I do. "How can you be so coordinated on the ice but" I stop not knowing how to finish or if I even should. I'm relieved when Mac laughs.

"It's been a mystery my entire life Sid. I am a complete, uncoordinated klutz off the ice; always have been and probably always will be."

I can only shake my head because it's weird.

"How is this trip comparing to your other ones?" she asks me.

"We've been to West Point a couple of times now and each time is different. This time we're getting to do a lot more military stuff than in the past. Most of the stuff you could only do with real guns before can be done with the computers now so it's cool."

"They wouldn't let you shoot real guns before?" she asks and I can tell that she's teasing.

"I don't know why?" I respond sarcastically.

We're smiling at each other again. I'm reminded of the last couple of times that we've spoken like this and it has always been easy. There is comfortableness between us that I don't usually feel with people I don't know. Even when they are part of the team, I still don't know if I can trust them and usually keep to myself. It's been interesting to feel this connection with Mac. Oh, that reminds me.

"Have we met before Mac? In Vancouver maybe?"

She chuckles "yeah, we met in Vancouver. It's no wonder that you don't remember Sid. There always seemed to be people around you or wanting to meet you. I know you were close Haley and a few of the other girls."

"Yeah, we saw your game. You guys played incredible throughout the entire tournament. It's a shame that they keep talking about our game when yours was truly incredible."

"I'd say an overtime goal, the golden goal, was pretty incredible Sid."

"Why did you stop playing?" The question is out of my mouth before I can think about it. "Sorry, you don't have to answer that Mac. It's none of my business."

"It's ok Sid. I completely blew out my knee. MCL, ACL, it was nasty and career ending."

Wow, now I'm really sorry that I asked. It takes me back to my injury laden two years when I wondered if I would ever play again. It was unthinkable and yet a real possibility since I couldn't get symptom free. Of course now I have much more in my life than hockey. I also know what it's like to lose, truly lose, what matters most and it has nothing to do with hockey. Every day I remember what it's like to feel a loss that tears at your soul.

"Sid? Where did you go?" Mac asks and brings me back to our conversation.

"Sorry Mac. I wandered back to when I was dealing with injuries." At least this is mostly true.

"Yeah, I don't know what it must be like to deal with concussions. At least with a knee you know if you can recover and what it will take."

I nod. "Yeah, I think that was the worst thing. I never knew when, if ever, I would stop feeling symptoms. It was so hard to be out of control over an injury. When I hurt my ankle years ago, I could get treatment and exercise to strengthen the muscles. When it's your head" I shrug and don't finish. I'm surprised that I'm talking about his at all. I never, never talk about the concussions unless I have to through a reporters' question. Now I'm volunteering information about that time.

"You've put it behind you Sid. Through that injury, you've changed the way the game is played and helped many, many players. You've even changed what happens in the minors down through to the kid who is tying up their skates for the first time."

I've heard this before of course but it hits me differently right now. Maybe it's because I have a daughter that I think about kid's safety more. Maybe it's because it's coming from Mac who I seem to want to talk to about everything. Unfortunately, we can't continue our conversation because the game is over and we're called to go for lunch.

"Are you sure you're ok?" I ask as we walk to meet our team.

"Yeah, thanks Sid" Mac replies and smiles.

The rest of the guys ask how she's doing as we join them on the way for lunch. When they realize that she is ok, that's when the chirping starts and they don't take it easy on her. She takes it with good humour even when it continues during lunch. A few of the military guys join us. I notice that Mac leaves our table to provide room for another serviceman. She joins a few of the coaches and I see her immediately start talking and laughing with Kades. They seem to be getting along really well. I've noticed that they spend a lot of time together usually laughing or talking alone. I have no idea why it annoys me.

Flower has everyone at the table laughing which reminds me that I'm not paying attention. I focus back on the guys and serviceman while we finish our lunch. They want to hear all about being a hockey player and I know that we want to know about being in the military even though none of us ask. We do a lot with the military and have learned not to ask about the tours unless they volunteer something. You never know what they might not want to discuss or what might bother them.

The rest of the day goes by quickly and we all fall into bed that night exhausted. We're staying in the barracks which reminds me of being in the major-junior league; lots of guys in a very small room. I hear a couple guys snoring and recognize that one is Flower. The noise doesn't bother me but I still can't sleep. Giving up, I throw on some clothes and decide to go for a walk. It's warm for a late September evening but you can definitely feel fall in the air. I avoid the buildings and walk to the football field instead. The quiet is peaceful and the darkness comfortable. I sit in the stands to enjoy the night.

"I thought I was the only one who couldn't sleep" I hear to my right.

I look over and faintly make out Mac in the darkness.

"You think we would after such a busy day" she continues.

"I would have thought so, yeah" I reply.

"I can hear snoring through the walls."

I chuckle. "You should try being in the room with them."

"You don't snore?"

"Not that I've been told."

We're quiet for a few moments.

"Was the snoring keeping you up too?" Mac asks.

"No, just couldn't seem to settle tonight." Wow, again I'm telling her things that I wouldn't otherwise divulge.

"There's a lot going on and to figure out. Once the season starts it will feel more comfortable and routine for everyone."

"Yeah, it's the routine that I'm still figuring out" I tell her thinking of Lizzy.

Mac doesn't respond right away so I continue.

"You know how hockey players love their routine" I tell her.

"Of course. It's one of the healthier ways to combat stress."

"What do you mean?" With all of the psychologists I've seen for my game, I've never heard that before.

"Think about it this way Sid: there are so many things in your life that you can't control that this is one thing you can. There is comfort in routine. You can't control how your team mates or the other team are going to play. You can't control the schedule or where you need to be and when. You in particular have had so much pressure on you and from a very young age. I'd bet you have more routines than most players."

She pauses there and I let that sink in. She's right that I have more routines than others do. The guys used to make fun of it a lot but now they simply know that it's my way.

Before I can sensor myself, I ask "is that why I have a few more this year?"

Oh shit, why did I say that? I definitely don't want to talk about this and especially with the team shrink. If I haven't seen a shrink before now then I certainly don't want to see one as we go into the season. I need to leave this alone and focus on hockey and Lizzy.

"You didn't mean to ask that did you?" Mac asks me.

She's so fucking intuitive. How did she know that?

"No, I didn't" I answer softly.

"Ok" is all she says.

We're quiet again. I'm surprised that she doesn't pick up on my question and ask some of her own about what I've said but she doesn't.

"How do you think the Pirates are going to do in the playoffs?" she asks.

I can't help but chuckle and be appreciative of her change of subject.

"It's their year I think" I respond. "Have you been to a game?"

"Not yet. To be honest, I'm not much of a baseball fan. I'll see any sport live but baseball puts me to sleep on TV."

"I try to get to a few games each year. We usually have more time now than at the end of the season."

We're quiet again for a while and my question keeps niggling in my brain around and around. I am compelled to ask "What if I was to really ask you that question?"

I hear Mac sigh softly. She knows exactly what question I mean.

"Sid, if I put the whole rule thing with the CBA aside, which I wouldn't, then I'd have to ask if you're really ready to have that conversation. If you haven't asked that question before, what makes you want to ask it right now? What are you trying to learn about yourself, about how you feel, about your well-being? Why have your done it before now and what will be the impact of not investigating? If you really want to have that conversation then it shouldn't be on a football field, in the dark, at West Point. I'd also say that if you haven't explored any of those things then you really should for both you and your daughter."

She stops and I wait to see what she's going to say or ask next. Instead, I hear Mac get up and start down the stands.

"Good night Sid."

"Good night Mac" I reply.

I'm left alone, in the dark, thinking. There are two thoughts that keep going through my head. First, is Mac right and I need to look at how I'm feeling for Lizzy's sake as much as mine? Second, and more strangely, why do I trust a complete stranger when I haven't talked to anyone about what's happened and how it affects me before now?


	6. Chapter 6

I feel like such a girl as I stare into the mirror before dressing. I hate my body. That's not exactly true. As a hockey player I love my body. I'm 5'9", average for a player but tall for a woman. I'm completely straight up and down with a flat stomach but no waist. The only curve I have is my ass but that sticks out more than I'd like. It's impossible to buy pants without tailoring them because my thighs are so big. I have small breasts and my shoulders are wide. This body is perfect for hockey; I've made it that way, but it sucks for being a girl. On top of that, I never know what to do with my hair. It falls in weird dark curls over my shoulders and I've never been able to make it look good.

I've worn Pens gear for the games so far but tonight is the home opener. I brought a few things with me today because I was so indecisive at home and I still can't make up my mind what to wear. I know that I don't want to wear the Pens gear. I brought a dress, yuck, I brought a suit, the old standby, and I brought a skirt and blouse that I probably should have thrown out years ago. The hair is easy so I give up and put it up in the usual pony tail. The clothes are harder. I don't know why I put myself through this since I'm going to wear the suit. It's one of the few that have been tailored nicely. The jacket nips in at the waist when it's done up and makes me look like I actually have a waist. After dressing and light makeup, I'm ready for the game. I want to observe everyone during their pregame rituals; players and staff. This team is more than players and everyone needs to play their part.

After leaving everything in my office, I wander off to the see what the guys are doing.

"You clean up well" I hear behind me.

I can't help laughing at Mike. "Kades, you" I look him up and down. "You look exactly the same as you always do."

This time he laughs and we walk together to the player's lounge. There are a couple of guys wandering through in workout gear. The rest will be here within the next ten minutes or so. Hockey players are habitually on time with their routines. I remember a goalie I played with who would wait in her car if she was a few minutes early to the rink on game day.

"What's up with the suit?" Mike asks me.

"It didn't feel right not to be. The medical staff wear suits and most of the coaches so" I trail off and shrug.

"Well it looks good" he responds with an interesting look in his eye. "Definitely an improvement over the rest of the medical team."

I simply laugh and walk toward the gym. Many of the players are in various stages of their warm up. Some are in shorts and tees and some are in the full workout gear. The hockey player in me recognizes the stretches and routines because I've done them for many years myself. The muscles need to warm and be activated slowly and specifically. The woman in me can't help but admire the muscled, strong and straining bodies; legs, arms, chests and those excellent asses. Hockey players always have great asses. Of course my eyes involuntarily seek out the best one on the team. Sid is on the treadmill running as part of his warm up. As he is with everything he does, Sid looks extremely focused and single minded right now. It's interesting how the best athletes in the world have learned to compartmentalize their lives and emotions. Although the team was horrible in the playoffs against the Bruins last year, just the fact that Sid could even play to the level in which he did after losing his fiancé so tragically speaks to his ability to focus and compartmentalize his life. I learned early on in my education that I need to be cautious when I feel empathy with patients so that it doesn't affect my professional opinion; but, I can't help how I feel when I think about all that Sid and his daughter have been through. It's tragic and inspiring at the same time. You only have to meet Lizzy to know how strong their relationship is and how well that little girl is doing.

"I hear that you kicked ass again in the coach's game again" I hear beside me. It's Jennifer from the communications team.

"I don't know about that but it was definitely fun" I respond.

"It's nice to see a woman out there."

"Why don't you play?" I ask her.

Jen chuckles. "I can skate but there is no way that I could play with you guys. I've been around hockey my whole life but I've never played."

"I bet you could do it" I tell her.

Jen tilts her head and smiles at me. "I can see why you're so good at your job."

I'm not sure where she's going with this so I wait for her to continue.

"You have a calm and encouraging manner while being authentic" she continues. "That's hard to do."

"Thank you" I reply and go back to watching the guys. I notice that Sid has left the gym. Why is it that I'm constantly seeking him out even if I'm not aware that I'm doing it?

"That never gets old" Jen whispers. I think I know what she means but I let her continue. "Watching these guys work out, it never gets old."

We find ourselves grinning and sharing a moment that only women can understand and we understand each other perfectly.

Jen is pulled away and I go find the other coaches. I'm glad that they let me be a fly on the wall when they meet to discuss the players or the game. It helps me understand the team better and, if I'm honest with myself, some of the best coaching minds are in this room and I'd be crazy if I didn't want to learn more about the game from them. Tonight they want to take advantage of the emotion and momentum of the team's first game of the season without allowing themselves to become emotional. Occasionally, one of the coaches will glance over at me as they're talking. It's the same thing that the players do when I'm in the room and is expected as we get to know each other. Unless they specifically ask my opinion, or if I have a strong one, I will remain quiet. My role is to learn and absorb right now and not to debate team tactics on the ice.

When the meeting is done, we all head to the locker room for Dan's first team meeting. He has two before each game. The first is detailed and brings together all of the individual meetings that the assistant coaches have had with their respective groups. The last one will be directly before the game where he'll highlight key things and announce the starting line-up. I stand with Mike at the doorway during the meeting. Neither of us is directly involved in this part of the preparation but we are part of the team.

"What are you doing after the game?" I hear Mike whisper to me.

"Sleeping" I tell him with a chuckle.

"You won't go right home to sleep."

"No, you're right. I'll be way too wound up I guess."

"Want to grab some dinner after the game?"

I manage, barely, to cover my surprise. Did Mike just ask me out or is it a friendly gesture? I'm new here so I can use all the friends that I can get. He's been very kind since I got here so I'm sure he's continuing to build our friendship.

"Sure, thanks" I tell him with a smile.

"Great" he smiles back.

We focus our attention back to Dan again while he finishes the meeting.

When the meeting ends, the players go back to their routines and warm up. Game time comes very quickly and then we're thrown into the game. I float between watching the game in the lounge and the side of the bench. I get lost in the game a few times and simply admire how much skill is on this team. When it's over, Marc has a shut-out and three players, including Sid, have a goal in the win over the Devils. There were a few miscues as you'd expect in the first game of the season but the guys quickly came together each time and regrouped. There was a lot of conversation both on the bench and on the ice.

They say that a healthy restaurant kitchen is when all of the chefs and cooks are talking to each other. They communicate how they're doing, timing and what's coming next. When a kitchen is in the weeds and deep in trouble then it's usually silent. The ice is the same as a kitchen. When there is a lot of communication between the players about timing, adjustments and simple encouragement then they are healthy and successful. Silence is always a killer. Tonight these guys were talking to each other, a lot, and kept making the small adjustments required for success.

Every hockey team awards a token of some kind after each win to the player who contributed the most to that win. Sometimes it's about points, sometimes it's about hits and sometimes it's about simple hard work. This year, the Pens decided to bring home one of the 'rocks' from our last activity at West Point. We hauled very heavy rocks up a hill within our small teams. We brought home a piece of one of those rocks and all of our team flags.

"Ok guys, settle down" Dan begins as the guys take off their gear. They all sit and quiet to listen to him. "That was a great game. We played smart, made our mistakes but came back together to overcome them." Dan turns to Tony and takes the rock from him. "This year, as our winning tradition, we will award this rock to the team member who exemplifies excellence and gritty, determined Penguins hockey in that game. First, Dana has something to show us."

We all turn to the head equipment manager as he and one of his guys unfurl the flag. They have taken all of the individual small flags each team created at West Point and sewed them together into one flag. We already found a place to hang it in the player's lounge so that they'll pass it every day. Spontaneous applause erupts in the room. We kept this as a surprise for everyone. This was supposed to be done before the game directly before they went on the ice. That's when Dana's assistant realized that the flag was sent with some other laundry out to a vendor. A few people furiously tracked it down during the game and the rest prayed that we'd win so that we could do it then. No one would want to celebrate the unveiling if we lost.

"It's my honour" Dan continues "as I do at the first win of the season, to recognize the first player with our symbol of excellence. This rock goes to the backbone of our game tonight who was completely impenetrable, Marc-Andre Fleury."

The guys clap and cheer while Dan hands Marc the rock. With his trademark smile, Marc thanks Dan and outlines how great the guys played in front of him. The celebration breaks up and Jen leads the press into the room. I stay to watch the feeding frenzy; at least that's what it always looks like to me.

"I need about an hour. Does that work for you?" Mike asks me.

I smile and reply "sounds great."

Mike smiles back at me and then heads off toward the gym. I find myself really looking forward to dinner with Mike.

* * *

The game was good. We played well, don't have our timing back yet, but we did play well. I'm so happy that Flower got a shutout. The last two seasons' playoffs won't completely be erased for him until this year's post season but it's a great start for him. Of course that's what the reporters want to talk about after the game. I answer their questions and thankfully it's over quickly. A couple of the guys want to go for dinner tonight. There's a great Italian place that will stay open if they know that we're coming after a game. Not many restaurants will keep their kitchen open until 11pm.

We all cool down and some of the guys work out too. If you don't play a lot of minutes then it helps to spend time in the gym to keep up with your fitness. I shower after cooling down and discover that Bortz, Nealer and Paulie all want to go to dinner. We each take our own cars so that we can leave for home directly afterward. I feel a pang of guilt by not going directly home. My parents tell me over and over that they are fine if I decide to go out after the game. Lizzy is sleeping so it's not as if I can go home and spend time with her. I still feel like I'm taking advantage of them. My parents did so much for me when I was growing up and made a lot of sacrifices. I hate that they can't simply enjoy this time of their life including retirement; neither of them has to work even though dad is my business manager. Deep down I know that I need evenings like this occasionally so that I can simply be me. I don't have to worry about being a dad or a role model. When I'm with the guys away from the rink then I can simply be.

We're ushered to our table and I notice that there are a couple of other tables with people. We order right away. This is a regular hang out for us so there is no need to search the menu.

"Is that Kadar with Mac?" Nealer asks and we all look in the direction which he points.

It is Kades and Mac. Although we can't hear them, Kadar says something to Mac and she laughs, a lot. It clearly looks like a date. I'm not usually perceptive about these things but I don't think you need to be in this situation, it is clearly a date. Hmm, I don't know why I feel irked about it.

"Yeah it is" Bortz says. "Kades certainly moves quickly, eh?"

The guys laugh but I don't find it funny. Of course Mac is free to date anyone she wants, it's not like Kades is a patient of hers, and it's nice to see Kadar out socially. It's just really odd I guess. The conversation quickly becomes crude as the guys start wondering about Mac and Kades. I let my mind and eyes wander back to the duo having dinner. Mac is smiling again at something Kadar is telling her. I never realized how pretty Mac is until now. She's taken her suit jacket off and has a plunging blouse on and her skin is glowing in the soft lighting. I'm only brought back to the conversation at my table when the waiter arrives with our food.

After dinner, I head straight home while the couple guys are going to grab a drink. I'm tired and it will be an early morning with Lizzy tomorrow. If I'm home then I like to take care of her rather than mom. This includes breakfast no matter how late I'm out the night before. There is the soft glow of the light mom always leaves on for me after they've gone to bed. Once inside, I turn it off and head upstairs. I open Lizzy's door quietly and have to squint to see her bed. She's not there. I feel a moment of panic but remember where she might have gone. My thought is confirmed when I enter my bedroom. My tiny girl is laying in my California king bed. She's barely a dot in the middle of the bed with the mound of pillows. I change and get ready for bed before going to Lizzy.

I lift her little body in my arms and carry her back to her own room and bed. If she wakes in the middle of the night then she often comes to my room to find me. Lizzy will climb into my bed alone if I'm not there. It happened less toward the end of the summer but she has been doing it more often since I've started traveling again.

"Daddy" she says softly as I tuck her in.

"I'm here princess. Time for you to sleep" I reply and kiss her forehead.

"Ok" she says and drifts directly back to sleep.

Back in my own room, I drift off just as quickly, exhausted after a long day but satisfied with the way it turned out.

When I wake, it's still very dark in my room. The next thing I notice is shivers erupting across my skin. Sweet lips, soft finger tips and her warm body sliding are over mine. I know it's Cat before I even see her face. She slides up my body to take my lips and I reverse our positions. I love looking down and seeing her beautiful blue eyes shining back up at me. The equal amounts of love and lust have me hard immediately.

I line myself up between her legs and slowly enter her torturing us both. When I'm balls deep inside of her I feel Cat clench and tighten around me. Her legs that had fallen open are now around my waist. She holds me tight to her to prevent me from moving.

"I love how you fill me Sidney. I feel so completely yours, only yours, when we're like this together."

Cat's eyes shine and she begins to slowly move. Her thrusts up to me are slow at first beginning with a small tilt and then building to thrusts. We build speed together and I feel her walls milk me and quiver while I cum inside of her. We are physically as close as two people could ever be. This intimacy, this connection with the woman I love, is overwhelming and I feel the strong emotions wash over me. I pull back slightly to look into Cat's eyes. She wipes at tears on my cheeks that I didn't know were there.

"I love you so much Cat."

"You know how much I love you Sidney but you have to let me go."

I'm confused. "What do you mean?" I ask.

"I love the time we spend together in your dreams but you need to move on Sid. You need to let me go so that you can live your life."

"I am living my life" I feel more than slightly perturbed at this conversation after our beautiful coupling.

"No, you're not. You're a dad and a hockey player but what are you doing for you Sidney? You need to take care of you."

That's the last words I hear before I find myself alone in my room again. It was only a dream but the stickiness in my shorts reminds me how vivid it was. I have to clean up in the bathroom before trying to go back to sleep. It isn't quite so easy this time.

"Daddy" I hear. "Daddy" again.

I open my eyes and Lizzy is beside me in bed with the sunlight making the room glow. She's still in her pjs and looks beautiful. I pull her to me and curl back up under the covers.

"Good morning princess."

"Did we win?" she asks.

I have to chuckle at her. "Yes princess, we won."

Lizzy claps her hands then she rolls over to face me and takes my cheeks in each of her hands.

"Did you get a goal?" she asks.

Again I have to chuckle. "Yep, I got a goal. I got it for you princess."

She smiles widely and lies back in my arms where she drifts back to sleep. I have everything I need right here in my arms. I can't help but notice how much she has grown in the past year. She's still tiny but less so. I take a deep breath and smell the baby powder. Yeah this is a very happy moment.

I wake up again and Lizzy is gone. She must have gone downstairs and my parents let me to sleep. I keep telling mom that I'll get up with Lizzy, and she agrees, but then she lets me sleep. I guess once you're a mom you are always a mom. My mind drifts to how Lizzy won't have her mom when my phone rings. It's Mac.

"Hi" I say.

"Hi Sid, I hope this isn't too early."

"No, I was awake."

"Good. When you come in today, do you think that we can find a few minutes to talk? I want to run an idea by you for some team building activities."

I'm surprised. We don't usually do more of these activities after the season starts.

"Sure Mac. Should I stop by your office?"

"That would be great if you don't mind. What did you think of the game last night?"

I'm surprised when she asks me this because we won. Of course the game went well. Then I remember who I'm talking to and, since she knows the game so well, she probably noticed all of the small things.

"Overall it was great" I tell her. "It was especially great that Flower got the shutout. We have some details to attend to but overall we're moving in the right direction. Oh, I love the flag by the way."

I can hear the smile in her voice when she replies "I'm glad. Dana did a great job putting them all together."

"Yeah he did" I tell her. We have nothing else to discuss on the phone but I don't want to hang up.

"Ok, see you when you get in" she says and we each hang up.

I stretch and then get out of bed. It's time to start another day.


	7. Chapter 7

Last night was odd. We won the first game of the season and the guys played incredible. Then I went to dinner with Mike which was a lot of fun. He's clever and funny and we have so much in common. He's also kept up his hockey body, yum. I had no idea that he's an entrepreneur and the Core Stix I've seen in the Pen's gym is an invention of his. He's promised to teach me how to use them. I still don't know if it was a date or we were simply having a dinner as friends. He didn't try to kiss me at the end but he did walk me to my car and gave me a friendly kiss on the cheek. This morning we were laughing and joking having breakfast with the equipment guys so who knows.

I had an idea driving into the rink today so I called Sid to see if I could get his opinion. Usually, teams will do those teambuilding activities before the season begins in order to quicken the bonding process and then that's it for the season. In looking at things differently, I wonder if we should do those types of things during the year that each have specific a purpose. The guys will bond through the travel and regular things they do as athletes; but, we could have specific 'events' that support team development throughout the season too. I don't think any team has ever done this before so I want to make sure that I'm not completely crazy or too far off of the path that it will have the opposite effect and the guys all think that I'm crazy.

"Mac?" Sid says from my doorway.

"Hi Sid, come on in."

I move to my sofa and Sid sits in the comfortable chair.

"I hope that I didn't wake you up this morning. I forget that you guys sleep in later than we do."

Sid chuckles as he sits. "I have a three year old. There is no sleeping allowed in my house."

It's my turn to chuckle now. "I guess you don't. She sure is full of energy. It must be a lot of fun."

"Yeah, she is." Sid's smile says it all. He looks like a proud dad; it's very sweet.

"What?" Sid says.

That's when I realize that I've been thinking and staring at him for a while now.

"Sorry Sid. My mind wandered for a moment."

"Where did it wander?" he asks.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

I think for a moment and decide to be honest with him.

"I was thinking about how proud you look. You're a proud dad and you should be. Lizzy is a wonderful little girl and very, very happy. That was easy to see for just the few minutes I spent with her. She obviously loves you very much."

Sid looks surprised and doesn't speak so I continue.

"It can't be a surprise to you that that you're a great dad Sid. You may not have known Lizzy a year ago but you've taken to fatherhood naturally."

He chuckles. "She has me wrapped around her little finger."

"Of course she does, that's what little girls do."

"It's the same with your dad?"

Although I try to hide it, I'm not successful and Sid realizes that it isn't the same with my dad and me.

"My father and I have an interesting relationship. I don't think it should be anyone's barometer of what a father / daughter relationship should be. It's not bad. I guess it's just, well, let's say different."

"He had to be happy that you played hockey. He played too, didn't he?"

"Yeah he did but he had an injury that ended his career early. He was playing with the Canadiens which was his dream his whole life. I didn't know him when he played, I wasn't born yet, but mom says that he was never the same after the injury so … Anyway, he was very involved in helping me with my career."

I'm stunned that I've shared that much about my dad. I never talk about him or his injury. It's interesting that I've shared this with Sid. He gives me a small smile seeming to understand how uncomfortable I am right now.

"My dad played for the Habs too and for a split second. I grew up a Habs fan" he tells me.

"Oh my God, I did too. I was a huge Mathieu Schneider fan; gotta love a strong D man."

We reminisce more about the Habs' teams of the '90s. I didn't know that his dad played hockey although it makes sense. Most professional players have a parent, usually a dad, which played hockey for at least part of their own childhood.

"Where did you grow up?" Sid asks me.

"Toronto, actually a suburb near Toronto."

"And you didn't grow up a Leafs fan? How is that possible?"

"Yeah, it wasn't easy. There are two kinds of hockey fans in Toronto; there are those who love the Leafs and those who hate the Leafs."

Sid chuckles. "Yeah I've heard that. Do you have any brothers? Sisters?"

"Nope, only child."

"So spoiled, right?"

"Ha, you may not be an only child but I somehow don't think that you suffered Crosby."

"Ok, you've got me there."

"What was it like to live in Nova Scotia?"

"I don't know how to answer that since I never grew up anywhere else. I love the ocean, fishing, swimming. I think I got that from growing up where I did. No matter where you are in the Maritimes, you're always close to water."

"My family has a cottage up in Haliburton about three hours north of Toronto. I loved spending time outside four wheeling or out on the lake. I never quite took to fishing because I always found it boring; but, I loved sea dooing and water skiing."

I smile as I remember those summers with my cousins. I could only take a week or two off because I had to be at hockey camp the rest of the summer; but, those weeks were incredible, fun and very fond memories.

Sid and I continue chatting about our childhoods and find more things that we have in common. Again, I'm surprised at how easy it is to talk to Sid and how comfortable I am. I keep looking for a chink in the armour, as they say, but Sid seems exactly who he is; a confident, kind and interesting man. The public face that he puts on is still him but a more reserved and careful version of him. When you get to know him, he's less careful and considerate of his words so that he appears much more natural.

"Oh oh, looks like we've been talking a while. I really have to get to practice" Sid tells me.

I look at my watch and see that we've been chatting for over an hour. That's unexpected.

"Can we connect after practice? I probably need about fifteen minutes."

"Sure" Sid says and gets up to leave. He turns before heading out the door. "It was great talking to you Mac."

I smile back at him and reply "you too." I can't help myself from watching Sid walk away. He is a pleasure to watch on and off the ice.

I give myself a shake and go back to my desk. Looking at my schedule, I realize that I made a mistake by saying that I'd talk to Sid after practice because I have two player meetings. I'll have to catch Sid and let him know. Maybe we can talk by phone after he leaves although I'd hate in use part of his family time. Oh well, I'll figure it out later.

* * *

Practice is good. We're getting into a rhythm now as a team and it showed in game last night and practice today. Periodically, my conversation with Mac plays over my mind. She's so easy to talk to; I wonder if it's because of her profession or simply her. We talked so much that we never got to the purpose of our meeting. It was, well, fun.

Dan pulls us together so that we can talk about a few plays. The Sabres are here tomorrow and it will be a very different game from the one with the Devils. Dan is still tinkering with the third and fourth lines as he usually does at the beginning of the season. Joey V and Glasser came into the season in extraordinarily good shape and are playing at the top of their game. It's seeing how the chemistry works and the pieces fit together that will be the trick. I wonder if Mac would have an opinion there too. Would she think that there is a personal component that should be considered?

"Sid, you coming?" Duper yells to me. That's when I realize that I'm still in front of the boards that Dan was drawing on but the guys are in formation for the next drill. I move and take the obligatory chirping with good nature.

After practice, and when the press are gone, I see Mac at the locker room door. She mouths 'can I come in?' I nod and she comes to my stall.

"You don't have to ask if you can come in here Mac."

"I know but I didn't know if the press were coming back so I should wait."

"Once those guys are gone then they don't usually come back. They're filing their stories."

"Ok. Sid, I screwed up my schedule when I talked to you earlier. I'm meeting with someone right now and then I have someone else after. Sorry about that."

"We can meet when you're done. What time will you be leaving?"

She looks surprised and replies "about four I guess."

My next words stun me. "I'm taking Lizzy to her favourite park. She loves the swings there. Why don't you meet us? You said it won't take too long, right?"

"Right but Sid, I don't want to interrupt your time with your daughter."

"It won't be an interruption. She's already met you. Shit, she took refuge in your office."

Mac chuckles. "Ok, if you're sure."

"Yeah" I tell her. "I'll text you the address."

I go back to taking off my gear and Mac leaves the room. I notice that Brooks follows soon after her. That must be who she's meeting with. It's interesting how all of the guys are staying quiet about their 'meetings' with Mac. It's not a secret and we're all doing it but there's this phobia hockey players have talking about their shrinks. We all either have one or have worked with one at some point in our career but we still don't talk about it.

I put practice and everything behind me as I drive home with a smile on my face. I'm going to see my best girl. It's been hard getting a rhythm going with my schedule and being a dad. During training camp, I tried to keep my lives separate so that I had my Lizzy time and my hockey time. As we went through the preseason, I discovered that it didn't completely work and I can spend even more time with her if Lizzy was involved in more hockey related activities. The press is respecting the rules the Penguins established about my daughter; of course they know that they'll be complete cut off from any access to the team if they don't.

"Daddy!" I hear Lizzy call out and run from the back of the house when I enter the door. This never gets old, ever.

I catch her in mid-flight and hug her close.

"Hi princess."

"We're going to the swings" she tells me.

The park has a lot of equipment and grounds but Lizzy loves the swings. I have to pull her off of it to go home most often.

"Yes we are princess, we're going to play on the swings this afternoon."

I carry Lizzy to the kitchen where mom is putting plates on the table for lunch. Dad is pouring drinks for everyone. I kiss mom's cheek and pat dad's shoulder as I move to settle Lizzy in her booster seat.

"How was practice dear?" mom asks me.

"It was good. I think Dan's going to try Tanner on the third line the next game."

"That will get him more minutes for assessment" dad adds.

"Yeah, I think that's the purpose" I reply.

"What did Mac want to discuss with you?" he asks.

I chuckle. "We met but started talking about other things and never got to it. Did you know that her dad was drafted by the Habs?" I ask dad.

"Patrice St. Pierre?"

"Yeah, that's him."

"I think he was two maybe three years ahead of me" dad replies.

"Well, we talked about growing up in Canada, the Habs of course and other things and never got to what she wanted to discuss."

I almost miss the look that mom and dad exchange, almost.

"What?" I ask looking between them.

They glance at each other again and then mom answers "nothing dear."

I don't buy it. "Seriously mom, what?"

She sighs and shrugs. "It's nice to hear you talk about a girl."

Oh God, is that it?

"Mom, first, I'm a grown man with a daughter so I think calling a woman I speak with a 'girl' is a little off base. And I wasn't talking to Mac as a woman. She's our team shrink and we found that we have a lot in common. She's easy to talk to, that's it."

I shrug and go back to focusing on my plate. This is a very uncomfortable conversation and I don't know where mom is trying to go with it.

"Sidney" she begins. "I'm just saying that it's nice that you are having a conversation with a woman who is not part of your friends and family groups. That's it."

I look between her and dad and he nods at her words.

"Ok, sorry" I say.

"No need to be sorry son. Your mother worries about you; it's what she does."

I know that dad is focusing on mom but he isn't saying that he disagrees with her.

"Look, I love you both and I appreciate what you're trying to do but I'm just getting the hang of this" my eyes travel to Lizzy. "Let me get this right first, ok?"

Mom and dad glance at each other again and then mom smiles.

"Ok dear" she replies and we all go back to eating.

"Speaking of Mac, she's going to meet Lizzy and I at the park to talk" I tell them.

Again, they glance at each other and I can't help rolling my eyes.

"Guys, seriously" I tell them.

Both mom and dad chuckle now and, thankfully, Lizzy breaks into the conversation asking to get down.

We finish up lunch and clean up. Lizzy helps of course. She's becoming quite a good helper and mom even has her up on a stool sometimes washing the plastic containers. It's really cute seeing her help out. Usually mom needs to rewash the dishes but it's important that Lizzy has responsibilities to support the family. One of my greatest fears is that she becomes spoiled and takes everything for granted. Cat would hate if that happened.

After the kitchen is cleaned up, I put Lizzy down for her nap and dad and I sit at the kitchen table reviewing foundation material. It's tedious but the foundation does some great work. Besides, it would be embarrassing and simply not right to keep all of this money for myself.

"Last thing is what you want to do for the Centre" dad says.

I decided over the summer to donate something to the Centre that did so much for Cat and Lizzy.

"I talked to the executive director Sid and there are a few things that they need. The thing that I thought you might like the best is building a new wing onto the existing building and dedicating it to Cat. They want to expand their early education program and you could build the wing and fund it too. That would be the investment you were thinking of making although it would require an ongoing contribution for their operating fund."

As soon as dad says 'operating fund' I know my eyes start glazing over. I understand what he's talking about but I find the business side boring.

"Dad, if we can do it through the foundation without taking money from another program then I'm in."

He smiles at me and slaps my shoulder lightly. "I think that is a wonderful way to remember Cat and do some good too."

We finish talking about the details and then I sign a bunch of stuff for various auctions and charities. I've long since stopped asking what I'm signing for because I sign so much. Another great thing about having dad as my business manager is that I know I can trust him implicitly to have my best interests at heart.

By the time I'm finished signing, Lizzy has woken up and is ready for the park. It seems a million years away when I used to go out for lunch with some of the guys after practice and play video games.

On the way to the park, Lizzy tells me all about her new game, Candyland. It looks like we'll be playing it, a lot, in the very near future. At least we don't have to play Hungry, Hungry Hippos anymore although maybe I should learn more about Candyland before I celebrate.

The minute Lizzy is out of the car and her feet are on the ground, she starts to race across the parking lot.

"Lizzy, stop!" I yell.

Thankfully she does and turns around to me with her lower lip sticking out. I desperately try not to chuckle or gather her into my arms.

"Lizzy, what are the rules about getting out of the car?" She stares down at her shoes and doesn't answer. "Lizzy?"

"Stay with daddy" she whispers.

"Yes, you must stay will me. Why do you need to stay with me?"

"Cause I could get hurt" again she says this in a whisper.

"That's right princess. Now hold my hand and we'll walk across the parking lot together, ok?"

Her pout disappears and she takes my hand. As we walk across the lot, Lizzy can't stop talking about Candyland. She can't stop until she sees the swings.

"Swings!" she exclaims.

When we're on the grass, I let go of her hand and say "ok, now you can run."

That's all she needs to take off toward the swing set. Her little legs are pumping as she runs over the uneven grass tripping a couple of times but able to right herself. I jog after her.

"Up daddy" she holds her arms up for me to lift her into the swing.

One of the reasons that I love this park is their creative use of the swing sets. Lizzy is too small to be in an open swing but she feels too big to be in the 'baby' swings. This park has swings that are in the shape of animals which keeps her in safely but doesn't make her feel like she's a 'baby.' It's a big thing for Lizzy these days to be seen as a 'big girl.' It's another reminder that my little girl is growing up which always gives a tug to my heart.

I start to push her the minute she's in the swing. Her giggling makes me laugh too. I know I'm biased but she is so fucking cute. She alternates between singing songs she learned on TV, and that she makes up for herself, and telling me to push faster and go higher. There aren't a lot of families around since it's the afternoon during the week. A few must recognize me because I see the looks and the camera phones but no one interrupts us.

"Someone is certainly enjoying herself" I hear beside me. It's Mac.

"Yeah, she would stay all day if I let her."

"Good thing you're an athlete and have strong arms."

"Yeah. Did you find the place ok?"

"The first thing I did when I moved here was get a GPS. The tunnels and bridges still screw me up. I'm surprised that you come back into the city to go to the park. I would have thought that there were lots of them near Sewickley."

I know that my smile disappears quickly and I feel the sadness creep in when I think of the time we spent here as a family, the three of us. I quickly push it away and reply "it's the one Lizzy likes best." Thankfully Mac doesn't ask more questions.

"This is definitely unorthodox but I appreciate you taking some time for me Sid."

"It seems important."

"I've been thinking a lot about the trip to West Point. Every team does something at the beginning of the year for team building. There are scavenger hunts, trips to sports parks and many other things; but, they all have one thing in common. It's one and done. There are no other activities or check-ins built throughout the season."

"Isn't that because playing, practicing and traveling do the job?"

"Yes and no Sid. They definitely do bring teams closer together, especially the traveling, but you know what happens. Smaller groups of guys will do things together either on the plane or for dinner but you don't do something as a whole team. What if we scheduled some 'check-in' type of activities that involves the whole team? It could be as simple as a full team dinner. During dinner we can talk about what's going on at the time. It's not the coaches having a meeting and talking at you guys or the players having a 'players only' meeting to clear the air. This would be a real opportunity to problem solve or figure out what you need to do as a team."

She pauses for a moment and watches me carefully. It's definitely an interesting idea.

"Daddy? Higher daddy!"

For a moment I forgot about Lizzy and stopped pushing.

"Hi Lizzy" Mac says because Lizzy has noticed that Mac is standing next to me.

"Hi" Lizzy says back. "Higher!"

"Ok, how about I push for a while?"

"Higher, higher" Lizzy claps her hands together excited that she's going to be pushed again.

Mac starts pushing her after I step to the side and then looks back at me.

"What do you think Sid?"

"The dinner part sounds, I don't know, contrived. Don't these things need to happen organically?"

"We could bring in speakers who the guys would respect but we make sure that their topic goes with the particular challenge that the team is having. Think about how this team loses control when getting frustrated. Don't you think Phil Jackson would be a great guest speaker and someone to learn about control from? The Chicago Bulls didn't call their coach the Zen-master for nothing."

It's an interesting idea. A really interesting idea. The guys would love to hear Jackson talk and learn from him but it wouldn't seem forced.

"I like it" I tell her and am treated to a huge grin. I watch as her brown eyes shine with excitement and am struck again with her beauty. The light is hitting her face in a way that shows some of the freckles across her nose and cheeks; they're cute.

"Great! I'm going to take it to Ray and see what he thinks. We could do one a month, maybe when we're on the road and have an evening in a city."

I look at my watch and it's almost five o'clock. It's time to leave.

I step beside the swing and signal for Mac to stop pushing.

"It's time to go princess."

"No!" Lizzy responds predictably.

"Lizzy." I say simply and wait.

"No daddy" she tries the pout again.

"Lizzy."

"Fine" she says and crosses her arms while maintaining her pout.

As soon as she's on the ground, Lizzy runs to Mac and wraps her arms around Mac's legs then sends me another pouty look. I know that I shouldn't but I feel that look stab right in my heart.

"Lizzy, we need to go now. Remember, we're going to have spaghetti for dinner tonight" I tell her. I may not want to give in but I'm not above bribery.

Lizzy looks up at Mac and then back at me.

"Mac come too" my daughter says.

I'm caught off guard for a moment. Lizzy has never taken to someone who isn't family like this before. She seems very comfortable with Mac.

"Lizzy, Mac may have something else to do tonight."

I look at Mac and she looks indecisive about what to say or do. Maybe she is free tonight. It would be nice to have someone else with us at dinner. I like to take Lizzy out once a week to give my parents a break from a family dinner. That's when the park and spaghetti became our weekly outing.

I make a surprising decision and say "if you're free Mac, why don't you come with us?"

She looks surprised but says "ok. I'd enjoy that" she looks down at Lizzy. "And I love spaghetti. Are their meatballs too?"

"Ah huh" Lizzy says and then they both look at me. I guess there's going to be three for dinner tonight.

**_Author's Note: sorry for the tardiness everyone. I had the stomach flu this week and was unable to write. Hope you enjoy ..._**


	8. Chapter 8

We're seated in an alcove which is partially hidden from the restaurant. I've arranged for this table every week and the staff will keep the tables closest to us empty as long as they can. I wondered if I should use the back room like I did when I would bring Cat and Lizzy here but I worry about isolating Lizzy too much. I don't want her to feel like she's in a bubble and can't have any access to the world; however, I also don't want people taking a lot of pictures of my daughter. So far this plan is working.

They have an antipasto on the table for us. Asking a three year old to sit for longer than a couple minutes without food is a recipe for disaster. I learned that the hard way. The owner suggested that we have some food waiting for us to start on. Lizzy loves the marinated vegetables and fresh bread. After we're seated, Mac looks at me and the food on the table quizzically.

"We come here often and usually eat the same thing" I tell her.

Mac smiles and then asks Lizzy "should I have the spaghetti and meatballs too?"

Lizzy grins and replies "yeppers."

I fix a plate for Lizzy to dig into and then hand the platter to Mac. I never thought to ask what she likes before we left the park. She may want something else.

"This looks delicious" Mac says and loads up her plate.

We order dinner when the waiter comes over and then dig back into the antipasto. Mac asks Lizzy questions about the park and her favourite toys. It's really cute to watch Lizzy and Mac have a conversation. I don't often get to simply observe my girl. The psychologist said that socialization is very important for an only child and especially one who has lost a parent. I have her involved in activities but it's also nice to see her talk to an adult one on one who isn't family. Her vocabulary has definitely expanded and she often speaks in full sentences rather than fragments. This is an important developmental stage that could have been stagnated with what's happened. Thankfully that hasn't happened.

"Daddy!"

I'm brought back to the conversation and see Mac and Lizzy looking at me.

"Sorry princess" I tell her.

"We played hippos, a lot" she says.

"Yes we have played hippos" I reply.

Lizzy goes back to focusing on her food and Mac is smiling at me.

"She has a new game that she wants to play" Mac says.

"Yeah, part of me is thrilled to be rid of the hippos but I don't want to become too happy until I see what Candyland is about" I tell her.

"It's much quieter."

"That's a good thing."

Mac smiles and tilts her head. That's when it finally hits me.

"It was at Canada House the day before the quarterfinals" I say almost without realizing it.

"What was Sid?"

"We met at the Vancouver Olympics in Canada House the day before our quarterfinals and two days before your gold medal game."

Mac smiles. "Yeah we did."

"I'm sorry that I didn't remember before now."

I feel like an idiot. How could I not remember her? I feel even worse that she didn't say anything and may have felt uncomfortable because I didn't remember.

"It's ok Sid. There were a lot of people around you most of the time. Besides, I was with a few of the girls."

Maybe she's right but it isn't like me to not remember.

"If you're trying to remember Sid, you were spending quite a bit of time with Tessa Bonhomme."

Oh. Now I remember that night at Canada House and I definitely remember Tessa. It was only a one-time thing but I was definitely focused on her when I wasn't focused on hockey in Vancouver.

"You can stop looking embarrassed Sid."

I manage to meet her eyes and can only manage a shrug which makes Mac laugh. Now I'm sure I've turned a few more shades of red.

"Anyway" she continues "that's why you may not remember meeting me."

"I guess I was, well, a little preoccupied" I admit.

"I would think that the main thing occupying your mind was the pressure to win gold on home soil."

"You guys had the same thing" I tell her.

"Don't kid yourself Sid. We had pressure, sure, but it was nothing compared to the men's games. You guys were recognized everywhere you went and everyone wanted to interview you, take pictures and ask you to sign stuff. We were followed because we're Canadian and played hockey. Only Wicks was really recognizable."

"I guess" I reply. That makes me wonder. "It was probably unfair to you guys. Your games were incredible and you didn't get nearly the recognition that you should have."

"That may be true Sid but it's understandable. We certainly felt the love from everyone when we won the gold."

I smile at her again; I seem to spend a lot of my time with her smiling.

Our dinner arrives and I make sure that Lizzy's sleeves are pulled up before she digs into her spaghetti. I think mom is tired of trying to get red sauce stains out of Lizzy's clothes when we come here for dinner.

"Ok, I'm definitely going to play in the coach's game tomorrow. I'll have to work off all of the carbs."

"I watched some of the last one" I admit to her.

"I noticed a few guys watching. You were with them?"

"Yeah, I couldn't find anyone in the locker room so I went looking. The guys definitely appreciate you more."

"Why? Because I can play hockey?"

"They knew that you could play, some have even seen you play, but it's different seeing it close up. Plus you smoked Dan when he was on a breakaway."

"Is that all it takes? I would have picked Dan's pocket earlier if I knew that."

"Taste daddy" Lizzy says.

I look over and she's holding a piece of her meatball on her fork up to me. We play this game often; sharing each other's food.

"Thank you" I say and take the bite she offered. In turn, I cut a small piece of my steak for her.

"Yummy" she says, right on cue and then giggles. I can't help but laugh back. She picks up another piece of meatball and holds it up to Mac. I'm about to tell Lizzy not to when Mac leans in and takes the offered bite. Without missing a beat, Mac picks up a small piece of her own meatball and holds it out to Lizzy.

"Yummy" Lizzy says again and goes back to her own plate.

"She has a warm and giving spirit Sid" Mac says softly.

I look at Mac and see that she's smiling at me. I can't help looking back at my daughter and I know that Mac's right.

"She's her mom" I say softly not even realizing that I'm speaking out loud.

I feel Mac's hand cover my own on the table and glance back at her. She doesn't say anything, doesn't even move further, she leaves her hand steady on mine for a few moments before going back to her own meal. How does she know what to do? How does she know when not to say anything? And why do I feel more comfort from that simple and small gesture than anything else I've done or experienced?

The silence is comfortable but doesn't last long. It never lasts long with Lizzy.

"Do you like Grover?" Lizzy asks Mac.

Mac frowns for a moment like she's trying to figure out who Grover is and before I can tell her, she says "from Sesame Street?"

Lizzy nods.

"I love Grover. But my favourite, my absolutely favourite, is the Cookie Monster" Mac tells her.

The two of them debate Grover versus Cookie Monster while we finish our meals. While we're having dessert, Mac and I talk more about our families.

"Was it your mom or dad who took you to practice?" Mac asks me.

"Usually it was my dad but mom took her turns too. How about you?"

"My dad always took me. He wanted to make sure that the coaches were doing their best with me. Then he wanted to coach me himself on the drive home. We always broke down the game or practice and talked about where I needed to focus or practice more."

Mac says this in an off-handed way but it makes me wonder. I'm starting to get a picture of her dad and I'm not sure I like who she's describing. I've seen those kinds of dads; they pressure their kids all the time to do more and better. Usually, it doesn't end as well as it did for Mac. Not every kid plays for their country and wins a gold medal. It really makes me wonder about how she handled it.

"My mom would come to my games" she continues. "She would always sit way up in the stands because she would yell at the refs and didn't want them to hear her. Mom got right into the games."

"My mommy is in heaven" Lizzy says.

Both Mac and I look at Lizzy. I don't know what to do or say. Lizzy has never talked about Cat with anyone outside of the family before and she has certainly never said it so matter-of-fact like. I really don't know what to say or do.

"Yes she is sweetie" Mac says. "But you know that she still loves you very much and she would be here if she could."

"Yep" Lizzy replies. "Grandma says God brought daddy into our lives so that I wouldn't be a orpin."

I can't believe that my mom would have said that to Lizzy so she must have overheard mom talking to someone else. It's actually the same thing that I've thought more than once or twice.

"An orphan?" Mac asks.

"Yep" Lizzy replies and keeps on eating.

I look at Mac feeling very helpless. Mac mouths 'she's ok' to me and drinks more of her wine.

I look at Lizzy and I know that Mac is right. Lizzy is a happy child and, although she would definitely be better with her mother, she is doing well. I guess it's natural to worry but I didn't realize that I'd be worried all the time. Duper says it's part of being a parent; you worry. If that's true, than I must be a really great parent.

* * *

Sid looks so lost suddenly. It can't be easy for him to hear Lizzy talk about her mom being in heaven. It's actually a good sign of the natural grieving process that Lizzy has processed the loss enough to know her mother is gone and isn't coming back. She's clearly secure with her family and herself and is a gorgeous, bright and happy little girl. Sid's worry simply says that he's a good dad even if he is a very new one.

Sid picks up the cheque and gives me a look that clearly says 'seriously?' when I reach for my wallet. I thought that he was going to buy dinner but didn't want to make any assumptions. It's not like this is a date. While we're waiting for the waiter to come back with the credit card machine, Lizzy announces that she has to pee. Sid starts to get up, I'm sure he's done this many times before, but I decide to help out.

"I'll take her" I tell Sid. I turn to Lizzy and ask "Can I come with you? I have to pee too."

Lizzy looks at her dad who nods and then she smiles at me so I help her out of her booster seat and we head off to the washroom. Lizzy takes my hand in a very natural way that is sweet. I notice again how small she is for a three year old. Her mom must have been very petite.

Once inside of the washroom, I take Lizzy into the biggest stall so that I have room to help her.

"You know, I'm a big girl" she tells me.

"I can tell you are. Thank you for coming with me to keep me company. I don't like going to the washroom alone."

Lizzy is able to pull down her pants and underwear but I have to help her up on the toilet. When she's finished, I flush and notice that Lizzy is waiting for me. I guess she peed in front of me so now it's my turn. I pull down my own pants and do my business. It is very, very sweet when Lizzy gathers the toilet paper and hands it to me. She chatters on as we wash up and head out to go back to Sid.

"All done?" Sid asks us.

"Yeppers" Lizzy tells him and abandons my hand for Sid's.

We all head outside and Sid's car is waiting there for him. He helps Lizzy into the back and her car seat.

"Say goodnight to Mac" he tells her.

"Good night Mac" Lizzy says in her singsong voice.

"Good night Lizzy" I reply and then Sid shuts the door.

"Where is your car?" he asks me.

"I'm parked on the street around the corner" I tell him.

"Get in and I'll drive you."

Before I can respond to him, he's opened the passenger door for me so I climb in. I tell him where my car is and he drives that short way.

"Thanks Sid, bye Lizzy" I tell them and jump out of the car.

I wave to Lizzy as they drive off and watch as she waves back. What a cutie.

After getting into my car, I check my phone before driving off. I notice that Mike called and there's a message.

"Hey Mac" his voice says. "I was wondering what you are up to tonight. Guess you are out or busy. Give me a call when you get a chance."

I can't help but smile and think how different my evening would have been if I'd gone out with Mike rather than Sid and Lizzy. Of course Sid wasn't a date; but, I don't know if Mike would have been one either. I decide to call him back.

"Hey Mac" he answers.

"Hi Mike, what have you been up to tonight?" I ask him.

"Just sat down to watch the Philly and Rangers game. We'll be playing the Rangers in a few days so I like to do a little scouting."

"Scouting?" I ask. "Or are you just a rink rat?"

"Ha. Very funny. What have you been up to?"

I should have thought this through before I called Mike. What do I tell him? The truth I guess.

"I was talking with Sid about an idea I have and he asked if I wanted to join him and Lizzy for dinner."

Mike is quiet for a few moments. Oh oh.

"It was cute" I continue. "Lizzy was very excited that I love spaghetti and meatballs as much as she does."

"She really is cute" Mike says.

"Yeah, I met her a few days ago when she was at Consol. She made a breakaway from the Crosbys and hid in my office."

"Yeah, that sounds like her. She's a handful but in a good way."

"Yeah" I agree.

We're both quiet for a moment and I'm about to say goodbye when Mike says "do you want to stop by my place on your way home? You can watch some of the game with me."

Ok, this doesn't sound like a friend thing. What the hell?

"Sounds great" I tell him.

He gives me directions and he's actually close by. It doesn't take me long to get to his building and I know where I'm going since it's close to where I'm living. When I get off the elevator at Mike's floor, he's in front of his apartment to show me where he is. I know that I'm smiling. I didn't really want to just go home and I don't have any friends here yet. It will be nice not to be alone and Mike is a great guy.

"Hi" Mike says when I approach and he kisses my cheek before backing up to let me into his apartment. It's very masculine as I expected and I can hear the game on in the living room. Mike leads me in.

"Do you want a glass of wine, a beer?" he asks.

I see that he's having a beer so I say "a beer sounds great." I settle on the sofa to wait for him.

He comes out with a bottle and a glass.

"Thanks" I tell him. "I don't need a glass."

Mike settles beside me and we both turn our attention to the game.

"It's going to be an interesting year for the Rangers. A crucial one for their forwards" I tell Mike.

"Yeah, they've got a lot of talent that needs to produce. Of course, we do too."

"I don't think 'a lot of talent' accurately describes the two best players in the world" I reply.

"Usually people add the word 'arguably' when they make that statement."

"Don't you agree that Sid and Geno are the best?" I ask.

"Oh, I do but most aren't willing to say it so strongly."

I laugh. "Well, I'm new so I guess I can blame ignorance for now."

"What's your new idea?" Mike asks.

"What new idea?"

"The one you wanted to talk to Sid about."

"Oh, yeah, I'm thinking about what we can do off the ice to work on some of the discipline issues that this team has when frustrated. It's all in your head so it can't be solved on the ice."

Mike is quiet now. He probably doesn't agree although I'm not surprised.

"It makes sense" he says. I'm the one who is surprised. Mike looks at me and says "you didn't expect that, did you?"

"No" I admit. "I really didn't but I'm pleased that you're in. The coaches will be involved too."

"Maybe I'm not that supportive anymore."

"Too late, you agreed" I tease back with a smile and a wink.

I know it's going to happen before it does. Mike smiles, cups my cheek and leans in to kiss me. His lips touch mine softly at first and then more firmly. I feel a slight shiver in response to his touch. It's not strong but it's certainly there. Mike is a great guy and a lot of fun but I'm left wondering if there's more than that between us. Our lips explore each other for a few moments before Mike leans back slightly to look at me. I offer him a smile and then turn back to the game. I need to think about this, really think about this, before I go any further. I do lean back into Mike's arm as we go back to watching the game.

When the game is over, I tell Mike that I really need to head home and he walks me to the door. When I turn to him, Mike pulls me into his arms and kisses me again. This time it is firmer and more insistent. I encircle his shoulders with my arms and give in to his lips. I feel that shiver again as Mike presses his hard body against mine. He obviously doesn't just watch the players work out. He has to work out a lot himself.

I pull back and say "goodnight" then head out of his apartment and down the hall.

It doesn't take me long to drive home and I immediately go to my bedroom to get ready for bed. It's been a long but good day. I check my phone before turning out the light and there are two text messages. One is from Mike.

'Did you get home ok?'

'Yeah thanks' I text back.

'Good night' he says

'Good night'

When I look at the other text I see that it's from Sid.

'Thanks for being so great with Lizzy'

'No thanks needed, she's great Sid'

A few seconds go by before he texts back.

'Did you get home ok? '

I look at the time of his first text and it was three hours ago. He must be wondering why it took so long to get back to him. This is tricky. I decide to be honest with him just like I was with Mike. It's not like I'm dating either of them. Sid is a player who is a nice guy and could even become a friend. And Mike is, well, that's harder to define right now.

'Yeah, I stopped by Kadar's place to watch the Rangers/Philly game'

There's nothing from Sid for a few moments that becomes a few minutes. Oh oh.

'It was a good game' he texts back.

'Yeah' is all I say.

'Good night' he texts.

'Good night'

I put the phone on the dresser, turn out the light and settle under the covers. Why do I feel like I'm cheating on Sid with Mike?


	9. Chapter 9

"Oh that's so cute" Mac tells me when I hand her a picture that Lizzy drew for her.

After our dinner the other night, Lizzy has been talking about Mac a lot and when she made a picture at day care, she was insistent that I give it to Mac.

"She really wanted me to give it to you" I tell her. "she came home and said that I had to bring it to you."

"It's great Sid. This is her and me clearly. Is that a pile of spaghetti and meatballs?"

I feel a lot of pride that Mac is able to determine what Lizzy drew for her. It's a little too abstract to be easy to discern but it is very clever for a three year old.

"Yeah it is" I reply.

"She's so clever Sid. This is really, really beautiful."

I watch Mac pin it to the board over her desk. I knew that she would appreciate what Lizzy did for her since they were so natural together over dinner. It's really great that Mac's putting it up where she can always see it.

"Let me know when she comes in again Sid. I want to thank her for the picture. Want to sit for a few minutes?"

I look at my watch and I have some time.

"Sure."

We each choose one of the comfortable chairs that she has in her office.

"When was the last time that you guys played the Oilers?" she asks.

"Almost two years. With the lockout last year, we didn't play anyone outside of our division."

"They're going to be a good team in a few years and really hard to beat."

"Yeah. Hey, have you talked to Ray and Dan about your idea for the team building during the season?" I ask.

"I did and they are both on board. I'm looking at our common themes for this year and who we can bring in. We're going to do it on the road like you and I talked about."

"Who's first?"

"I know that I was just throwing names out when we talked but we're talking to Phil Jackson's people. I started thinking about it after I mentioned it to you and it makes sense."

"That would definitely get buy in from the guys up front. He's a legendary coach for any sport."

I know that I should start getting ready for practice but I don't want to leave Mac's office. It's comfortable talking with her and even being with her.

"Are you still meeting with the guys?" I ask to draw out our conversation.

"I've talked once with everyone on the regular roster. Now I'll do follow ups and some have said that they want to talk again."

"Oh yeah, who?"

Mac simply arches her brow.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked Mac."

"I'm thinking of doing something for the call ups from WBS. I heard that you talk to the new guys when their called up. What do you talk to them about Sid?"

"Nothing really" I reply.

There's that brow again. "I hear that it's much more than 'nothing really' Sid."

"I just make sure that they feel ready and give them some tips for the NHL. Some have the experience and some don't so it changes depending on who is brought up."

"You have really grown into the captain's role, haven't you?"

"What do you mean?" I ask a little confused.

"Everyone has heard the stories Sid. They wanted you to be captain the year that Mario last played but you said no. You didn't think you were ready and didn't want to disrupt the team during the season. The next year, you became the youngest captain in history. It's impressive that you were able to recognize that it wasn't the right time for you or the team the first time that they asked."

"No one knows the real story" I say.

I've never told anyone what really happened then and I'm a little surprised that I've brought it up now. Mac sits silently waiting.

"Ray and Therrien approached me about becoming captain and I was thrilled. I was immediately going to say yes but I always talked to my dad about things before I do it. I was only nineteen and it was only my second year in the league. My dad advised me not to do it. Even though I was doing so well and contributing to the team, dad thought that I hadn't earned it yet with the team. He convinced me that waiting until the next year was best."

Mac doesn't look surprised which surprises me.

"You're not surprised" I say.

"No, I'm not. I may still be getting to know you Sid but I see how close your family is and how much influence your parents have both had on you. It's because of their influence that you have been able to handle everything that's been thrown at you during your career. Either through advice like this situation or the way they raised you to become the man you are."

Hmm, I never thought about it that way. To say that Mac is insightful is an underestimate for sure.

"Dad was right and I'm glad that I waited."

Mac smiles at me and looks like she's going to say something when there's a knock on her door even though it's open.

"Am I interrupting?" Kadar asks.

I get up and head out.

"Not at all Kades. Thanks Mac" I tell her and head out down the hall.

Mac's laughter follows me down the hall as she and Kadar talk. I remember that dinner they had after our first game and then she told me that she went to his house after dinner with Lizzy and me. Is she dating Kadar? I guess they can both do whatever they want. There's no rule against dating among the staff. They don't want staff and players involved but that's never been a problem as long as I've been here.

"Sid, you coming to lunch after practice?" I hear Bortz shout from the lounge.

"Sure" I yell back and head to the change room. I'm able to get ready and out on the ice before anyone else. I love this time on the ice. It's almost like you're alone in the rink and you can hear the blades against the ice with every stride. I take a few shots at the net more to hear the slap of my stick against the puck echo in the empty rink. This is where I find peace. I wondered if I was ever going to feel that again after everything that happened at the end of last season. The first time I was back on the ice during the summer, I deliberately brought Lizzy with me. Her laughter, her calling me daddy, did a lot to help me. It helped me find the joy in skating again. When my dad bought her a stick, Lizzy only wanted to shoot pucks into the net and even had me play goalie for her. She's becoming a great skater. Lizzy may never play hockey but I'm glad that she's comfortable and likes the ice.

Slowly, the rest of the guys come onto the ice and Dan starts practice. It's fast pace and energetic as practices usually are when we're winning. If we aren't winning then they take a more business like attitude. I notice that Mike and Mac are standing near the bench watching.

"I think Kades and our shrink have been having their own sessions" I hear Bortz say to Paulie.

"Yeah, good for Kades. It's nice to see him end the drought" Paulie replies.

It bothers me to hear the guys talk about Mac that way. She's not just some puck bunny and they shouldn't be talking about her that way. It doesn't seem right but I don't interrupt them. I know that I'd hear about it forever. Skating away is the best course of action.

* * *

I'm running late. I'm running very, very late. Mike will be here in five minutes to pick me up and I haven't figured out what to wear. I had a great talk with Marc-Andre that ran longer then intended which put me far behind schedule to get ready. Mike did say to dress casual so I grab a pair of jeans and a sweater. I managed to shower and put on some makeup at least. My default 'hair in a pony' made the hair part easy. Hmm, this sweater actually makes me look like I have breasts. The buzzer sounds so I run to the door.

"Mike?"

"Yep" he responds.

"Ok, I'm coming down."

I grab my purse and a light jacket before running out the door. I'm surprised to see Mike in the lobby when the elevator doors open. He gives me a bright smile which I return.

"Hi" I say when I enter the lobby.

"Hi back" he replies and kisses me lightly.

Ok, I guess we are dating.

Mike leads me out to his car, opens the door and then gets in himself. When he's inside, he turns to me.

"Are you hungry for dinner first or up for a little fun first?"

Intrigued, I say "let's have some fun first."

Mike smiles and drives. We talk about Pittsburgh and all of the things to do. It really is a great city with great people and lots to do if you look for it.

When Mike pulls up to an outdoor sports park, I have to smile. It's perfect.

After parking, we walk to the entrance and Mike asks "driving range or batting cages?"

"I have to admit that I hate golf" I tell him. "How about the batting cages?"

Mike gets us some tokens and aluminum and wood bats before we head off to our cage.

"Wood or aluminum?" he asks me.

"Has to be wood. I'm a purist" I tell him and take the bat.

"Ladies first" Mike gestures for me to go to the plate and he sets up the token machine. "Ready?"

"Yep, I'm ready" I reply.

It takes me two swings an misses but then muscle memory takes over. Dad let me play baseball in the off season because it kept me active. I still skated of course.

I get into a rhythm and consistently connect with what would be home runs if we in a park.

"Hey, we should get you out to PNC Park to hit a few" Mike says when I'm done. "You're good, really good."

"Thanks" I hand the bat to him. "Your turn."

Mike laughs and sets himself up at the plate while I set up the tokens. He misses the first one and I see him refocus more carefully. The second one fouls. The third one connects solidly as does the next and then the next. If we were keeping track, and we're both uber competitive so we are, then we'd be tied.

"You're up again" he tells me and gives me back the bat. "Should we try a variety of pitches now?"

I nod. I figured that the first round was simple, fast ball strikes.

The first one drops at the last minute and I catch a small piece of it. Again the ball comes at me and I'm only able to catch a piece.

"Drop your shoulder" Mike says so I do.

Home run! Or it would be if we were actually in a park. Damn, I miss the next couple and then my turn is done. I move to leave the box but Mike comes in behind me. He steps directly behind me with one hand on my shoulder and one on my hip.

"Keep this shoulder down and twist slightly this way" he tells me.

I feel his breath at my ear and a shiver goes down my spine. I turn my head slightly so that I can look in Mike's eyes.

"That's all I have to do, huh?" I tell him with a small smile.

I'm not sure if he's going to kiss me or say something but I don't get a chance to find out when I hear "Kades!"

We move apart like kids caught by our parents. When I turn, I see Robert, Beau, Paul and Sid; of course Sid is with them. I wonder why I care.

"Hi guys" Mike replies.

Before I can figure out what's happening, Mike and I are sharing our cage and there's a competition going on.

"Sorry if we interrupted your date" I hear Sid say in a low voice beside me as Paul is chirped by the other guys when he's at bat.

I simply shrug. "No problem. It isn't your fault."

"Bortz is clueless" he tells me and we both laugh. "He didn't even notice."

Again I shrug. This is uncomfortable for some reason.

"So you and Kades, huh?" Sid says.

I glance at him but can't read the expression on his face. It looks like the carefully practiced expression he uses with the media when he doesn't want them to know what he's thinking or feeling.

"This is actually our first time on a date" I tell Sid. It's mostly true. The last time I stopped by Mike's apartment so it wasn't really a date and our first dinner was as friends.

"Is that so" Sid says with a smirk on his face this time.

"Yeah, that's so" I reply and punch his shoulder.

I'm pushed against the cage and Robert says "hey, that's our captain."

Before I can say anything, Paul says "you touch Crosby, you get Bortz."

All of the guys laugh at him with Robert laughing the loudest and turns his head to look at Paul. In a split second, I calculate distance and the element of surprise. I'm on Robert quickly, stunning him for a moment which gives me time to push him and yank his shirt over his head like it's a jersey and we're on the ice.

I duck out of the way and watch Robert right his clothing while the guys chirp and laugh. Sid is laughing so hard that it becomes a giggle-fest which starts me laughing too. It really is funny.

"Ok, ok, I deserved that but you better watch your back Mac. You never know when or where it will happen but I settle scores" Robert says.

We go back to our game and Mike takes his place in the box while the guys chirp him. I don't know if we're really playing to win or to see who can distract the guy at the plate more. Mike hits the first one out of the park, or would be, and the guys laugh, cheer and chirp all at the same time. The next pitch is ready and Mike takes his stance again.

I can't help my eyes from wandering over Mike's shoulders, down his back and over his fine ass. Even after all of the years out of the league, Mike has kept his perfect hockey ass. When he swings, his muscles ripple and then flex when the bat connects with the ball. It is a sight to watch.

"A little drool on your chin" Sid says to me.

I glare at him. "Funny, Crosby, funny."

"You're turn Sid" Mike calls, hands him the bat and walks over to stand beside me.

"I'm sorry these guys interrupted us. I can get rid of them if you want" Mike says softly to me.

His hand rests on the small of my back when he leans in to talk to me.

"It's ok Mike. The guys are a lot of fun. Besides, you couldn't have known that they would be here too" I reply.

"Well, when this game is over, why don't we say goodbye and get something to eat."

I nod and turn my attention back to Sid at the plate. I can't help noticing how broad his shoulders are and muscled as they bunch. He clenches as he readies for the pitch. When he leans in, I watch his jeans strain over his ass. Making the comparison between Mike and Sid is natural I guess. Is it wrong that I notice how much better Sid looks?

My thoughts are interrupted when Mike pulls me slightly back so that I'm against his body. Did he notice that I was watching Sid? I hope not.

We finish the game, our team loses which means we need to buy the beer. Of course that means that we're all going out for dinner together; so much for dinner alone. As they're deciding where we're going, I glance over at Sid and he's smiling at me. What's that about?


	10. Chapter 10

Dinner was a lot of fun. Part of me felt bad because we had clearly interrupted Mac and Mike's date. Part of me was having too much fun to care. I also wanted to see them together. It might have been my imagination but I thought that Mac was watching me keenly when it was my turn at bat. It's been a long time so maybe I really did imagine it.

Maybe that's why I made sure that I sat next to Mac at dinner. Mike was on her other side of course. It could have been awkward but Bortz had us laughing the whole time. When Mike was engrossed in arguing with Paulie, I leaned in to whisper to Mac.

"It looks like we have continued our interruption of your date."

Mac turns slightly to look at me and says "and yet you don't look sorry."

"I didn't say that I was" I reply. "I was simply making an observation."

Mac chuckles. "Fine, observation noted. I was surprised to see you out tonight."

I know she's referring to Lizzy. "My parents and I each take one night alone. It's our way of giving each other space and having personal time. Tonight they've taken Lizzy to a movie so I came out with the guys."

"Oh" she says with mischief in her eyes. "I'm one of the guys now?"

I look into her eyes and it's on the tip of my tongue to tell her that she's hardly one of the guys. I'll never know what I would have said because we're drawn back into the group. They've decided that we're going to Paulie's house to watch the Chicago game. Mike tries to beg off but Mac tells him that it will be fun. Interesting.

It doesn't take any of us long to get to Paulie's house and settle in his screening room. He has a massive TV on one wall and comfortable sofas placed for perfect viewing. It's great to play video games too. I find myself glancing at Mike and Mac often. They're not exactly cozy together on the sofa but Mike has his arm around her and I watch his hand play over her pony tail. Mac turns and smiles at him and I look away. It feels like I'm invading their privacy even though we're all in the same room. I focus back on the TV and see Crawford make a sick save. That begins the argument of how he can be beaten and where to place to puck in the net. When we've wound down, I notice that Mac has left the room. I ask if anyone wants anything and then head up to the kitchen to get more drinks. I see Mac at the dining room window off the kitchen looking out at the back yard. The soft light is playing over her features and there is a wistful smile on her face. It's easy to know what Mike sees in her. She's not an obvious beauty but she is beautiful. So different from my Cat. Wow, where did that come from? I give my head a shake and walk further into the kitchen so that Mac notices me.

"Did the period end?" she asks me.

"Almost. I came up to get more" I tell her and hold up my empty glass.

Mac smiles and tilts her head.

"When are you going to admit that we completely destroyed your date?" I ask her.

She chuckles and answers "ok, fine, you completely destroyed our date."

We both start laughing at the same time. I go to the fridge and Mac comes into the kitchen. I pull out water, pop and beer for the guys and then give Mac one of the bottles of water.

"Thanks" she replies.

"You're welcome. I really am sorry that we interrupted your date. I guess we're not used to having a woman as part of the team or seeing Mike date."

"Surely Mike dates" she says.

"I guess, but not regularly or seriously. The season is usually very full and focused on the team."

"Hmm" is all she says.

"What do you mean 'hmm'?" I ask.

"Nothing" she shrugs her shoulders. "I guess it makes sense but I would have thought he'd be married or something."

"He broke up with a long-time girlfriend about a year ago" I tell her. "I don't know what happened."

"Sorry Sid, I'm not trying to pry."

"Didn't think you were. What about you?"

"What do you mean, 'what about me'?"

"When was your last relationship?" Fuck, why did I ask her that?

She looks surprised but says "two years ago. I met a guy at the Olympics, luge athlete, and we dated for a few years. We just grew apart. There was a lot of travel and living in different cities." She pauses for a minute before continuing. "Yeah, that's a crock of shit. If we wanted it to work then we would have made it work, right? A lot do the long distance thing so I guess we didn't want it badly enough."

She seems sad suddenly. I haven't seen Mac sad since I've met her. She looks a little lost too. I find myself cupping her shoulder and she looks up at me with a small smile.

"Thanks" she says. "I'm ok. It's just weird, you know, to realize that it's been two years since I've been in a relationship."

This immediately makes me think of Cat. I'm technically single now when, after meeting Cat, I never thought that I'd be single ever again. How incredibly different my life is now and yet I'm still alone.

"I'm sorry Sid. That was thoughtless of me."

Mac looks sympathetic and worried. I keep forgetting how empathetic she is.

"It's ok Mac. Sometimes I just go back there, you know?"

"Of course Sid, that's normal, really. It probably happens at unexpected moments too. When you least expect it."

"Yeah" I reply softly. How does she understand so well? It can't only be because she's a shrink. She knows me. Somehow she really knows me.

Mac places a hand on my arm and I feel the warmth of her touch radiate through me. Its comfort, definitely, and something else. Instinctively, I cover her hand with my own. We don't speak, not a word, but I can feel a deep connection between us.

"Sid, where's the beer" I hear Bortz yell from downstairs.

Mac and I jump back from each other like we've been caught doing something we shouldn't. She grabs the water bottles and heads back to the screening room. I take the remaining drinks and follow her. As I enter the room, I watch Mike pull her down to sofa beside him, pull her under his arm and to his side. I hand out the drinks and sit down to watch the next period. I'm distracted thinking back to my short conversation with Mac and the moment we shared. It wasn't sexual but it was intimate and very personal.

When the game ends, I say goodbye to everyone and head directly home. The unsettled feeling won't leave me and I can't say why. I only know that I don't want to watch Mac and Mike snuggle together on the sofa any more.

* * *

At first I was very annoyed that our entire date was hijacked by the guys; but, it was actually a lot of fun and helped me get to know some of them better. I'm still worried about dating Mike and the effect on the team. I'm here to do a job and that can't be disrupted because I'm dating someone in the organization. If tonight is any indication of how the players are reacting then it might be ok. There wasn't any weirdness during any part of the night.

"You're quiet" Mike says as we drive home.

I turn and smile at him. "I guess I am."

"Any particular reason?" he asks.

"I was just thinking back over the evening. The guys seemed ok that you are I were on a date."

"Are you worried about that Mac, what the guys think?"

"Only that I don't want our dating to interfere with the job I have to do."

"What if it did?"

I can hear concern and apprehension in his voice so I take his hand in mine.

"It isn't, so we don't have to go there, ok?" I say.

His hand tightens in mine.

"Ok." Mike replies and sounds relieved.

When we get to my apartment, Mike rushes around to open my door. I love when he does that kind of stuff. He takes my hand to help me out and then continues to hold it as we walk to the door. It's not very late so I ask if he wants to come upstairs. Mike smiles and agrees.

When we get into my apartment, Mike looks around and says "nice."

"Thanks, I haven't done that much to it yet. I moved in and started work the next day so I'm slowly unpacking and decorating."

"It takes time" Mike says and follows me into the kitchen.

"Would you like some wine? Coffee?" I ask.

"Wine would be nice."

I pour us each a glass and we take it into the living room where I turn on the TV. There's a late game out west with the Kings playing Anaheim.

When we settle on the sofa, Mike pulls me close to his side and I slide my hand over his thigh. I was careful not to be too touchy when we were at Paul's house. It's one thing for the guys to be ok that I'm dating Mike but I still want to be seen as professional.

"Bortz said that he wants a rematch" Mike says.

"He doesn't like losing, does he?"

"Have you ever known an athlete who did?"

That makes me chuckle. "No, I guess you're right."

I feel Mike's hand run over my pony tail and then lightly brush the nape of my neck. A small shiver runs down my spine and I know he can feel it. When I feel his lips at my ear, I tilt my head slightly to give him better access. He doesn't waste it. His lips travel over my ear lobe and down my neck. His free hand reaches up, cups my cheek and turns my head so that his lips can find mine. There is no gentleness this time. His tongue parts my lips and dives inside to play over mine. We each parry and joust, discovering what please the other and in turn ourselves. Mike pulls me closer but it's too awkward so I shift and he easily pulls me onto his lap.

I'm again reminded that he takes advantage of the world class gym at Consol. His hard body presses against me and I feel the muscles taut at his shoulders as I run my fingers over them. I shift again so that I'm straddling Mike and facing him directly. I circle his neck with my hands and tilt my head slightly to give us each better access to each other's mouth. Mikes hands trail down from my shoulders, over the small of my back and then to cup each of my hips and pull me even closer. I fell that he's getting hard and then my own response as I instinctively grind against him.

Mike moans and that's when it hits me. I need to decide that either he's going to stay or we need to stop this now. I don't want to lead him on but I'm definitely enjoying myself. Maybe I can wait a little longer. Throwing myself back into the moment, I push everything else out of my mind and simply feel. It's been way too long and my body knows it. Mike's lips leave mine and travel over my jaw and down my neck. I feel one of his hands slide over my waist and up my rib cage until his thumb plays over my nipple. It puckers instantly for him; it's definitely been a long time. I haven't felt a connection with a guy in a while to want this; and that's when my mind betrays me. I'm brought back to the kitchen earlier this evening when Sid shared his pain with me. When I touched his arm and then his hand covered mine, the connection was instant and intense. It wasn't sexual but a deeper, emotional connection that took me completely by surprise. It seemed to take Sid by surprise too.

"Where did you go?" Mike asks.

That's when I realize that Mike's pulled back and is looking at me questioning. Well, I can't answer his question truthfully. Instead, I slide off of his lap and sit beside him.

"I'm sorry" I tell him.

Mike cups my cheek so that I look at him.

"There's nothing to apologize for Mac. Is something wrong?"

I feel incredibly guilty. He sounds concerned and worried. At least I can fix that, I hope.

"There's nothing wrong Mike" I tell him. "Absolutely nothing." I lean in and kiss his lips lightly. "I think maybe we should slow down a little, ok?"

I run my fingers over his cheek until he smiles.

"Ok, if you're sure."

"Sure of what?" I respond with a wink.

Mike laughs, as I hoped he would, and pulls me back beside him to watch the game. It takes all of my willpower not to breathe a sigh of relief. There's no way in hell that I can tell Mike I disappeared into my own thoughts about the Pens captain. God.

When the game ends, Mike gets up and takes me with him while he walks to the door. We kiss a few more times but stop short of it becoming as intense as earlier. After the door closes, I lean my head against it and take a few deep breaths. Did I think earlier that this is getting tricky? It might become more than that, much more.

Later, my phone goes off as I'm getting into bed. It's Mike.

'Good night' he texts.

'Good night'

"Next time, let's have a date without an audience'

He makes me chuckle.

'I think we still did alright' I text back.

'I'd say. Just got out of a cold shower'

Now I really laugh.

'Good night!' I respond.

'Night, sleep tight.'

I turn off the light and am placing the phone on the nightstand when it goes off again. Anticipating what Mike might say next, I'm surprised when I read that it's a text from Sid.

'You still awake?' he asks.

'Yeah'

'I'm sorry if it got weird earlier' he tells me and I know he means our interaction in the kitchen.

'It's ok Sid, it didn't get weird'

'Ok' is all he texts.

Now it feels weird.

'Are you ok?' I ask him.

He doesn't text back directly which starts me wondering.

Finally he texts 'yeah, I'm ok'

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah Mac, I'm fine. Good night'

'Good night' I text back and then put my phone down.

Unfortunately, I can't settle my mind enough to sleep. I don't think of Sid sexually. Of course I can appreciate how hot he is, he's a professional athlete, but I don't look at him as someone to date even if we could. What's disconcerting is this immediate and intense connection that we have. It's like I can sense his moods and how he's feeling without Sid even saying a word. I've never felt that way with another human being before. It's unsettling to say the least. Of course it's even more unsettling when I know that I don't feel that same about Mike. Is it even fair to compare them? Sid is out of bounds for so many reasons, not that it's even a possibility we feel 'that way' about each other. Mike is … there I go comparing them again. It's not fair and it's not right. Mike and I aren't in a relationship, we aren't even dating, so why am I so ambivalent. Maybe ambivalent isn't the right word. I definitely feel something for Mike; especially when we were on the sofa together earlier.

My phone buzzes again. It's Sid.

'You still awake?' he asks.

'Yeah'

'Are you alone?'

Did he seriously just ask me that?

'Yes!' I reply.

'Didn't want to interrupt something'

'Like you guys did earlier'

'Ok, I deserved that. So Mike struck out?'

'Sid!' is all I text again.

'Ok, fine, none of my business'

'No, it's not'

'Fine, you ready for the road trip tomorrow?'

'Not in the least. Haven't even packed.'

'You must be used to packing, it won't take long'

'No, it won't. I do need to stop at Consol before practice'

'Why?' he asks.

'I was running behind today and forgot my laptop'

'Oh'

We're both silent again. I notice that it's getting late and, with having to stop at Consol before practice, I really need to sleep.

'I have to get some sleep Sid, night'

'Ok, good night'

I put my phone on mute this time and snuggle back under the covers. It's going to be a very earlier morning and I really need to get to sleep. Unfortunately, sleep continues to elude me. Damn.

When my alarm goes off the next morning, I pull the covers over my head and pray that I'm dreaming. Surely it can't be time to get up already. When the alarm keeps going, I know that it isn't a cruel joke and that I need to get up.

I give my head a shake and stretch before climbing out of bed. The only thing that will wake me up quickly is something I dread; the cold shower. I will remain fuzzy and sleepy if I don't turn that shower to cold so I do it and shower as fast as I can. It does the trick so I quickly put on some make up, pull my hair up into a pony tail and then dress. Sid was right and it doesn't take me long to pack. All I need is clothes since my make-up bag is always ready. When you travel as much as we do, you have a travel case for everything you need which means you only need to think about clothes.

Traffic is horrible because I'm traveling at rush hour. I'm only fifteen minutes from Consol but it takes me thirty. Of course I run into office staff that want to chat and wish me luck on my first road trip. Since I'm new to the organization, I can't afford to simply tell people that I'm running late and cut the conversation short. I'm running very late as I leave for Southpointe. At least I'm driving away from the city and, when I finally get on the highway, I make great time and arrive only slightly late.

"Late night Mac?" I hear Robert say behind me as I'm racing down the hall.

"Funny Bortz, very funny" I tell him hoping for a teasing tone.

Robert laughs and then heads to the ice. Maybe last night was a good thing. Maybe getting to spend some time with the guys out of the 'office' helped them see me as more than the team shrink. Maybe I'm simply worrying too much.

Grabbing a banana, I head to the ice and watch as Dan begins practice. The guys start their rushes in their usual lines.

"Cutting it a little close huh?"

Mike joins me at the boards and leans without touching me.

"I forgot my laptop at Consol" I tell him.

"I could have picked it up for you" he replies.

"That's very sweet. Thanks Mike" I glance at him and smile. He smiles back.

When I look back out on the ice, I notice that Sid is staring at me and, when my eyes meet his, he quickly darts them away. What is that about?


	11. Chapter 11

Pittsburgh isn't in winter yet but Florida is still much, much warmer. I love the Florida road trip. We always arrive early enough to spend time at the beach before dinner. This trip is the same so everyone quickly goes to their room and gets changed. Before we head up, Granato tells us that they've reserved volleyball courts at the beach for us. When I glance at Mac, I see that she's smiling so this must be her doing. She has us involved in an activity off of the ice together. Smart.

Within the hour, we're at the beach and separated into teams. The coaches are on their own team and even Coach Martin has joined. My team plays against the coaches first. I'm immediately distracted as I watch Mac strip out of her sweatshirt and pants down to a tank top and shorts. She reveals miles and miles of long, shapely legs.

"That's not going to be distracting at all" Nealer says beside me.

I don't have to guess what he's referring to because I was thinking the exact same thing.

"Focus on the game Nealer" Tanger says as we walk onto the sand.

I remind myself to do the same thing; focus on the game and not those legs. Of course my eyes search out Mac again and she's bending over to pick up the ball.

"Fuck me" Nealer says only slightly under his breath.

"You'll have to get in line behind Kades" Tanger tells him.

The game starts and gets heated right away. As players, we have better vertical leap and can block at the net; but, volleyball is as much about finesse as it is power and Mac has a wicked tip shot. The score goes back and forth a few times, we're up and then they're up, over and over the score changes. We take a break for some water. Between the sun and the exertion, my tee shirt is sticking to me so I strip mine off like some of the other guys. As I'm guzzling down water, I feel someone looking at me and glance to the other side of the net. She has sunglasses on but I can tell that Mac is staring at me. When she notices that I'm looking back, she quickly looks the other way and grabs a bottle of water. Now it's my turn to stare as Mac tilts her head back and takes a long swig from the bottle. A few drops drip out of her mouth, over her chin and onto her chest. I can't take my eyes away from that drip.

"Stare any harder Sid and Kades may make you do extra push ups at practice" Nealer says behind me.

I quickly look away and avoid any further conversation by going back out to the court. If Nealer noticed my staring then I really need to be more careful. When did I start staring at Mac anyway? When did I start thinking about her 'that' way?

I'm distracted through the next few minutes of the game. At first I'm thinking about what Nealer said but then I'm directly opposite Mac at the net and I can only think about her. She's laughing at something Dan says. When she notices that I'm in front of her, the smile slips from her lips and she's staring back at me. It's definitely an intense moment and I don't understand why. We seem to oscillate between talking like we're best friends and having this intensely powerful connection.

"Sid!" I hear Tanger yell and I put my hands up just in time to tap the ball over the net.

Thankfully that keeps the ball in play and I pull my concentration back to the game. We win that point. The coaches win the next. It's down to the final point and we need to break their serve to win the game. We don't. The coaches' chirping begins directly after their cheer of victory.

We shake hands and then move onto the next game. My mind keeps drifting back to the coaches' game but I make a concerted effort to keep my attention in front of me too. It's been twice now that one of the guys has noticed that I was staring at Mac. I don't know what bothers me more; that I've been staring at her or that the guys are noticing. I have to be more careful although I'm not quite sure of what.

At the end of the tournament, the coaches win which has every player calling it a fix. Of course this means that we'll be serving the winning team their dinner at our cook out. That was the bet before the tournament.

We have some downtime before dinner so I go up to my room and shower. When I'm done, I still have some time so I call Lizzy.

"Daddy!"

"Lizzy!"

It's our usually greeting when I'm on the road. I watch her face fill my iPad screen and know that I'm smiling ear to ear. It's an inevitable response to seeing my daughter's smile and enthusiasm to see me.

"What have you been doing today?" I ask her

Lizzy tells me all about daycare and the boy Jarrod with who she's become friends. If I didn't know better, I'd think that she has a crush on this boy. It doesn't happen this young, does it? Oh God, I thought I had a while before I had to chase away the boys. Maybe I need to fight more on the ice to scare the shit out of them.

"How was your day daddy?"

This is a new thing. Lizzy heard my mom ask how my day was and, ever since, she copies the question. What I find fascinating is that she actually listens to my answer. She focuses on what I'm saying and sometimes asks me a question too. What a clever little girl.

I tell her about the beach and Florida which has Lizzy saying "Micky!"

She saw a commercial for Disney World on TV and has been talking about it for the last week. She loves Micky Mouse but didn't know about Disney World until recently. I will have to take her this summer. It will be so much fun to watch her experience the rides and the park. Of course she'll enjoy meeting the princesses the best. I wonder if we could arrange a private lunch or something for her.

"Did you see Micky daddy?"

"No, I didn't see Micky princess. I'm playing hockey so I don't have time to visit Mickey."

Lizzy looks crushed on my behalf. "No Micky?"

"Not this time. Maybe the next time I come to visit."

"Ok" she says but is still frowning.

"When is daddy coming home?" I ask her.

It's something that the psychologist suggested to us. Lizzy helps me pack then, every time we talk, we count down the days and when I return she helps me unpack. It involves her in my trip and helps her understand that I am coming home.

"Two days!" she tells me and drops the iPad that she's using. "Oopsie" she says and picks it back up.

"I have to go princesses."

"Wait daddy. Mac?"

I chuckle. "Yes, Mac is travelling with us."

"I made a picture for Mac" she tells me.

This is the second picture that she has coloured for Mac. I'll have to arrange for Lizzy to give this one to Mac herself.

"That's nice Lizzy. When I get home, would you like to give it to Mac yourself?"

I watch the screen go fuzzy as Lizzy jumps up and down with it.

"Yeppers, daddy, yeppers."

"Ok, we'll do that. I have to go princess, I love you."

"Love you daddy."

She kisses the screen in the most adorable way, waves and then hands the device to my mom.

"Good luck tomorrow honey" mom tells me and then we hang up.

When I leave my room, I see Duper and Flower leaving their own.

"How is Stella?" I ask Flower.

"She's waving now" he answers with a huge grin.

I didn't understand that pride and happiness before Lizzy but now I know exactly why he's grinning. I felt the same way when Lizzy kissed the screen.

Duper has us laughing about something Kody did at school as we ride the elevator to the lobby. A barbeque has been set up by the pool with lots of tables and chairs and the area is reserved for us. The coaches sit at the same table and start chirping us about serving them dinner. I notice that Mac is there and laughing at the exchange. This is most likely exactly what she wanted to happen; the players are a 'team' good naturedly against the coaches. A few of us go to the buffet and make up plates as part of our penance. I want to take mine to Mac but the words of Nealer and Tanger on the volleyball court come back to me and I take the plate to Dan instead. He chirps me, of course, and then digs in. I see Duper hand a plate to Mac and they chat for a few moments.

I grab my own plate and sit down with a few of the newer guys. Road trips are a great time to get to know the rookies and check in with them. As captain, I like to make sure that they're doing ok and making the transition to the NHL as best they can. It can be difficult and it helps to have someone reach out to support you. Mario was that guy for me and I like to do the same for others. Call it paying-it-forward or being their captain; whatever, I think it's the right thing to do.

After dinner, I ask a few guys to my room to watch the Habs game. Maata, Duper and Jussi say yes. I'm surprised when I see Mac with Duper enter my room later. She smiles at me.

"It's the Habs" she says and we both chuckle.

Mac sits in the lounge chair beside bed and the guys make themselves comfortable on the extra chair and the other bed. The pre-show guys start talking about our last game where we won against the Canes. Jussi got a hat trick against his former team so the Duper in on him for it. It's so predictable and really funny too. To annoy Dupe, Jussi and Maata start talking in Finnish so Duper begins talking at them in French. None of us knew that Maata understands and speaks French. Duper's face is hilarious when Maata responds and switches quickly from Finnish to French to Finnish again. We're saved from the ensuing fight when Milbury starts talking about my play in the last game. Apparently he isn't happy with how I played. What an ass.

"He's such an ass" Mac says mirroring my thoughts.

"He's always giving Sid a tough time about how he plays. Milbury never likes anything he does" Duper comes to my defense. He can always be counted on to be on my side.

Finally, the game starts and it gets intense quickly. The Habs / Leafs games are always intense and in Montreal it's even worse. The fans there are crazy for their team and often, simply, indiscriminately crazy. The game is a blow out for the Habs and the guys decide to leave at the end of the second. When everyone stands, we notice that Mac has fallen asleep.

"Leave her" I tell them. "I'm going to watch the end of the game and I'll wake her up if she hasn't by then."

They leave and I settle back onto my bed. I can't help watching Mac sleeping. She looks so pretty and peaceful propped up on the pillows of the chair. I find myself glancing between the game and Mac sleeping often finding Mac much more interesting. I don't know why I'm drawn to her but I am, constantly, and can't stop staring at her. I don't even notice when I drift off to sleep.

* * *

I wake up slowly hearing someone moaning. It takes me more than a few minutes to realize where I am. The last thing I remember is watching the Habs play the Leafs with a few of the guys in Sid's room. I must have fallen asleep because Sports Centre is on the TV and the guys are gone; all except for Sid who is asleep and currently moaning. Briefly, I wonder if he's having a nightmare. It doesn't take me long to know that Sid's moaning isn't in pain. The tent he's pitching confirms it.

Do I leave his room? Wake him up? Join him in whatever dream he's having? Where the hell did that come from? Ok, that isn't an option I will remotely entertain.

I was asleep when the guys left so if I simply leave then Sid might wonder what happened. I guess I could leave a note. Screw it; I'm just going to wake him up.

After stretching, I walk to the side of the bed and sit beside Sid.

"Sid" I say softly. He simply moans again and shifts slightly. "Sid" I say again and give him a light shake. He grabs my hand still asleep. "Sid" I say more insistently. His eyes pop open and I see the dark desire in them staring at me.

Before I can even think, Sid has pulled me down against him and his lips cover mine. My hands fall to his chest but he's holding me too tight to push him away. His hand falls to my ass and pulls me against him harder so that I can feel that tent for myself. His hard body is a rock against mine, everywhere we're touching, and I get lost in it. Sid's tongue parts my lips and slides against mine. His lips possess as his hands do the same up and down my body. My body overtakes my mind and I get lost the feelings washing over me.

He reverses our positions so that I'm pushed on my back between Sid and the bed. I hear a moan as Sid settles between my legs which quickly fall open for him. That moan could me mine or his. I feel muscle everywhere my fingers dig into his back. The man is all hard muscle and simply, well, hard. Everywhere his body is touching mine, and it's covering every part of me, feels on fire. It's like his skin is literally scorching mine.

Sid's lips move from my lips, down my chin and to the curve of my neck. His teeth dig into my flesh there and I feel it race through me then straight between my legs. I'm growing wetter by the second and instinctively grind against his errection pushing against me. The need rips through me and I feel sweat break out over my flesh in response to everything Sid is doing to me. I never felt this way with Mike.

Oh God!

"Sid!" I say loudly and push against him hard.

Sid's eyes find mine, unfocused and looking like I'm the only woman in the world. Slowly I see the comprehension come into his eyes of who I am, where we are and what we're doing. He pulls away and rolls over on his back beside me. I can hear us both try to catch our breath and vaguely sense Sports Centre on in the background. The blood rushing through my body is too loud in my ears.

Minutes go by and neither of us move or say anything. It's like we're both trying to will away what we just did. I'm feeling incredibly guilty and even more turned on. Of course that makes me feel even guiltier; can we forget that this happened, ever? Can I? And what about Mike? We may not be a couple but this wouldn't be a kind thing to do to him.

"I don't know what to say" Sid says softly.

I manage to reply "me either."

We lay quiet for a few moments longer. I'm a psychologist; shouldn't I know what to say?

I sit up and hope, pray maybe, that I have a moment of clarity and know the perfect way to respond to the situation. None comes of course.

"I'm sorry Mac."

"I'm sorry too Sid. I don't know what happened."

That's a lie of course. I could have left while he was asleep but I didn't. I could have pushed him away harder when he pulled me to him but I didn't.

"I know what happened" he says and sits up next to me.

I muster up the courage to look at Sid and he runs his hands over his face.

"Mac" he begins. "I've been having dreams about Cat for months now."

He doesn't need to tell me what kind of dreams. It's obvious what kind they are from what happened and the bulge he's still sporting.

"Anyway, I'm really sorry Mac."

"I understand Sid. Really, it's ok."

I manage to look Sid in the eye finally and he looks as embarrassed as I feel. After a few moments, we both chuckle which turns to laughter and then we're lying back on the bed giggling like school girls. That manages to rid most of the embarrassment from the room. When we finally stop laughing, I glance back at Sid again just as he glances at me. Another gale of laughter erupts from us.

We finally manage to calm down again and we're now lying on our sides facing each other. The smiles are genuine and without the uncomfortableness; or at least as much as there was before.

"Can we forget that this happened Sid? We'll just pretend it never happened."

"Ok, I like that idea. I really am sorry Mac."

"I appreciate that but it wasn't anyone's fault. It happened, I understand why and we'll move on."

Sid instantly looks relieved and says "thanks. We've been really getting along and becoming friends. I'd hate to think I've ruined that."

Sid looks so serious and worried. I want to reach out and hug him. Instead, I touch his arm.

"Nothing is ruined Sid. I agree, we're becoming friends, and I like that too."

Sid covers my hand with his own and squeezes for a moment before releasing it.

"I should go" I tell him and get up.

Sid follows me to the door. Looking back at him before I leave, I'm struck by how lost he suddenly looks; lost and alone. I want to pull him to me and comfort him. I guess that means we are becoming friends, right?

"Sid" I say and wait until he looks me in the eye. "It's natural to dream about Cat whatever the dreams are. Sometimes our subconscious works things out before we can consciously."

He looks uncomfortable for a moment and bits his bottom lip.

"I'm serious Sid. It's natural and part of the healing process."

Sid offers me a smile and then leans in to kiss my cheek before I can move. I'm surprised but try to cover quickly. This is what friends do, right?

"Goodnight" he says.

"Goodnight" I reply and leave his room.

It isn't until I'm at my room when I hear Sid's door close. Did he watch me walk back to my room?


	12. Chapter 12

I've just taken off my sweater when there is a knock on my door. Sid didn't follow me back to my room, did he?

When I open the door, I'm surprised to see Mike. Before I can say anything, Mike has come into my room and I'm pushed up against the wall. His lips attack mine and I simply try to keep up. Mike's body pushes against mine and I feel his errection growing. His hands slide up my sides and then back down where one of his hands moves to the back of my thigh and pulls it up. Mike steps closer and between my legs while my leg wraps around his.

"You are so fucking hot" Mike says as his lips move up and down my neck now. "I thought you'd never leave Sid's room."

That pours a cold bucket of water over me and I push Mike back softly but firmly. His face comes back to mine, he smiles and pecks at my lips a few more times, softly now. I force a smile.

"I know" he says. "I can't stay. But I had to see you before I went to sleep although I didn't think it through carefully. Now I need a cold shower."

He chuckles and pecks my lips again.

"Everything ok?" he asks.

"Yeah, sorry" I reply and then say the only thing that I can. "I'm just tired. I even fell asleep watching the game with the guys."

Mike chuckles and kisses me softly, lingering for a moment.

"Ok, I'll leave and let you sleep." Another kiss. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight" I tell him and shut the door after he leaves, leaning heavily on it.

How did my life get so screwed up in one hour? I haven't been with a guy in two years and now I've made out with two in ten minutes. This isn't fair to Mike. He's such a good guy and I love spending time with him. The next thought passes through my head before I'm consciously aware; I didn't feel half of what I felt with Sid when Mike kissed me, touched me. What the hell is wrong with me? This is wrong for so many reasons. I can't even count the number of ways that this is wrong.

I have to tell Mike. That's the only right thing to do. If I want a relationship with him then I need to tell him what happened with Sid. The problem is that I don't know if I want a relationship with him. Sex isn't everything but will I forever compare Mike and Sid? There's no comparison of course.

As I crawl into bed, I still don't know what to do. Maybe I need to figure out if Mike and I are going to keep dating. If we're not, then telling him what happened may not have a purpose and I don't need to potentially hurt him. He's funny, smart, driven and hot. Unfortunately, it's not his touch I'm thinking of as I roll over and turn off the light.

I remember every moment of those few minutes with Sid. His full lips were firm, almost possessive over mine. When his tongue swept through my lips to tangle with mine he knew exactly how to joust and parry. A shudder flows through me thinking of those moments and I find my hand wandering between my legs, into my panties and my fingers slip over my clit.

When Sid flipped us over so that he was lying on top of me, it was another kind of possession. He settled between my legs so naturally like he'd been there before and knew exactly how he would fit; and he did, fit. My fingers rub faster as I remember the feeling of his thumbs as they caressed my nipples. They puckered instantly for him and he rubbed them expertly. The dark desire in his eyes is seared into my memory. I don't think I'll ever forget how his hazel eyes became dark pools and wild on mine. The feeling of him pushing against me, between my legs, had me arching to meet him. What would it feel like to have him thrust inside of me with those wild eyes searing mine? What would it feel like to have his naked, hard body pressing against mine sweating with strain? Every muscle in his body would be taut under my fingers and I would be able to feel each and every one.

He would set a hard and fast rhythm that I'd meet eagerly. As I got closer and closer, I'd dig my fingers into the muscles in his shoulders and Sid would groan. Just that sound would send me over the edge and he would follow me very close behind. I can all but feel his muscles tense as he thrusts one last time and then I'd watch as his orgasm over takes him and I'd close my eyes to ride my own; as I do right now.

Oh God, did I just do that and so quickly? Of course I masturbate, it has been two years, but it usually takes me longer and I have to use my vibrator. I shared one kiss, only one kiss, with Sid and I can make myself cum in less than three minutes. What the hell am I going to do?

* * *

I finally gave up on trying to ignore my hard-on and took care of the problem. That helped me fall asleep and a dreamless one thankfully. As I prepare to go for breakfast, I wonder if it's going to be awkward with Mac. I really don't want it to be awkward. She's becoming a good friend and friends, good friends that I can really talk to, are very hard to find. The guys are great and I'm very close to Duper and Flower but it's different with Mac. I can talk to her, really talk to her, without worrying how she'll react or if I'll feel stupid. I haven't known her long but I knew that instinctively and right from the beginning.

After a deep breath, I leave my hotel room and go into the hall. Fuck! I was so preoccupied thinking about Mac that I didn't think about Mike and now, there he is, right in front of me.

"I hear you had an interesting night" Mike says.

Oh God, what is he talking about? Did Mac tell him what happened? She wouldn't have, would she?

"What do you mean?" I ask him.

"Mac said that she fell asleep watching the game with you guys."

Oh, that's what she told him.

"Yeah she did. We let her sleep there until she woke up. She missed most of the game."

Our conversation turns to the game and how the Habs and Leafs are playing. I feel a horrible sense of guilt eating at me. In my head, I know that it wasn't something either Mac or I did intentionally. It was an accident I guess, sort of, so why do I feel so guilty? Mike should really know what happened but I'll need to talk to Mac about that first. If they are involved and building a relationship then I don't want to do anything to screw that up for them.

When we reach the room where our breakfast is set up, I look around and can't help the sigh of relief when I don't see Mac. If it will be awkward to see her for the first time since last night and it would be even worse if it was with Mike too.

After grabbing some food, Mike sits at one table and I sit at a different one on purpose. Even if Mike doesn't know, I feel awkward and guilty and it's not going away. I really need to talk to Mac today about this so that I can stop thinking about it. I don't even think about Mac that way so Mike has nothing to worry about; but, it's still not cool to be kissing your friends girl no matter how accidental it happens.

The first time I see Mac is on the bus taking us to practice. When our eyes meet, there's one brief awkward second but then we both smile and I know we're ok. Relief washes over me and I feel immediately better that is until I see Mike. When I look back to Mac, her lips are pursed and she's looking at Mike too. When her eyes come back to mine, we have a moment of understanding and I know that she's feeling as bad as I do about what happened. That's when the awkwardness seeps back in between us and I'm left wondering if we're ok again.

At practice, I put everything out of my mind but the ice and the drills. I have always been able to do that; put everything out of my mind but the game in front of me. Of course I immediately remember the Bruins series last season. I wasn't able to focus then. I tried desperately but Cat was always there in my mind and the pain weighing on my shoulders. That's the only time that, for more than period or even a game, I wasn't able to pull myself out of my head and focus.

As I wait for my turn at the drill, I see Mac and Mike together at the bench. Mike is animated and Mac is laughing at whatever he's saying. I'm still left feeling uneasy about what happened and Mike not knowing about it. I really need to find a few minutes to talk with Mac about this and figure out the right thing to do. The uneasy feeling grows when Mac laughs again and rests her hand on his shoulder.

I draw my attention back to the drill with barely enough time to jump in. The line rushes are fast and just the way I love them. Back and forth we go, over and over, it's intense and fun. When Dan ends practice, I ask Tanger to stay out and practice tip-ins with me. A few other guys stay out too. Some talk to the coaches and some practice shots. Voukie stays out and Flower goes to the locker room since he's starting tonight. When we're finished, Tanger leaves the ice and I clean up the pucks.

"Is that the captain's job?" I hear Mac say from the bench.

After putting the last puck on top of the net, I skate over to her and notice that we're alone on the ice.

"Yeah, I guess" I reply.

This is a perfect time to talk but how do I bring this up.

"Sid, I think that we need to talk about last night."

"Yeah, I agree."

We both look at each other now but neither of us says a word.

Finally, Mac says "there are two things for me. One, I really don't want any awkwardness between us. We also need to decide what, if anything, to tell Mike."

It's like she's in my head and knows exactly what's been bothering me too.

"Mac, I really don't want that to affect your relationship with Mike or the friendship that we've been developing. I'm sorry to have kissed you like that. I really am."

"Sid, it was just a weird situation and I understand, really."

She smiles at me looking hopeful. I smile back and we're instantly back to our previous equilibrium. The smiles leave both of us when we seem to remember Mike at the same time.

"I don't want to do anything to damage your relationship with Mike but I really think he needs to know. It doesn't feel right that he doesn't know."

"I know. I don't like it but I've come to the same conclusion. Sid, let me do it ok? I'll find him this afternoon while you guys are napping and make sure that he's ok."

I'm relieved that she's agreed that Mike needs to know. Mac telling him is the right thing to do and I can only hope that he's ok with that, with it not coming from me.

"Do you think he'll be ok that it's not coming from me?" I ask her.

"I don't know how he's going to react but I think I need to tell him since we've started dating."

"Ok, I guess that makes sense."

We stand there for a moment more, in silence, but it's a comfortable silence and I feel like our friendship has been restored. That connection we've had since the beginning is back too.

"I have to go change and shower. Can you text me and let me know how it goes with Mike?"

"Yeah, I definitely will. Don't let this affect you game Sid. It's not something we did on purpose."

"Yeah, ok."

I walk off the ice and to the locker room. I quickly undress, shower and change to make the bus on time. Everyone heads to their room for the pre-game nap. I watch Mac and Mike stand in the hallway chatting. They're probably waiting until everyone is in their rooms before going into one of theirs together. I can only hope that it goes ok. What I can't figure out is what that means to me? Does it mean that Mac and Mike are ok and they keep dating? Does it mean that they're ok but don't continue dating? I can't figure it out so I turn it off and go to sleep. Hopefully I'll have a text from Mac when I wake up.

* * *

It was nice to talk to Sid after practice. We talked it out last night but it got awkward today, in the cold like of day as it's called. Now I need to talk to Mike. Telling him about last night isn't what I'm worried about. I'm still trying to figure out what comes after that. Do I tell Mike that I still want to date and see what there could be between us? Do I tell him that I don't think we should continue dating? If we don't keep seeing each other, what is my reason? It's not because of Sid of course. If it's not because of Sid then why wouldn't I want to keep seeing Mike?

The phrase 'physician, heal thyself' keeps going through my head. It's ironic that I'm having trouble figuring out how I feel and what to do about it when I'm a psychologist. I should be able to figure this out, shouldn't I? As we drive back to the hotel after practice, I'm still unsure what I'm going to say. I need to get it together quickly because we've arrived. I manage to find Mike as we head into the hotel.

"Want to come to my room?" I ask him.

Mike raises and eyebrow and gives me a saucy look.

"Oh yeah?" he says.

"Ha ha ha. Not for that Mike."

He chuckles and says "sure."

We take the elevator up and chat with the other guys. As if we both know it, we walk slowly so that the guys get into their rooms before we walk into mine. I catch Sid's eyes at the last minute before he heads into his room. It's an intense and quiet moment. When everyone has left the hall, I open my door and enter with Mike.

Upon entering, Mike pulls me into his arms although with less urgency than last night. His lips softly take mine and I sink into the kiss. Am I trying to feel something that isn't there? Regardless, I need to stop this so that we can talk. This is going to make it worse. I push Mike back slightly and he looks puzzled.

"I want to talk" I tell him and walk further into the room. Damnit, I still don't know what I'm going to say. I sit on the chair and Mike sits on the bed. Ok, here I go.

"Mike, I need to tell you about something that happened last night." I take a deep breath and then tell recount the evening. First, I say how I fell asleep and that I woke up and Sid was asleep. The next part is more difficult and I avoid the details. I don't tell him how Sid was moaning or what it sounded like. I stick to the facts and how Sid kissed me while he was still asleep. It was a little stickier to tell him about how, and more importantly when, I tried to push Sid away. It wasn't right away and I knew what I was doing when I gave into the moment. I'm really the only one who isn't innocent in this situation. Sid was still asleep and dreaming when he kissed me. Ok, I have to come clean about everything.

"Mike" I begin. "Sid was still sleeping and dreaming when he kissed me. He didn't realize that it was me because he was dreaming of Cat."

Mike nods. He's been silent the entire time I've been talking and this is the only response I've received.

"Mike, I need to be honest. There was a moment when I realized what was happening and I could have pushed him away but didn't. It was only a moment but it happened. I still don't know why but ..." I trail off there. What else is there to say?

I wait for Mike to say something now. He's still sitting there, silently, with no expression on his face. I can't interpret what he's feeling by looking at him. He so rarely doesn't have a smile on his face that this is very unsettling. I simply wait.

"I don't know what to say" he finally speaks. "What does this mean?"

Confused, I ask "what do you mean?"

"What does this mean to us? Do you still want to keep seeing each other?"

"Is that still a possibility Mike?"

He frowns deeper. "I'm pissed, sure. It's not like we're a couple. We've only gone out on a few dates. Did it have to be Sid?"

I shrug. "It just happened Mike. It wasn't planned so it could have been any guy I guess."

Even as those words leave my mouth, my gut is telling me that they aren't true. I would never have behaved that way if it was Geno or Beau. I decide to keep that to myself.

"That brings me back to my question Mac, do you still want to date?"

Isn't that the million dollar question?


	13. Chapter 13

When I wake up from my nap, I see a text from Mac on my phone.

'Talked to Mike, everything is ok. He was pissed but at the situation, not you.'

I expected to feel a huge relief if their conversation went well. Surprisingly, I feel very little relief. I'm glad that Mike isn't mad at me and that it seems he and Mac are ok; but, part of me feels disappointed and I'm not sure why.

'Just seeing this now' I text. 'I'm glad it went well'

As I dress, I keep one eye on my phone waiting for Mac to text back. Finally, as I'm putting on my suit jacket, I hear it vibrate.

'Yeah, in the end we landed in a good place.'

I desperately want to ask if they're still dating. We're friends so I should be able to ask, right?

"So, are you guys ok?'

That's all I have the courage to ask. I feel a bit like a coward.

'Yeah' she texts. 'We decided to keep dating and see what happens.'

Oh. They're going to keep dating. Wow.

'That's great' I tell her. 'Are you happy about that?' I press send before I can second guess myself.

I start getting nervous when she doesn't answer right away. It takes her more than a few moments to text back but she finally does.

'Yeah Sid, it's good. See you on the bus.'

'Ok'

I straighten my tie in the mirror and wonder if she's really happy. I guess I don't know her well enough to determine that easily. I can only hope that she's happy. Maybe we'll get a chance to talk before the game. I see that I have some time before the bus leaves but I take the time to call Lizzy. I miss her so much when I'm on the road.

"Daddy!"

"Lizzy!"

"How was your day daddy?"

"My day was wonderful. How was your day?"

"I saw a bunny daddy."

"A bunny? Where did you see a bunny?"

"Grandma and Gampa took me to the store and we saw fishies, and doggies, and kitties and bunnies."

She continues describing her adventures and her hand moves around as she talks. The picture moves from her face to the wall to her feet. When she's excited, it's a little more difficult to Facetime because she forgets to look into the camera on the iPad. I don't stop her because I love it when she gets on a roll and this excited.

Unfortunately, it's getting close to the time that I have to be at the bus so I'm going to have to interrupt her.

"Princess, I have to go."

"Noooooooo" she says with a whine.

"I do. You know that daddy has a game tonight. I have another one tomorrow and then I'll be home. I`ll call you before the game."

She sniffs a couple of times before saying "ok daddy."

"I love you" I tell her.

"I love you" she parrots back and then kisses the phone. I love that part.

"Good luck tonight Sid" my dad says when he takes the iPad from Lizzy.

"Thanks dad" I reply and we say goodbye.

I make it to the bus on time and we're on our way quickly. We play Tampa tonight and the Panthers tomorrow night. I miss Lizzy and I've only been away a day. I always thought and planned for how to help Lizzy get through my road trips; but, I never thought about how I would feel or how I would get through it. Being away from her continues to be very difficult for me.

I go into my zone as we drive to the rink for the game. Everyone knows to leave me alone on the drive because I like to get in the right head space. I see the game in my mind and picture what I'm going to do, what they're going to do and how I'm going to react. It helps me focus to see the game before the game.

Walking into the rink, I reengage with the guys and have conversations. Mike was sitting at the front of the bus and is already in the coaches room so I don`t get a chance to talk to him. It`s just as well since I really need to focus. I see Stamkos around the corner and stop by to talk to him for a few minutes. He's already on fire this year and definitely a threat for our game tonight.

The routine of preparing for the game always calms me and focuses me at the same time. The exercises in the same order, the two-touch game with the guys and then finally, putting the gear on. I see Mac at the door to the locker room with Mike beside her. Mac is wearing one of her usual business suits and this one is navy with a cream coloured blouse. What would she look like if she dressed up more, a skirt maybe, low cut top? If what we saw of her body on the beach is any preview then she would definitely look really good.

She and Mike are laughing and I watch as he brushes a hand lightly over her shoulder. It's one of those careless touches between two people who are comfortable with each other. Mac gives him a smile. I'm going to have to talk to Mike at some point to make sure that we're ok. It doesn't do anyone any good if there is conflict within the team and the team extends to the coaches. Mac said that Mike was ok but I'll need to make sure for myself.

I give my head a shake and focus back on the game. I watch the rest of the guys come in and out of the room. Duper puts on each piece of equipment, one at a time, and then leaves the room. He does this every game. Two elbow pads and then out to get a bottle of water. He puts on his wrist protectors and then back out again. Scuds sits at his stall and simply looks across the room unfocused and yet very focused. We all have our way of preparing directly before the game. Each player has their own way to get into the game before they hit the ice.

It's thirty minutes before the game and Dan comes into the room for the last direction to the troops. I listen intently, as I always do, to ensure that I have the game plan firmly in my head. When Dan finishes, everyone goes back to their last minute preparations and I slip out of the locker room to do my new one.

"Daddy!"

"Lizzy!"

When I'm on the road, the last thing I do before I hit the ice is talk to my girl. I used to be focused and serious before the game, and I still am, but talking to Lizzy helps me be happy and remember the joy of playing. I lost some of that during the concussion and then I lost the rest when Cat died. Talking to Lizzy brings me pure joy and I play better; shit, I am better for it.

"Are you going on the ice daddy?"

"I am princess. In a couple of minutes I'll be on the ice."

"Gamma says I can watch."

I chuckle. Mom and dad let her watch until her bedtime and then, at the next commercial, they tell her that the game is over. We won't be able to fool her too much longer but it works for now.

"Are you going to cheer for me princess?"

"Will you get a goal for me daddy?"

This is our usual conversation before the game. It's fascinating how Lizzy has picked up on my routines and participates in them fully.

"I'll try princess, I'll try. You be good for grandma and grandpa and I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you princess."

"I love you daddy."

We hang up and I feel the usual warmth spread through my heart as it does every time I hear my daughter tell me that she loves me. There's nothing like it in the world, nothing. I give myself a moment to fully feel the joy and then I head back to the locker room. Dana passes me and holds out his hand. He always takes my phone for me and puts it in the change room. I can't go in there with skates on.

The game is fast paced as we expect every time we play Tampa. We make a few mistakes but are definitely coming together and the new guys are picking up on the plays. Dan has complex plays and it can takes guys some time to get it right. They also need to gel with new line mates. I'm fortunate to have Kuni and Duper as my wingers. We know each other so well.

When the game ends, we win by two and I have three points; one goal and two assists. All in all, it's a good night. The 'rock' is given to me by Flower for my great play. I'd rather that the other guys get it but it's always up to the person who got it last to award it the next time.

When I leave the change room after the game, I see that Mike is alone sitting in one of the offices so I decide to talk to him.

"Got a minute Kades?" I ask from the doorway.

"Sure Sid" he replies and gestures to the other chair so I sit down.

"I don't know what to say Kades but I thought that I should, at least, apologize."

"Sid, Mac explained what happened and I understand. I'm not thrilled, don't get me wrong, but I get it. The apology is appreciated but not necessary."

He seems to really be ok.

"Are you sure?" I ask him one more time.

"Really Sid, we're ok."

I stand up and hold out my hand which Mike shakes. I guess we are ok.

I leave the office and head out to the bus. Mac turns down the hall at the same time. We're alone so I take advantage of the moment.

"I just talked to Mike" I tell her.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, he told me that he's ok and he really seems to be fine."

"He is Sid. He doesn't blame you at all. You don't need to worry."

That makes me wonder and worry.

"What do you mean he doesn't blame me? Does he blame you?"

At first she just shrugs one shoulder so I put my hand on her arm to stop her from continuing down the hall.

"Does he blame you Mac?"

She looks uncomfortable and at a loss for words. We stand silently looking at each other for a moment.

"He should, but he doesn't Sid."

Now I'm confused. "What do you mean that he should blame you?"

"Sid, you were asleep and still dreaming when you kissed me. I wasn't and I didn't stop you."

Still confused I say "you couldn't have stopped me Mac."

"Maybe but I should have tried and I didn't. That's on me Sid, not you."

Mac purses her lips and then continues walking to the bus. I'm too stunned to move. What does it mean that she didn't try and she should have? I know what she means but why didn't she try? What the fuck does that mean?

* * *

I've never been so glad to end a road trip ever. I know that Mike and I are back on even ground and he's ok but I still feel awkward around both him and Sid. I still can't believe that I confessed to Sid that I didn't pull away from him during that kiss. That's made it even more awkward. I really want to have some normalcy in my life again and I miss my friendship with Sid. Maybe now that we're back in Pittsburgh we can get over it. I'm really excited for today's practice because Sid's parents are bringing Lizzy in to skate with Sid after the guys are done. He told me that they'll bring her a little early so that I can see her too. I want to show her that I put up the picture she gave me.

I'm organizing the final details to bring Phil Jackson to our next road trip and continue our team building. Phil is very excited, or so his agent says, because he's a huge Pens fan although he told us not to tell anyone on the Blackhawks. As a former coach of the Chicago Bulls, he wouldn't want it getting around that he doesn't cheer for the home team. I'm really excited for the guys. Dan told everyone what we're doing by bringing in 'guests' when we're on the road but he wouldn't tell them who. Everyone is trying to find out and trying any means to do so. Sid hasn't told anyone that he knows so they don't bug him. On our side, only Ray and Jennifer know that it's Phil. It's become a game for the guys to find out who's coming. I had no idea that just trying to find out the 'secret' is uniting the guys for a cause.

"Mac!" I hear at my door. Of course it's Lizzy.

"Hi Lizzy" I say and get up to meet her and her grandfather. "Hi, I'm Mac" I say as I shake hands with Troy Crosby.

As we shake, I notice some of the ways that Sid is like his father. He looks much more like his mom but he definitely has his dad's eyes. They are kind and intelligent.

"It's wonderful to meet you Mac" Troy says to me.

"I want to show you something" I tell Lizzy and then take her hand to guide her to my desk. I sit her in my chair and turn her around so that she can see her picture posted over my desk. It is so adorable when her eyes get really big and then she starts clapping her hands and giggling.

"Look gampa look!" she squeals.

"Yes sweetheart, it's beautiful" Troy tells her and then turns to smile at me.

Lizzy tells me all about when she made it for me and how she's going to make me another one. I won't need wallpaper in my office if Lizzy makes all of the pictures that she says she wants to for me.

"Time to skate gampa" she says suddenly.

Troy looks at his watch and replies "almost. Should we go and get ready?"

"Yeppers" she shouts and jumps off of my chair. Lizzy is half way out the door when she turns and holds out her hand. "C'mon Mac" she says and holds out her hand.

I look at Troy and he's smiling so I say "sure" and take her hand.

We walk down the hall to the players' lounge where Troy picks up a bag before we continue to the locker room. Some of the guys have already come off of the ice and are talking to reporters or taking off their gear. We go to Sid's stall and Troy helps Lizzy put on her pads, skates and helmet. Her jersey has Sid's number and says 'daddy' on the back. She's adorable. Of course she becomes even more adorable when she walks in her skates as we all do; waddling like penguins.

I follow Lizzy and Troy out to the ice and see the rest of the guys coming off. Sid is taking off his equipment from the waist up and leaves it on the bench.

"Daddy!"

Lizzy shouts and tries to run up the ramp toward the ice. Troy catches her before she can fall smack on her face and I remember that Taylor, Sid's sister, plays hockey too. Troy has done this a few times of course.

I'm amazed when, after carefully stepping onto the ice, Lizzy glides easily. She takes confident strides directly to Sid of course. He catches and twirls her before putting her down and handing her a small stick. It reminds me of the one my dad bought me only I don't remember our father-daughter skates being fun. Even at Lizzy's age, dad was making me go through drills and telling me how to fix my turns or pivots.

Sid and Lizzy go down to the end where the net is and Sid sets up a few pucks for her. I watch Marc come back on the ice and he takes his place in goal. It's obvious that they've done this before. Marc pretends to try and stop her shots. He even stops a few to make it look good. I'm surprised when Lizzy fakes the next one and gives Marc a deke. Wow, did she really do that and at three years old. She wasn't speedy or even very steady but she did it well.

"Did you see me daddy? Did you see me?" she shouts and you can hear it reverberate throughout the empty arena.

Sid and Marc's laugh can be heard too.

"Mac, did you see me?" Lizzy shouts to me.

"I did Lizzy. You are very good."

"Just like daddy!" she says and then promptly falls on her bum.

"Oui ma fille, just like your daddy" Marc says to Lizzy and Troy and I laugh.

Lizzy doesn't understand of course but she starts laughing too while Sid helps her up. The grin that spreads over his face as he watches his daughter laugh in his arms is beautiful. Sid is clearly so in love with his daughter and it's obvious she feels the same way. They may still be finding their way but it's clear that Lizzy is a happy child who is loved.

"She's great, huh?" I hear Mike say beside me.

When I turn, Mike is looking out at Lizzy and Sid and smiling.

"Yeah, she's a wonderful girl" I tell him.

"What are you doing for dinner?" Mike asks me.

I look at him, raise one eyebrow and respond "what do you have in mind?"

Mike laughs low and deep before saying, in a whisper "I think that I can come up with something."

He's so cheesy that I can't help chuckling which he intended of course. I'm left again feeling lucky to have met someone like Mike. Especially in a new city, it's easy to feel alone and lonely. The team becomes family quickly with the players taking care of new players and the coaches taking care of new coaches. It's nice to see the coaches extend that to me. Dan's wife has even reached out to help me set up my apartment.

"Be ready at five" I hear Mike say and feel his breath in my ear. I shiver in response as he intended of course.

"Mac!" I hear Lizzy call out to me. "Come skate!"

I smile and reply "I can't today Lizzy. Maybe next time, ok?"

"No, come out now" she says with a whine in her voice and bangs her stick hard on the ice.

Before I can say anything, I watch Sid bend down so that his face is level with Lizzy's. I can't quite make out what he's saying but he isn't smiling. Lizzy's bottom lip comes out and Sid tilts his head and says something else that has the pout leaving her face. I watch Sid talk and then Lizzy nods before hugging him.

"He's really taking to being a dad" Troy says beside me.

"I hear he has a great example" I tell Troy.

"Yeah, well" he replies and I watch him shrug his shoulders just like Sid does when he's trying to shrug off a compliment.

Sid and Lizzy skate hand in hand toward the bench. Sid helps his daughter off the ice and then nods to her. Lizzy walks, waddles, to me.

"I'm sorry" she says in a small voice.

I look at Sid and he looks, well, proud. It's really very sweet.

"Thank you" I tell Lizzy.

She looks up at me hopefully so I give her a smile. Her frown is replaced by a smile and she holds her arms open.

"Hug" she says.

I stoop down and take the little girl in my arms. It's very easy to see why Sid was so happy when he hugged his daughter. She's very sweet.

"You're not mad?" Lizzy asks me when she pulls back.

"No Lizzy I'm not mad and I will skate with you next time, ok?"

"Ok" she tells me and then turns to her dad.

Sid's grin says everything about how proud he is of Lizzy. It's a very, very attractive quality in a man.


	14. Chapter 14

I was surprised when Mike suggested that we have dinner at his apartment. I was very surprised when he said that he was cooking. Now I'm in his kitchen, chopping vegetables and drinking a light white wine.

"This is delicious" I tell him when I take another sip.

"It's one of my favourites. I found it when I was in Napa and now I have to keep it stocked."

I smile as I watch him cook. It's not his first time in a kitchen cooking. In fact, he is slicing the chicken expertly as he debones it and takes off the skin. It seems that he still eats healthy. Of course, looking at him you can tell that he eats healthy and spends a lot of time in his gym doing more than training others.

"Yes?" he says.

I realize that he's caught me staring and I know that I'm turning red.

"Nothing" I say and become very, very interested in the vegetables that I'm chopping.

"Here" Mike says as he steps behind me. "Like this" he continues as the takes the knife in one hand and the carrot in the other.

I feel his hard body pressing against the back of mine as he expertly chops the carrot exactly as he wants it.

As an experiment, I lean back and press against him slightly. I feel the length of his body everywhere it is touching mine and then the shiver that goes through me. Hmmm.

"Ok?" I hear and feel Mike say in my ear.

I turn my head so that I can see him but say nothing. Mike leans in and takes my lips with his own. It's the first time he's kissed me since the 'incident' and I feel some relief with it. He sips lightly at my lips and softly explores them with his own.

"Ok?" he asks again.

I smile and say "ok."

Mike goes back to the chicken and I start chopping the carrots as he showed me although nowhere near as good as he did it. When I'm done, I sit at his breakfast bar with my wine and watch him put our dinner together. He actually makes a satay sauce from scratch.

"Where did you learn to cook?" I ask.

"When I played in juniors, I lived with a billet family and they always did the cooking; but, when I went to the AHL, I roomed with a few other guys. I was either going to learn to cook or eat restaurant food for every meal. I decided to learn how to cook."

"I guess it doesn't hurt when trying to woo a woman."

"Is that what I'm trying to do Mac? Woo you?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

He chuckles low as he places our dinner in the serving dishes he has ready. I help him bring out the dishes to the dining room and we sit.

"Oh my God Mike. This is so good; really, really good."

"Does that mean you're woo'd?"

I have to laugh and reply "I'll let you know after I'm done."

As we eat, we talk about small things like our experiences playing, our shared love of chocolate and Seth McFarlane.

"Ted was awesome but I still love the Family Guy best" I tell him.

"Yeah, it's funny but Ted was the best."

We continue to debate movies and then music where our taste diverges.

"No. Seriously Mike. Country music? That definitely won't woo me."

"You haven't listened to good country. It isn't all twangy you know. There is some really great country."

This starts another debate which continues as we clean up the dishes. It's really comfortable being with Mike. He is a really confident and easy going guy. There are pockets of humour and occasionally sharp sarcasm. The evening flies by and we're sitting on the sofa alternating between a few games; both hockey and baseball. The Pirates are going far this year and the city is definitely buzzing with it.

"The Blue Jays? How can you possibly cheer for the Blue Jays? I mean, they need all the cheering they can get but they really, really suck Mac."

"They had a tough season with injuries. Wait until next year and you'll see them in the post season too."

"I'd guess that you also like the Raptors."

I'm not a huge basketball fan but I play along.

"Of course I do" I respond.

"Ok, that's it. The relationship is doomed. How can you possibly not be a Miami fan? Seriously? King James?"

I simply shrug which seems to be a signal for war. I watch the battle come into his eyes and decide to pounce first hoping that he's ticklish. When he immediately cries out and tries to move away, I know that I have my answer. Mike is very ticklish.

He tries to back up to the other end of the couch but I follow him until I'm straddling him and we're both laughing like crazy. One minute we're laughing and then the next Mike's lips are attacking mine. He sits up so that I can wrap my legs around him and pull him flush against me. The kiss intensifies quickly and soon our tongues are dueling. Mike's fingers dig into each of my hips and then cup my ass. I love exploring the muscles of his biceps, shoulders and neck. When his hands find their way under my shirt and up my back, I moan into his mouth. He expertly unhooks my bra and then slides his hands over my waist until his thumbs can slip under my bra and over my nipples. When he flicks, I feel them pebble. I can also feel his errection grow and press against me. Instinctively, I grind against him and Mike rips his lips from mine and trails down my jaw to feast on my neck.

He pulls at the hem of my shirt and I lean back so that he can pull it completely over my head. He takes my bra too. Within seconds, he's pulled me up so that my breasts are in line with his lips. He kisses around and then takes the nipple into his mouth. While his tongue runs around and around, my hips move again against him where I feel his errection growing larger. While his lips and tongue work on one nipple, he takes the other between his thumb and finger applying pressure. I feel it directly between my legs.

I want to feel his hard body against me with nothing between us so I lean back again. When Mike looks at me questioning, I grab the hem of his shirt and pull it up. He helps me until it's off and I can throw it to the floor to join mine. We grin at each other for a moment before diving after each other's lips again. This time Mike pushes me back until I'm lying on the sofa and he settles himself between my legs. Even through his jeans and mine, I can feel how hard he is pushing against me and I shift to feel it rub the right spot.

Mike shifts slightly and runs his hand down my side, over my waist and stop at my jeans. He unsnaps and unzips before dipping his fingers inside my jeans and panties. His fingers seek and don't stop until they find their goal. His middle finger slips between my folds and finds how wet I am already. I moan when he dips that finger inside of me and then again when another finger joins it. He pumps a few times before slipping his wet fingers up and over my clit. As he flicks and rubs, my hips move with him, pushing against his hand. But his hand isn't enough. I want, I need, to feel Sid deep inside of me.

What the fuck?!

Mike senses the moment I stiffen up. He pulls his hand out of my pants and then back to look at me.

"Too far?" he asks.

I shake my head and say "no."

Why I didn't say yes will haunt me, I'm sure. At that moment, at that very moment, I couldn't lie to Mike. It would have been kinder to lie. Finally, I gather my courage and look him in the eye. I see the exact moment when he knows what's going on. I can only imagine how guilty I look because I know how guilty I feel.

Mike sits back at the end of the sofa and leaves me to grab my shirt to put on then move to the other end of the sofa. What do I say? I have no idea. He looks disappointed and pissed at the same time. He deserves to be. I have no idea what to say.

"I knew it. I tried to ignore it, I tried to accept that it was just that one moment and it was Crosby, but I knew it."

The venom in his voice is raw and harsh. I deserve it.

"It isn't, wasn't, intentional Mike. I'm so sorry."

"You think that makes it better? 'It isn't intentional.' I have my fingers inside of you, my tongue in your mouth and your thinking of him!"

"It isn't like that Mike. I don't think of Sid that way. He's a friend, becoming a good friend, and I would never think of him that way."

"Oh, so you only think of him that way when I have my tongue in your mouth and my fingers in your pussy!"

This is getting out of control. I know he has a right to be mad but it's getting out of control and I don't know what to say or do. I simply sit still.

"You know, Mac, I expect the players to get all of the attention and the praise. That's the way it works. The girls are always all over the guys when we go out and ignore the rest of us. I get it but I thought that you were different."

"Mike, I don't know what to say. I really don't. I can't explain it."

Shouldn't I be able to handle this better?

"Save it Mac. Just get out. Let's just call this over."

He looks less angry at least. There's no longer a seething rage but he's still pissed. I can't say that I blame him so I gather my bra and purse, put on my shoes and jacket and then look back at Mike.

"I'm sorry" I say softly and then leave.

When I'm finally in my car, I let out the huge breath that I've been holding and lean my head against the steering wheel. What the hell does this mean? I'm scared to examine that question too closely because I think I know what it means. I'm falling for Sidney Crosby.

* * *

For the past week, there has been something really weird going on. Mike and Mac aren't doing their usual chatting and laughing at practice. In fact, Mac isn't at the bench like she usually is when we're on the ice. I haven't even seen her this morning. Maybe she's been busy planning the next road trip. We're heading to western Canada to play Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton and Winnipeg. We'll be gone for seven days which is the longest that I've been away from Lizzy. I'm worried about it, really worried; so much so that I thought about having my parents and Lizzy travel with me. When I talked to mom and dad, they bought up that it won't be my first long trip away from her. We should just do it and get the first one over with before the next one comes up.

After practice, we all drive to the airport and get on the plane to Vancouver. It's a seven hour flight so we're all packed with books to read, movies and TV shows and, of course, video games. They serve lunch as soon as we're in the air. Most guys go to sleep after they eat. Looking around the plane, almost all of the guys are asleep. Of course my eyes are drawn to the back of the plane where I see Mac on her iPad. Dan and the assistants are all plugged into their laptops watching game video to prepare for this trip. The equipment guys, trainers and Mike are all asleep. I take advantage of the moment to talk to Mac.

"Hi" I say and sit down next to her.

"Hi" she says but doesn't look up from her iPad.

"What's going on Mac?"

"What do you mean?" she still doesn't look at me.

"For the past week, you and Mike have been very weird and you and I have barely had a conversation. So what's going on?"

She doesn't move for the longest time. Finally she sighs, switches off her iPad and turns to me.

"Mike and I aren't seeing each other anymore."

I'm stunned. What does she mean that they aren't seeing each other?

"What happened?" I ask before I can think. I hope I'm not prying.

"It just wasn't going to work Sid. We tried but" and she trails off with a shrug of her shoulder.

Instinctively, I take her hand in mine and say "I'm sorry."

I look down at our entwined fingers and know that I'm a liar. I'm not sorry that they aren't dating any more. She seems hurt by it, which I would never want, but it's almost a relief that Mac and Mike aren't seeing each other. I push that aside. It's weird since I don't think of her 'that' way.

When I glance up to meet Mac's eyes, I see that they are wet. She's really upset over it. I didn't realize that they were that close so quickly. Again, instinctively, I bring her hand my lips and kiss it softly.

"I'm sorry" I say again softly.

Mac purses her lips, nods and then pulls her hand away from mine. There's a palpable and sudden tension between us that I haven't felt, ever, with Mac. Maybe I'm stepping over the line. Maybe we aren't that close yet. I thought that we were, are.

"Did I do something Mac?"

She only shakes her head.

"Can I do anything to help?" I ask.

Again, she only shakes her head.

"Ok" I start. "I'll leave you alone."

Before I can stand, Mac places a hand on my thigh and says "wait."

I sit back in my chair and Mac quickly moves her hand away. I wait for her to speak.

"I'm sorry Sid. It's just" she pauses. "It's just really new. I know we weren't together long but he's a great guy."

"If he's a great guy, and I agree, then why did you guys break up?"

"We weren't really together long enough to break up Sid. I agree that he's a great guy but it wasn't going to work. That's it."

I know that's not 'it.' There's much more to it but I don't push right now. This connection that we share has me too in tuned with Mac to believe that she's telling me everything. It also tells me that I should stop, for the time being.

I don't want to push so I take her hand again, briefly, and say "ok. You know that you can talk to me, right?"

Mac nods but doesn't look at me so I leave her and go back to my seat.

I lay back and try to sleep but it eludes me. My mind keeps replaying the short conversation we just had and something doesn't make sense. She simply said that it wasn't going to work and I would leave it there if it wasn't for a feeling. I have a feeling that there's more to it than that and I can't help but wonder why she wouldn't tell me more. She doesn't have to of course but I thought we were growing closer and becoming good friends. I've never had a woman friend before so maybe she wouldn't talk about this kind of thing with me. There's just something there that I can't let go.

Eventually I do fall asleep. I wake up and see that the lights have been turned up. We're about ninety minutes from landing and they're bringing around the menu for dinner. I want to talk to Mac again but everyone is awake now and I don't want to be obvious about it.

The next hour goes by very quickly, we land and are on our way to the hotel. We are all going our separate ways for dinner tonight and Duper and I have decided to stay in. After dinner, I know that I have to talk to Mac. For one of the very few times I'm happy to be who I am because the front desk gives me Mac's room number. I leave Dupe looking at video his kids sent him saying goodnight. With the time change he couldn't talk to them before bed.

Standing in front of Mac's door I begin to second guess myself. Maybe I should just leave her alone. Then again, it has to be hard to be in a city where you don't have family or friends and you're trying to do a job that you've never done before. She needs support and maybe she'll let me do that for her. Before I can change my mind, I knock on the door.

Shortly after, the door opens and Mac is in yoga pants and a Pens sweatshirt. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail, as usual, and she has no make-up on. She looks very young and very lonely.

"Can I come in?" I ask.

She moves out of the way so that I can enter the room. The TV is on to SportsCentre and they're talking about our road trip to western Canada. Of course they're reliving the 2010 Olympics and the gold medal game. I tune that out and look around the room. Mac has her laptop set up on the table with notes strewn around it. She gestures to one of the chairs so I sit down. She sits in the chair facing mine.

I look at her, really look at her, and she looks tired; tired and lonely. I'm struck with the need to gather her into my arms and make it all go away. Of course I don't even know what 'all' is that I'd be fighting.

"Mac" I start softly. "Something is wrong; I can see that something is wrong. Let me help. You look like you could use a friend."

"It's not something I really want to get into Sid."

"You may not want to but do you need to?"

"Maybe" is all she says so I wait her out. "I won't talk about the details but maybe I do need to talk about it. Sid, it was ugly. It's no one's fault, and I certainly don't blame Mike, but it got ugly."

My concern turns to worry, worry to anxiety and anxiety builds slowly to rage.

"How ugly Mac?" She only shrugs so I say slowly, carefully "how ugly?"

Even though I know Mike, I've known him for years, I have horrible thoughts going through my head about what might have happened or what he might of done to Mac. I watch as she slowly realizes what I'm thinking.

"Oh God no Sid. He didn't touch me, at least not in the way that you're worrying about, really."

I stare at Mac and search for the truth in her eyes. Whatever the reason, I see that she's telling me the truth. Whatever happened or didn't happen, Mike didn't do anything that I'd want him to be dead over.

"Ok" I say. I can't help myself so I ask "what happened that made it ugly?"

"Sid, he just accused me of something and then it spiraled downward from there. He wasn't wrong and I was entirely to blame."

It hits me then. What's the one thing that would piss off another guy?

"It was about me" I say.

Mac looks stunned for a moment and then simply nods her head.

"He said that he was fine and that he understood. He didn't like it but he understood that it didn't mean anything, right?"

Mac's expression changes and she looks guilty. Ok, what does she look guilty about?


	15. Chapter 15

The last month has flown by. We've been playing great and the guys are really coming together. We've had injuries but the guys from WBS have fit in really well. Mike and Mac are finally more comfortable with each other and there isn't the tension in the room like there was the first week after they stopped dating. I'm still unsure exactly what happened.

As I run on the treadmill to warm up, not for the first time, I think back to that evening and I'm still confused by the conversation with Mac. The only thing that I know for sure is that the disagreement between Mike and Mac had something to do with me but Mac wouldn't tell me specifically what it was.

She wouldn't answer me when I asked her why Mike was fine when she first told him and then suddenly he wasn't. She looked so upset by the whole thing that I couldn't press her to tell me more. I simply asked if she wanted to watch some TV. Mac looked so relieved that I knew I'd made the right decision to let it go. We both sat on her bed resting against the headboard to watch the Philly game. We didn't talk for the longest time, even during the commercials. It wasn't until my Gatorade commercial came on that the tension was broken.

"Seriously Sid? They actually made you recreate that move. How many times did you have to do that?" she asked.

"I was there for four hours doing the same thing over and over. Anyone who thinks that stuff isn't tedious has never done it" I replied.

"Oh, you poor little rich athlete. They made you skate over and over and then only paid you a couple of million dollars. How did you get through it?"

When I looked at her, I couldn't keep it together and we both laughed. When we finally stopped, I felt the comfortable feeling come back between us and knew that we were ok. I may never know what really happened between her and Mike but Mac and I were still friends and that's all that mattered.

"We play them next week. It's going to be a very interesting game. Their fans hate us" I told Mac.

When she didn't reply, I looked over at her and Mac was fast asleep. She finally looked peaceful. There was more colour in her cheeks and the frown lines were gone. I knew that I should leave but I couldn't. For the longest time, I sat there listening to Sports Centre and watching Mac sleep. Before the season began, I knew that it was going to be different than any other season. What I didn't anticipate was finding Mac. It seems too small to simply call her a friend but that's what we are; friends. She has a quiet patience about her with unexpected pockets of humour. Even Lizzy loves her and it's wonderful to see them together. When Lizzy comes home from skating with me, all she can talk about is Mac.

Mac was still sleeping when I knew I had to get to my own room and get some sleep myself. I turned off the TV and lights then pulled the covers over her. By instinct, and maybe because I'm so used to tucking Lizzy in at night, I kissed Mac's forehead. She gave a soft almost mewing sound that reminded me of our one, torrid kiss. I quickly left the room and went to my own. It wasn't easy falling asleep. I kept hearing that one sound that Mac made and visualizing that guilty look. I still don't know what it meant or why. It's almost as if

"Sid! You coming?" Pascal calls to me from the door way.

He has the soccer ball in his hand and I know that the guys are ready for the two-touch game before we take the ice.

"Yeah" I yell back and slow down the speed of the treadmill.

I run for a few more minutes to slow down my heart rate and then head off to meet the guys. I force myself to focus on the guys and the game. There's a lot of chirping going on, of course, and most of it is directed at Nealer. He's so easy to chirp.

When I'm out, I walk to the locker room. It's time to stretch now that I'm warmed up and then I'll start putting on my gear. A few of the guys are in there too. I sit on the floor and start my stretches. It's the same every game, in the same way and the same order. The routine helps me focus. When I straighten, I watch Mac walk into the room wearing her usual suit. I notice that she's smiling and it looks quite sly.

"Hey Sid" she says.

"Hey back. What's up with the sneaky smile?"

"Oh, nothing" she says but I don't believe her.

"Right" is all is reply.

"Ok, fine. Everything is scheduled and organized for our trip out west. You-know-who is going to meet us in Vancouver and he's really pumped for it."

I realize that she's talking about Phil Jackson and her plan to continue the team building. She's grinning from ear to ear now.

"That's great Mac. You did well."

She shrugs but then whispers "I did, didn't I?"

I have to chuckle. "Yeah, you did."

I realize that we're simply grinning at each other now but I can't stop. One of the things that I enjoy is how fully Mac throws herself into her job and how much fun she has when something she's planned turns out well. It's like she's a cat who's just landed in cream.

Still grinning, Mac turns and walks out of the locker room. Shit, she is almost skipping. She's been working so hard on this plan. We talk about it a lot, in fact every day we talk. Even on days off, we text about something and it's often about Lizzy. That reminds me that tomorrow Lizzy is coming to skate after practice only this time she's conned Mac into skating with us. Lizzy has really taken to Mac. I'm glad that she's bonding with another woman although part of me wonders if she's desperate for female attention. Mom says that I'm worrying too much which makes me a great dad. She also said that I'll worry about Lizzy until I'm no longer on earth to worry. I guess she's right and it comes with the job called 'dad'.

We win the game although it is close, too close for playing a last place team, but we win. Robin Thicke's song Blurred Lines plays as I enter the locker room. I can't remember who chose this one as our 'winning' song for the season but it's a good one. Most of the guys are smiling, laughing and reliving some of the great moments. Dan and the other coaches walk around the room congratulating everyone. It's interesting how much I notice things since I've been spending time with Mac. I notice the small things between the guys that represent how we're coming together as a team. It's really coming together and I know that Mac will continue to impact the team in her own special way. She's the best thing to happen this season; at least so far.

* * *

I'm so excited to skate with Lizzy. She was insistent that I join her and Sid today and I'm secretly glad. Lizzy is full of so much fun and pure joy that she instantly lifts my mood no matter what is going on around me. She really helped to diffuse any remaining awkwardness with Sid after the whole Mike fiasco. I can't believe that I almost told Sid exactly what happened. I almost told him that I was thinking of him while with Mike and that Mike knew it. Thankfully I managed to pull back just in time to keep my mouth closed on the details. Would I have gone so far as to tell him that I thought I was falling for him? At least I've figured out that I'm not falling for Sid. It sexual attraction and nothing more, thank Good because we've become great friends.

The tension between Mike and I has lessened too. You can no longer feel it when we're together and we're even managing to have some conversations about the team. We'll never be friends but it's behind us and we can be colleagues. My friendship with Sid continues to grow. We have so much fun together and especially when Lizzy is around. She insists on seeing me when she visits and I love it. One wall in my office is covered in pictures that she's painted and coloured for me. The psychologist in me can't help but analyze the pictures. They are colourful and happy depicting her family, Sid and his parents, and even their dog Sam. The last one shows Sid, Lizzy and I skating on the ice with Iceberg, the Pen's mascot.

"Mac!" I hear the shout from my office door.

I stand just in time to catch Lizzy and gather her into my arms as she runs into me. She giggles and wraps her arms around my neck. Yeah, this is a very happy and healthy child.

"Hi Lizzy" I tell her and kiss her cheek. "Hi Troy" I greet Sid's father too.

I put Lizzy down and we all walk to the locker room so that Lizzy and I can get our skates on. I've already changed into Pens warm up gear and Dana has my sharpened skates for me. The Pens equipment manager told me that he would do it for me anytime I need. It's very sweet of him.

"How come your skates don't look like mine?" Lizzy asks me.

"I have hockey skates" I explain to her.

"How come?" she asks.

"Because I played hockey."

"Like daddy?"

"Yes like your daddy" I tell her as I lace up my skates.

Troy helps Lizzy to the ice and I follow them. Sid is the only one left now and he's stripped off his gear to his waist and taken off his helmet. I take a moment to admire how good he looks with sweaty, curly hair and his muscled torso shown off in his tight shirt. Of course, what looks the best on him is the smile when he sees his daughter. He is so in love with this little girl. As she jumps onto the ice, it's clear that she feels exactly the same.

"Come on Mac" she yells to me so I follow them.

Sid takes Lizzy's hand and they skate side by side. Lizzy is getting really good at it now. She's gliding well and only walks when she isn't paying attention. It's a huge accomplishment for a three year old; almost four year old. Her birthday is next month right before Christmas. I don't know who is more excited for it, Sid or Lizzy.

I skate until I'm in front of them, pivot and skate backward facing them.

"How you do that?" Lizzy asks.

"Do what?" I ask her.

Lizzy circles her finger and says "that."

Oh. "It's called a pivot. That's when you turn from skating forward to skating backward."

"Do it again!" she tells me.

I skate away from them and then, a few strides away, I pivot again. Lizzy claps and almost falls until Sid catches her.

"Daddy, you do!" she tells Sid.

I skate to Lizzy and take her hand while Sid skates away and pivots. Lizzy claps again and cheers. It's so cute that a simple move makes her so happy. She tells us to do it over and over for her.

"Fast daddy" Lizzy tells him and holds up her arms.

Sid picks her up and skates her around the rink gaining speed as he goes. Lizzy's laughter fills the arena. After a few laps, Sid stops in front of me and puts Lizzy down.

"Race" she tells us.

I remember watching Lizzy laugh while Sid and Kris Letang raced on day. She loved it and now it looks like she wants me to race Sid.

"Lizzy, I can't race your daddy. He'll win every time" I tell her.

Even when I was in playing shape, there was no way that I could beat Sidney Crosby in a full out race. That makes me think.

"Backwards" I tell Lizzy looking directly at Sid.

He is surprised but looks game. I was serious, and right, I could never beat Sid in a race. It's doubtful that anyone in the NHL could never mind me; but, skating backwards for a forward like Sid is always difficult. They build their muscles to go forwards, fast. Defense focus on building leg strength in a different way that supports a fast pivot and even faster movement backwards.

"You game?" I ask him.

At first, I can tell that he wants to say no. I arch an eyebrow and that's when I see the competitive spirit come into his eyes. Yep, he's game.

"Come over here Lizzy" I hear Troy yell.

When I look over at him, I see that a bunch of the guys have come out to watch. The race must get around fast because more guys pour onto the bench. It looks like we're going to have an audience for this; what have I gotten myself into?

"Goal line to goal line" Kris Letang yells from the bench.

Ok, I didn't anticipate skating that far but ok. I look at Sid and nod.

"You sure?" he asks me.

I'm not but I'm just as competitive. "If you are" I answer back.

We both move to either side of the net on the goal line and turn to skate backwards across the rink.

"Ok, I'll count down from three to one and then I'll say go" Kris yells.

Sid and I take our places and I'm wondering what on earth possessed me to agree to this race.

"Three, two, one, go!"

I push off and pray that my legs respond. I'm quicker off the mark than Sid, which I expected, but I'm not in any way confident. I haven't played a real game in a year. Sid may not be proficient as a defenseman but he is a professional athlete and one of the best.

Sid passes me as we go over the centre line and I push harder simply to keep up. My knee starts to scream at me, as I figured it would, and I ignore the pain while focusing on the movement. I close the gap but there's no way that I'm going to beat Sid; and I don't.

There's cheers and jeers from the guys on the bench. Most of it is chirping at Sid because he was almost beaten by a girl. It's funny really. I give Sid a dirty look and he simply smiles and shrugs. Ok, maybe it's not so funny anymore.

We skate to the bench and Lizzy yells "pivot Mac, pivot!"

I skate a little faster and then pivot as I've done thousands of times in my life; maybe even hundreds of thousands. That's when my body betrays me. My knee completely gives out and I go crashing onto the ice directly on my ass. Sid is beside me quickly. At first he smiles and holds out his hand but then he sees that I'm in pain.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"It's my knee. I'm ok" I tell him. Looking up, I see all of the guys either on the ice or standing at the bench. "Really guys, I'm ok."

I try to stand but the minute I put weight on my knee, I complete crumple again and the pain shoots up down my leg.

"That's it" Sid says and, to my complete mortification, picks me up in his arms and skates to the bench.

I don't know that I've ever been more embarrassed in my entire life as Sid continues to carry me down the tunnel and into the trainer's room. He gently lays me on the table but doesn't move back for the trainer to get at me. Instead, Sid unties my skate and gentle pulls it off. He repeats the same thing on my other skate.

"Ok Sid" Chris Stewart, the head trainer, tells Sid and moves beside my injured knee. "Everyone, take a break and give us some room."

I look up for the first time and see that most of the guys have followed us into the trainer's room.

"Thanks" I tell them and smile. "It's an old injury. Guess I've learned my lesson trying to show off for you guys."

As I hoped, they laugh and leave the room. Sid stays beside me. Chris starts to push up my warm up pants to see my knee. When I hear Lizzy's voice, I hold my pant down and shake my head at him. He's confused but moves his hand away.

"Mac!" Lizzy shouts again.

Troy walks in with Lizzy in his arms. She has tears in her eyes and looks very, very worried. Going on instinct, I hold my arms out and Troy steps forward to give me Lizzy. I help her off with her helmet and then hug her close. She sniffles and I feel my heart melt.

"I'm ok Lizzy. A long time ago, I hurt my knee and sometimes it reminds me. Chris is going to give me some ice and an aspirin and then I'll be all better." I pull her away so that I can see her face. The tears have stopped falling but she still looks worried. "I'm fine Lizzy, really."

"But daddy helped you" she says sounding doubtful.

"You know how silly your daddy can be, right?"

She gives me a smile and replies "yeah, daddy can be silly."

"Yeah, but I'm going to be ok. You go with grandpa and Chris is going to give me some ice and aspirin. Ok sweetie? I'll see you tomorrow."

Lizzy nods and throws her arms around me. I gather her close and breathe in the smell of crayons and apple juice.

"Come on Lizzy-bean" Troy says and takes her from my arms. "Let's go meet grandma for lunch."

"Bye Mac!" Lizzy says and waves as she leaves the room.

Alone with Sid and Chris, I let the forced smile fall away and I'm sure all of the pain I'm feeling is now showing on my face.

"Ok?" Chris says as he begins to push up my pant leg again.

I move my hands away and let him. Sid audibly gasps when he sees my knee exposed and the scars.

"I'd say that this happened a year ago, maybe less, and you're going to want much more than an icepack and aspirin" Chris says. He can tell by the scars. "ACL repair?"

"ACL and MCL repair" I tell him.

"You could still play if the repair went well, even if it was a grade three" Chris says.

"Yeah, they were both grade three, but I had permanent damage to my synovial membrane. You can't play if your knee isn't lubricated" I tell him.

Chris grimaces and nods. He knows exactly what I'm talking about.

"Ok, you know that this is going to hurt but I need to see if you've done damage or if it's part of your original injury" Chris tells me.

I lie back on the table and pray for it to be a quick exam. I close my eyes as he begins to move my leg and I feel my nails digging into my palm. A squeak comes from me as he moves my knee laterally and I feel a hand cover mine. I forgot that Sid was still here and I look up as he squeezes my hand with his own. He looks worried because he knows what it's like to have an injury and have the trainers poke at you. It's a necessary evil but that doesn't make it hurt less.

"Ok Mac, you didn't do any further damage. Knowing about your synovial membrane, that's what caused the buckling and pain. You skated too far and too hard backwards. It put too much pressure on your patella and the whole joint seized with the next pivot. I'll have the doc write you a script because aspirin won't do it for you. Go home, ice, rest and stay off of it."

I nod to Chris and he leaves the room. Sid helps me sit up and I carefully swing my legs over the side of the table.

"Owe" I say.

"That's the worst understatement that I've ever heard" he tells me.

I look at him and we both grin. Of course mine is part grimace; it hurts like a bitch.

"Stay here" he tells me. "I mean it Mac, stay right here until I come back, ok?"

I nod and he leaves the room. One of the assistant trainers comes in and sprays icing on my knee to help numb the pain. It can't help with the deep pain but it does get rid of the muscle pain from seizing. I'm putting my pants back in place when Chris comes in with my shoes, a brace and two bottles of pills which he hands to me.

"You've probably had both of those before. You don't have any allergies, right?" Chris asks and I shake my head. "Good. You have an anti-inflammatory in one bottle and pain killers in the other. Don't be a hero, take them both. I also have a brace that should fit you and you know the drill: no pressure on the knee, keep it elevated and no pressure on the knee."

"You said that part twice" I tell him.

"Did it get through?"

"I got it Chris. I'm going home to take one of each pill, put my leg up and ice."

"Good. We'll call you a cab to get home" Chris tells me.

"I'm going to drive her" I hear Sid say from the door way.

He must have made record time changing and showering to be back already.

"You have Lizzy. I can take a cab home Sid" I tell him.

"I'm going to drive you" he tells me softly but seriously.

This time I don't argue. When the brace is on, I slide off the table but lean on it so there is no weight on my knee. Chris hands me crutches so that I can walk. I know how to use these since I lived on them for a few months after I had the injury and surgeries. I'm glad that I'm tall so that the player's the crutches fit me without adjustment.

After thanking Chris, I follow Sid out of the room where he has my purse and coat waiting for me. He thought of everything.

"Duper is bringing my car to the back door so that you don't have to walk" he tells me.

Ok, he really thought of everything.

Sid carries my things while walking slowly with me to the loading docks that the guys call the 'back door.' Pascal helps me into the car while Sid gets in the driver's side. He simply sits there with the car running for a moment.

"Thank you" Sid says softly.

Confused I look at Sid and say "I should be thanking you."

He shakes his head and looks back at me. His eyes are dark with emotion and he looks very, very serious.

"No Mac. Thank you for what you did for Lizzy. She was really scared when she saw you fall, terrified, and you hugged her and told her what she needed to hear. Thank you for taking such care with my little girl."

I watch Sid's eyes get wet as he talks. Of course I knew that Lizzy was terrified when I fell and had to be carried off of the ice. She may be a happy and well-adjusted little girl but she did lose her mom not long ago and that trauma is always close to the surface.

Going with instinct again, I cup Sid's cheek with my hand and swipe the tear away that snuck out. Slowly, I watch as Sid turns his head and leaves a soft kiss on my palm. That's when it really hits me, truly breaks through all of my denials. I'm not falling, I've already fallen for Sidney Crosby.


End file.
